Get your mind right, be present (borrowed)

Yesterday I posted about slowing down and needing a break.  I thought that technology was supposed to make things easier for us all?!?!?  Well with every good thing there is inevitably bad too right?  For example, the picture above is of a shelf in my office filled with photo albums that I had made for my daughters back when scrapbooking was all the rage. I have another shelf (almost as big) filled with scrapbooking SUPPLIES. You know scissors that cut every shape imaginable, corners, borders, acid free papers, photo safe glue, and boxes of unsorted pictures.

Ok Grace, here goes nothing!  Maybe you should scan the photo albums onto a hard drive and then just give each of the girls a hard drive for Christmas?  Sounds like a plan, until the scanner which is supposed to be wireless decides that it needs to be hardwired to function correctly.  Yep NO WAY is that cord gonna reach.  SON OF A BITCH!…. So I spent the next 3 hours rearranging my office so that the cord would reach.  (Yes I realize that I could use my laptop to do this but then I would have to figure out how to download all the drivers for my 1000 year old scanner, because my laptop doesn’t have a disk drive)  It seemed easier to move the office around.

I also thought about uploading them all to google drive and letting the girls download them on their own but my google drive is full.  How the hell could that be, I don’t even know how to use the damn thing, how could it be full?!?!?  (Another hour spent  investigating that)  Apparently, every picture I have taken with my “Mom you need to have a smart phone, smart phone” was automatically backed up to the cloud. 19736 of them to be exact!!!  Yes even the ones I thought I had deleted 3x because I never wanted to share them with anyone.  I could literally #feelthegreyhairgrowing.

I decided to take a break, grab a cup of coffee, and relax with more technology?!?!?  (Hey no one said I was very smart.)  “Let’s check out if the link you tried to put on twitter worked”…… Oh look a squirrel!  Some how I ended up reading a blog, then another, then another.  (We won’t comment on the amount of time I spent doing this or the fact that I literally spit/dripped/ no full on choked on my coffee while reading a couple of them.)  But the last one I read made me STOP.  I actually read it 2x, not because it was hard to follow, the writer is actually quite humorous, and one of her earlier posts caused the coffee incident.  I had to re read it because it contained a lot of good information that I  needed to think about considering my post from yesterday.  Her post was titled, Get Your Mind Right. Be Present. If you have a minute, check it out by clicking the link.

I’m gonna leave it at that.  No more thinking about tomorrow, or yesterday for the evening.  No more facebook, or instagram, or twitter etc.

 

Life is not a race to the finish line

The ever evolving, “Where are you going with your blog? or “What do you want to do with your blog question?”…Guess what! I still don’t know……….lol.
Everytime, I think I have an answer it evolves. For each question I answer, I come up with 20 more, which sends me back to the drawing board.
A couple of weeks ago I CRASHED HARD, literally to the point of tears. After all the tears were dried up, and I walked away for a couple days I let the things that I have learned sink in. I wasn’t crying about the blog. I was crying because I let myself get overwhelmed with trying to do too many things, both on the internet and with my friends and family.

Welcome to my Blender of a Brain

I had this fantastic idea to start a blog.  I’m pretty good at finding the positive in even the worst situation, maybe I can help other people do the same.  Or maybe I can write about the “taboo” topics of MS, the shit no one wants to share with “normal people”.  Yes that would help because then people will know that they aren’t alone!  I was also toying with a new (to me) thought…. Do you ever realize how all the commercials on TV are from drug companies?  (Some of those side effects seem worse than the symptoms you are experiencing)  Pretty scary!  Then the conspiracy theorist in me comes out…. “What if its actually the drugs that are making you sick, or keeping you sick?”  Let’s test this out.  But where to begin?!?!  Yes that ONE question turned into 20 more also.  Ah ha!  That’s what I will write about.  My true life journey of getting healthier…..heh.  DUMB ASS!!! ( me not you)

I wish I could tell you that I had this great epiphany that I should slow down, but I didn’t.  My body told me.  The tears were a warning sign that I was getting overwhelmed.  The not sleeping at night was another.  But the knock me flat on my ass cold, flu, sickness thing that hit me was the real WAKE UP CALL. ( I am the most fidgety,  can’t sit still, am hardly ever home person you might know.)  The fact that I didn’t get out of bed for two days or leave my house for a week was my body protecting itself and saying….

What I really need to do is slow the hell down.  While it’s good to have goals, it is NOT good to flip your whole life upside down overnight to accomplish them.  My ultimate goal in life is to be better a better ME than I was before.  I am always telling people to slow down and just take a deep breath. So why don’t I listen to myself?!?!

I am also ALWAYS saying, “Focus on the positive”.  So here goes.  I’ve learned a lot over the last couple months.  I’ve met some great people, and made some new friends.  I stepped out of my comfort zone several times, and somehow even managed to lose weight.  I accomplished the monthly goals I made for myself each month, and now I am just focusing on getting through the next day.  One day at a time!

To all of you reading this, this isn’t goodbye.  (I paid for a whole year of wordpress :P)  and I still have lots to learn.  I just needed to “unload” and wanted to say Thank you for spending your time with me.

 

 

 

 

 

Finding the positive in a bad situation

Yesterday was a pretty PERFECT day.  I am sure as I tell you about it, you might think I have come unhinged or am joking, but please keep reading and hopefully you will see why before I am finished.

I woke up at 6 am, fed the dogs, and realized I wasn’t going to have time to do my mile on the treadmill before I had to leave at 7. 😦  That meant it was going to be so much harder in the afternoon.  😦 STAY FOCUSED. It didn’t matter, I was going to traffic court with my daughter for a pretty bad speeding ticket, and I should probably at least be showered when I showed up.  I took a shower, threw on some “presentable” clothes, loaded my dogs in the car and headed out the door.  (I share “custody” of my dogs with my kid, but more about that another time)

I got to her house at 7:30 and she was still getting ready, which was fine.  (I hadn’t planned on her being ready anyway; and we didn’t have to leave for a 1/2 hour.)  We talked for a moment about whether we were riding together or separate and came to the conclusion that we would have to drive separate because we were going in different directions afterward.  😦 (I had hoped to use the drive to “catch up” on her busy 20 year old life.)

We left for the courthouse at 8:00, went through security with the “want to be cops” who insisted that I pull my keys out of the bottom of my suitcase of a purse and put them in an individual tray even though my purse was going through an XRAY machine?!?!?  (Yes I was being petty and judgmental, but please stick with me)  I silently did as I was told, and we made our way to the courtroom only to find out that her lawyer wasn’t there.  (SMH, you have got to be kidding me!!!)  Court started at 8:30 and the lawyer’s office didn’t open until 9. Not that I could call them anyway since I left my phone in the car because unfortunately, I have to been to traffic court enough times to know that phones are not allowed.  ARGH!

We entered the courtroom and waited for my daughter’s name to be called.  When it was, the state’s attorney called us to the back of the courtroom to offer her a deal.  We told him that her attorney hadn’t showed up yet, and that we needed more clarification about his offer.  As soon as I said she had a lawyer, he said he couldn’t talk to us anymore without the lawyer present.  (well that’s a hell of a catch 22 don’t you think….we couldn’t locate her lawyer!!!!!)…. argh and argh!!  He agreed to “mark us present” and let us go into the hall to decide what to do next.

While we were discussing her options and the hallway was clearing out, I had noticed that ONE lawyer had come into the hall numerous times calling for his client.  I made a joke that if he would find my daughter’s lawyer, I would find his client.  He went back into the courtroom and came back 60 seconds later saying that he couldn’t find her lawyer.  I told him I was sorry I had looked everywhere and couldn’t find his missing client either. 😉 (yes this was only 60 seconds)

Wow this is getting lengthy,  if you’re still here please stay with me, I promise there is a point and I will try to summarize more.  The attorney said he would not charge us to talk to him for a few minutes if we wanted to talk.  We did!  The very last thing he said to us while we were in the itty bitty room was, “If you were my daughter, I would tell you to take some time to think about your options.  You do have the right to ask for a continuance and you have a lot to think about.  Here is my card, if you decide you would like to hire me.  Good luck with whatever you decide.”

It was now 9 am.  Time to call the “missing attorney” and give him a piece of my mind. I sent my daughter back into the courtroom to let the state’s attorney know we were still looking for her lawyer.  OH SHIT I DIDN”T HAVE MY PHONE! (not to mention the time or energy to go all the way back to my car to get it)  I asked a complete stranger if I could use her phone, SHE LET ME!!!!!!!!! (yes I was shocked)  I quickly called the attorney’s office only to be told by the receptionist that she didn’t know where he was, but she would ATTEMPT to locate him and call me back.  SMH…ARE YOU FRICKING KIDDING ME?!?!!?  I hung up, closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

When I walked back into the courtroom, my daughter was standing in front of the judge with the state’s attorney and the entire courtroom was empty.  The judge said, “Well come on up, we’ve been waiting for you”. (I thought, “Oh shit, she’s going to jail, I’ve pissed the judge off, and he is going to make HER pay.”)

Because this is my daughter’s life, and it’s not my right to share more, let me just tell you that my daughter did not go to jail. She got a speeding ticket and because we live in IL and she is 20 years old the consequences are pretty hefty.  (max penalty 1500$ fine and/or jail time, and possible license suspension…. OUCH)

AND FINALLY TO THE POINT OF THIS WHOLE STORY……

As we left the courtroom I sat down and took another deep breath.  I felt so grateful for so many things.

I am grateful that although my daughter has a terrible lead foot; (yes I think it is hereditary) She took responsibility for her mistakes.  She faced so many fears that morning and handled it like a champ!  While I was waiting for her to get ready for court, I was glancing around her house feeling proud that she seemed to have a pretty good handle on adulting.  Dishes were done, animals had food and water, the house was clean.  ( Big improvement from when she was 18)

I am Grateful for the attorney that took his time to calm a mother’s fears.  (I know he was looking for business too, that’s his job, but he didn’t have to do be as nice about it)

I am Grateful for the woman that still has enough trust to hand her phone over to a complete stranger. (Even though I looked like a frantic crazy woman)

I can list so many more things that I am Grateful for, but for fear of losing you.  I want to state my final points.  They are all pretty much cliche, but maybe now you can understand why I am saying them.

  1. Be Grateful for the small things in life.
  2. Try to focus on the positive when it feels like the world is turning upside down
  3. Be kind to strangers
  4. Remain Calm
  5. Own your shit
  6. Focus on what you CAN control
  7. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst
  8. Don’t judge other people!!!!

As we left the courthouse, I felt terrible for judging and labeling the security guards as “want to be cops”, they were just doing their jobs who the hell was I to judge.  I approached them and asked if I could talk to them for a few minutes. During our conversation, I learned the reason the keys have to go in a separate container.  I didn’t realize that they couldn’t tell if I had pepper spray or a knife attached to my keys if they were in a bag with other junk.  They ask you to put them in the container so they can do their jobs of protecting people better by examining them closer.  Yes I feel silly that I judged, but also Grateful that I learned something new.

New challenge for myself, spend the rest of this week remembering AND applying # 1-8.

 

 

 

Update on October Goals

As I look back on the month of October and where I stand with accomplishing the goals I made for myself I realize I am happy with the results.  To see my October Goals, click here: October Goals.

150I did make it under 150 lbs. Seriously! The scale said 149.8!!!!  I jumped off to get my phone to take a picture but apparently the  phone weighs 100 lbs… (I mean about half a pound.)  GRRRRR!  But YAH ME!  AND I learned many things in the process, so I count that as a win.

As far as learning wordpress, I had intended to watch endless hours of videos and read every article that I could find. ( very unrealistic I know) Instead, I just continued to write and click buttons.  I have learned a bit more about putting in a link, and how to move pictures around with word wrap.  (not perfect still, but again a win)  I have also met so many new people, and found a couple of blogs that I enjoy.  So that’s a double win! 😛  But most of all I am having a blast, and stepping out of my comfort zone.

The final goal I had was working on my cross-stitch.  I thought I would have finished the entire lower left corner that I had outlined in my picture. (HA HA, more than a little unrealistic)  I actually did get a lot done on it though, considering everything else that has been going on.

As I sat looking at the chart deciding where to go next, I realized that there are so many “pieces of the puzzle”, that it didn’t really matter where I started, as long as I started and continued working on it.  I had forgotten that focusing on the pattern helped me to FOCUS on something when my mind was doing it’s “blender thing”.  So I’m gonna count that as a win too.

I think there is some unwritten self sabotaging law out there that says for everything you cross off your to do list, 5 more “to do’s” appear.  I’m am determined not to let myself  be burdened by that. I have a “General Goal” for November, and the rest of my life. Continue moving forward.  Making small goals, and moving forward to accomplish those goals has given me a boost in my otherwise lacking self confidence.  I need to work on Trusting myself and remembering that the only person I am in competition with is myself.  Competition to try new things, and to be a better person than I was yesterday.

 

Choosing Tysabri

I received my # 95th dose of Tysabri yesterday, and FINALLY did the bloodwork for The JC Virus that is required.

While writing My decision to start Tysabri (the 5 part series) last week, I was able to work through my emotions regarding pressure to change medications and I have solidified my decision to stay on Tysabri.  Maybe not for the rest of my life, but for now, it works.  I am fully aware of the risks associated with remaining on the drug, but this is MY Decision, My MS, and MY LIFE.  (I may have to work on finding a new doctor soon, but I will deal with that when the time comes as well.)

So to answer the question, “Why did you choose Tysabri?”

BECAUSE FOR ME, IT WORKS!  sliding into the grave

I am fully aware of the risks associated with the drug, but I believe….

I did not ASK for MS, but you play the hand you are dealt.  I would rather have QUALITY of life than Quantity.  Hell, I jumped out of a perfectly good airplane remember?  Both of my daughters are in their 20’s, and although none of us want to “say goodbye”, I know they are strong and have all the tools they need to survive in this world.  Hell, I believe they are also strong enough to help change it.  The world we live in today is a scary place.  (I think the city I live in was ranked the 6th most dangerous city in the United States.)  My point is that I am more likely to be shot sitting at a traffic light, than to die from MS or PML.  When I do die, whatever the cause, I am donating my body to science.  Maybe they can find a cure for MS that way?

For now, I am making the most of each day I have.  If I can help ONE person feel not so scared and alone in this world… I have lived.