The Morning After….”THE VIDEO”

Yesterday, I posted a video I did as a self challenge to put myself out there and face something I was terrified of.  I didn’t watch the video again until today and this morning “Pre-coffee” I made another one after I finished watching the first one.

For anyone wondering “Pre-coffee” should have a clinical definition and be categorized as some other kind of disease.  ( At least for me it is)  I am not a doctor, so I won’t attempt a clinical definition….. but picture this….

Or check out other pins I have collected .  If you have any to share, please add them too!!…But I digress….I wanted to share some things I have learned both about myself, and about making a video, just from doing that ONE VIDEO….. Caution though…the following video was made PRE-COFFEE. (ok while having the first cup or I wouldn’t have been able to turn on my computer)  But as usual I digress…

Here is my second video if you want to see

Other things I learned from making the video:

  1.  How to upload a video
  2. I really DO NOT Enunciate ( which is why I attempted to add captions) to this one… not perfect, it’s alot of work, but yah I learned something new.
  3. I HATE  the way I LOOK and SOUND precoffee
  4. My goofy first video encouraged someone that I consider a VERY SUCCESSFUL blogger to try something she has been putting off…. DOUBLE WIN!!!!
  5. I’m gonna keep “doing me”.  I know that If I did this or that when making a video, it would be more successful, but baby steps for now.
  6. Drink coffee before EVER attempting to blog or video

Ok Now I’m just rambling…. Thank you again to everyone that is following me on this adventure!!!! I am really enjoying it and learning lots of new things!!!!!

 

 

 

 

Feel the Fear and DO IT ANYWAY!!!!

Two months ago, I decided to start a blog…this entire post is about my experiences in the last two months as I have challenged myself to step out of my comfort zone.  (kind of like a roller coaster ride)

Today’s personal challenge was to make an unedited video and post it.  TBH,  I have been thinking about it for about a month now, and talking myself out of it for one reason or another……. but I finally jumped and did it.

Before you watch the video, if you choose to, let me again state that there is no real point to the video, except that I needed to challenge myself to do something I was afraid of and I did it and it didn’t kill me…..YET.… my stomach is still in knots….

I began my blog/ website (whatever the technical term is about 2 months ago.)  I originally had thoughts about writing about Multiple Sclerosis, but what did I want to write about?  That it sucks?  Yes it does!  Ok, so not that….

How do you make the most of your life in spite of having MS?   Better…maybe.   So I decided to start there.  Please keep in mind, I also just jumped into the blog thing.  I had never heard of wordpress, and while I have taken a couple classes in html programming, I have never put my knowledge into practice.  I created an account on wordpress.com, paid $8.00 a month upfront for a year and then my mind went completely blank.  Oh shit now what?  This was my first blog post. 

I laughed so hard that day.  I was proud of myself for FINALLY taking that first step.  It just felt good.  I  spent the next couple of weeks writing SOMETHING almost everyday, but I could never focus on just one subject, some posts were about MS, some were technology struggles as I continued to dig into blogging concepts, some were just random rants about life.

After being in the blogging world for about a month, I realized that what I was actually trying to do is to Put myself out there, and to connect with other people.  I have enjoyed chatting with other bloggers and hearing their struggles.  I have met other people that are living with autoimmune disorders and chronic illnesses, and learned how they deal with life on a day to day basis.  I’ve made new friendships with “millennials”, and I have learned alot about myself in the process.  Most importantly, I have learned that I want to learn everything about everything, and I need to slow down a bit.

I still don’t have a topic to blog about, or a niche, other than reaching out to people, talking about my life, and learning about others.  If any of that sounds cool to you, say hello, let’s talk and get to know each other.  I’ve put myself out there, as scary as it was, so now it’s your turn.  I don’t mean hey let’s talk on the phone everyday or anything, but I mean let’s talk…really talk about any and everything….ok well maybe not anything, but maybe you get my point…..

Ok so now for the infamous, Link to COMPLETELY POINTLESS FIRST VIDEO

Again, posting this was a personal challenge for me.  I can already think of 5,000 things I could have or should have done.  But there it is…..

 

No Good Deed goes Unpunished

ONE OF THESE DAYS….. yeah right…. I would like to think that ONE OF THESE DAYS I will learn to just walk away….. but on December 7th of this year I didn’t…..

For the record, today is December 17, 2017, and the issue is still causing me a slight headache.

What happened

I went to my daughter’s house to pick up my dogs, and noticed a very large black utility cable hanging down from her neighbor’s house onto the ground.  Keep walking Grace, just keep walking….. but NO! I decide to follow the cable and realize a utility pole in my daughter’s back yard is now at a 60? degree angle instead of the  90 degree angle it should be…. hmmm why didn’t I just keep walking?!?!?  Visions of injured children, “sue- happy” citizens, and a possible fire hazard all flashed through my brain…..FUCK!

I knocked on the neighbors door, no one home.  My daughter wasn’t home (which was why I was picking up the dogs)….. Ok ok, I can call someone,… but who do you call?  I had 32% battery onmy phone, so let’s hope I pick the right place.  Not an actual emergency, so not the police.  I don’t know what kind of line it is…gas, electric, cable, and I’m sure as hell not gonna touch it to find out, so I decide on the Village.  I google the phone number for the village and spoke with a woman named Yvonne.  I explained I was at my daughter’s house and noticed that the pole was falling and that there was some kind of line on the ground and that maybe they wanted to call someone and let them know.  She insisted that I needed to call Com Ed (the electric company) and let them know……

Why did I need to call?  This wasn’t my house.

What if it isn’t an electric line?

Couldn’t they send someone out to investigate?

She responded that Com Ed handled all utility line reports, so I needed to call them.

I hung up shaking my head (already knowing that I would need to cancel my plans for the rest of the afternoon) because this was gonna be a long one……

I called Com Ed, and was disconnected 3 times for pressing the incorrect choices on the automated system ( apparently if you don’t want new service, don’t have a current account number, and don’t want to speak spanish, they don’t want to help you) before I reached a live person.  (Well they were speaking, so I assumed they were alive, but after our call I do question whether there was an actual heartbeat or brain activity there.) I was advised that they would send someone out sometime to check it out.  SOMEONE? SOMETIME?!?!?  Seriously?!?!? Someone could get hurt, or again in this “sue happy” country…SUED.  How about you send someone now?

cable downFine Fine, I will check it out myself!  I went back out to see if I could determine what type of utility line it was.  I followed the line to the neighbor’s house and concluded that it LOOKED like MAYBE it was a phone line???? (I still wasn’t going to touch it)  I had no idea what company handled land line service since I haven’t had one in years, back to google….Yeah my phone didn’t like that……. 19% battery left. UGH!

Now a call to Frontier.  I don’t even remember how many times I was disconnected before getting a live person this time, or how long it took me to explain who I was and why I was calling.  DOES IT REALLY MATTER WHO THE HELL I AM?  I am a good person, trying to do a good thing.  After literally an hour of being transferred from one department to the next, they finally said that they would send someone out.  As they were giving me the reference number my phone turned off.  You have got to be kidding me!!!!!! 0% battery!   SMH…. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath….well I tried.  I think it is more than most people would have done, and have since learned why.

I went to go back into my daughter’s house to get the dogs, only to realize that my keys were locked inside.  It’s winter in Illinois and most of the neighbors have gone south for the season.  Now what?!?!?  It would be kind of pointless to try to walk to call someone since I don’t actually know anyone’s phone numbers, (they are all stored in my currently dead phone). and God forbid I fell on the way.  So I sat and waited.  Waited for my daughter’s boyfriend to get home and let me back in…..

During those 3 hours I repeated….Mind your own business Grace, just keep walking Grace…. but I know that I won’t.  It’s who I am.  I care, I get involved.  Even telling myself that “No Good Deed Goes Unpunished” won’t stop me.  I will still take off my coat for someone that is cold, even if I am freezing.  I will continue taking in stray animals, even though I already own 5.  I have thought that maybe I am a masochist…maybe I am?  Either way I am who I am.

I went home on the 7th feeling that at least I tried.  No one had shown up while I was there.  I WASTED? 4 hours of my life, and it is still not fixed.  The pole is still leaning, the cable is still on the ground, but I tried.  There is a little bright orange traffic cone on the cable where it meets the ground, for all the good it will do.safety cone

A fellow blogger reached out to me to say “Hi” today, (I assume because I haven’t been writing lately) and it gave me a push to do a brain dump again.  THANK YOU “you who shall remain nameless at the moment”!!!

I have been trying to work up the courage to do a “live video” of some sort to introduce myself, so I haven’t been writing much while I am learning about Facebook live and youtube.  My goal is to do some sort of “Hi, this is me” video this week.  I have so many questions that I would like to ask fellow bloggers that I follow , maybe you have wondered the same things about me?

 

One Breath at a time

A couple hours ago, a familiar name popped up on my cell phone.  I debated about answering the phone because I had so many things I needed to do, and I knew I would get lost in conversation and end up not finishing what I was working on.  Oh what the hell, I would just pick up real quick and tell him that we had to catch up later because I was busy.

I answered the phone expecting my friend to say “Hello Doll”, (which is what he usually says to me in his super sexy southern drawl.) but instead I heard a sniffle, a cough, and a sharp intake of breath.  I questioned, “Ghost? (his nickname) Ghost are you ok?  What’s going on?”  Another sniffle, followed by, “No maam, this is his son, Levy.”…. OH FUCK!  My mind thought NO! NO! NO! NO!!  That’s about all I remember exactly.  Levy was calling to tell me that his daddy had a stroke a week ago.

It’s amazing that when you get news like that literally hundreds of thoughts, questions, memories hit you at once.  I had images of the first time we had met face to face running through my head.  (We met through an online game that we had played together for 4 years hence the nickname Ghost.  Mine was Milano, but my friend’s called me “Millie”.)  I remembered the first time I heard his voice in real life, the hours of game play which turned into an incredible friendship, and so on and so on.

Then there was a voice through the fog…. “Milano, Millie, Maam…are you  still there?”

“Oh shit, um yes yes I’m still here.”

More sniffles followed by, “Okay, maam, my daddy wanted me to let you know that he had a stroke a week ago, but he is doing ok, well he will be ok, I mean he is alive”…….

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Levy went on to try to explain that Ghost couldn’t talk… no not that he couldn’t talk, but that he couldn’t find the right words, or they just wouldn’t come out right.  The poor kid was having trouble explaining what was happening because he didn’t understand what was happening himself.  Hell I didn’t understand what was happening.  I could hear Ghost in the background trying to say my name.  Trying to help Levy explain, but he was getting angry that Millie kept coming out Molly, and he couldn’t make a sentence.

Somehow I was on the phone with Ghost, well kind of he was trying to talk, I was trying to understand, but then there were tears, so many tears…and they wouldn’t stop.  I tried to tell Ghost that I was here for him.  I would make the drive to Florida if his family needed me to.  I told him I loved him and and and…. Then I was on the phone with his son again.  I tried to tell him the same things I told Ghost.  If they needed help, I could and would be there.  There were just so many tears.  In hindsight, poor kid probably thought “Oh no, I can’t handle you too”.

When I hung up the phone, I tried to make the calls to our other mutual friends letting them know why they hadn’t heard from Ghost, and to let them know he would be okay.  The problem is, I didn’t know, …….I don’t know that he will be ok  and again so many tears.

When I reached the “Elder” of our little group, he tried to put me at ease by explaining that this was common when someone had a stroke.  It didn’t mean that he would permanently suffer, he reminded me that Ghost “IS A STUBBORN OLD COOT”….although he is only 55, he is pretty damn stubborn.  I listened and cried for the next hour.

I am absolutely exhausted emotionally and physically.  I am not going to jump in my car and make the 15 hour drive to Florida… yet.  I am not going to drink the whole case of beer sitting in my refrigerator. (although I had envisioned doing just that)  I am going to stop beating myself up that I didn’t call him last week when I saw the rocks that made me think of him.  I decided instead to come here, and to write this.

We have all heard the sayings or cliches that you should always tell the people you care about that you care about them.  You never know if there will be a tomorrow to tell someone.  Slow down and enjoy life etc etc etc.  Instead of just telling you those things, I am trying to tell you WHY I am telling you those things.  Please take a minute and give your parents a call, give your kids an extra hug?  Don’t be in such a hurry, and take today ONE BREATH AT A TIME.

The story with the Rocks is that over the years I have collected numerous things from people that have “touched me” or left a big impression.  I’m not materialistic, it’s more something to hold onto when you are missing them, or a reminder that they are there.  When I was at Ghost’s house, I asked if I could take these rocks from his patio that he designed.  They were extras, but they reminded me of his characteristics….strong, hardworking creative etc.  They are sitting on my deck as I haven’t figure out if I should add them to my rock garden, or my china cabinet with other things I have collected.  I saw them last week and thought I should send him a picture to let him know I still had those silly rocks….but I got too busy.  😦

 

 

Why isn’t there a universal “I’m sorry” sign or symbol?

Earlier today I started to back out in front of someone.  Thankfully, I looked again before I continued and she was paying enough attention to catch me backing out before she hit me.  She stopped her car, I continued to back out, and I tried to tell her that I was sorry from my car, but I didn’t know how.  As I put my hands up, they didn’t know what to do.  I mouthed the words, “I’m sorry” as I put one hand over my heart and shook my head.  She nodded at me and parked in the spot that I had previously occupied and I drove away.

For the entire day I have been plagued with the question…

“Why isn’t there a universal sign to tell someone that you are sorry?”

I don’t know of a single individual, that doesn’t recognize the “Middle Finger” as a sign of Fuck you, you are an idiot etc…so why isn’t there a sign that says I’m sorry?!?!?fuck you

As a society are we that accustomed to negativity and blame that we know how to “tell someone off”, but we don’t know how to apologize?  Is it bigger than that?  Do we not know how to accept responsibility for our own shortcomings?

I spent almost an hour on google trying to find a “universal sign” for I’m sorry.  The closest thing I could find was the ASL or American Sign Language, and again that is not universal, and from any kind of distance would appear that I was giving the middle finger.

What would you do in a situation like that?  How do you convey that YOU SCREWED UP, when another driver can’t clearly see your facial expressions or hear your voice?  I had even thought of pulling over and getting out of my car to apologize, but in the city I live in you DON’T just walk up to someone’s car and not expect to get shot.

I’m sure I will go back to my busy life soon, and “forget” this incident, but I still wonder…. “Why isn’t there a sign for apologies?!?!?”