Holding on

~ msgracefulnot

On January 18, 2018, I received a phone call from my daughter at 6:30 am.  NO ONE calls me at 6 am unless someone is dying, sadly I do mean this literally, so I REALLY dreaded answering the call.  At the same time, I NEEDED to answer so that I knew she was alive and the one making the phone call.  I answered the phone and heard the sniffles I expected to hear, followed by…..”MOM?”…..I whispered, “yes”…and then I held my breath.  ( silently thinking of everyone I knew and praying the call was not about them)

“Mom, Brandon called me and told me that Sarah was killed in a car accident last night”

“……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..”

I had no words.  Literally no words.  I couldn’t think, I couldn’t speak.  I felt like my insides were being ripped out of me.  and then came …………….

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This last week has been absolute hell, praying that she didn’t suffer while imagining the worst, making phone calls, TRYING unsuccessfully to be consoling to those that are left behind.  I can’t fix this!  I can’t take away their pain or my own.  I would if I could!!!!! I would trade my life for hers in a second if I could.  LOGICALLY, I realize that I can not change what happened, but I do NOT do good with feeling powerless.

How do you comfort parents that will never see their baby girl again?

How do you tell her husband that he HAS to be strong because they have a two year old daughter?

So many unanswered questions…… 😦

So I have to focus on what I CAN DO….

I would like to TALK (write) about Sarah and who she was for a few moments, if you will let me.

Demographically :

Sarah just turned 27 last month.  She was newly married (3 years) to her best friend in the world, (though they had been together for 8, and knew each other from Grade School.) She has an absolutely beautiful 2 year old daughter and very supportive and loving parents.  She LOVED animals, and worked as a Veterinary Tech for the last several years.

On the inside:

She possessed one of the biggest hearts I have ever come to know.  ( You wouldn’t know it, if you didn’t look past her “angry resting bitch face” though).  At 5’1, she knew how to use it!  She was a mini superwoman, trying to save the world. (Humans and animals alike)

Below are some pictures with captions explaining some of the memories I will always cherish.

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Thank you for letting me share with you.  I know that I can’t bring her back, but sharing some memories, helps me “Keep her Alive”, and she will always be in my heart.

For those of you that have dealt with “the untimely death” of someone ( not that there ever is a “good time”), What helped you deal with your grief?  I have heard that talking helps, but I feel like Everything that comes out of my mouth is the wrong thing.

Sarah’s funeral is this Thursday.  Saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t begin to cover it.  Saying I have “no words”…..well I don’t…. How do you help her family begin to heal?

Published by msgracefulnot

So hard when someone says tell me about yourself...what do you want to know?

42 thoughts on “Holding on”

    1. TY Alex! I hate feeling powerless. I tried to do the whole focus on the positive thing today, but I am struggling. The only thing I came up with (very far reaching) is that too “honor” her, I could be sure I was making the most of mine, but doing the damn treadmill and even some crunches….smh

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      1. Grief is hard. Give yourself some time to process it all. I’ve been down that road way more times than I care count. It’s going to take a while. I would think with her being so young it would be especially hard to wrap your head around it all. My heart goes out to you.

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  3. you really can’t do more than you have. You have a huge heart and I hope wherever she is she knows how deeply you care for her. Take comfort in knowing that in an age where a lot of people are just words, you are the real deal. Peace

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    1. TYSM!…. I am well aware (unfortunately) of the stages of grief and this morning I was definitely stuck in the anger phase. Writing this post and sharing a little bit helped me lesson the anger for the time being. Ty for reading and for commenting 🙂

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  5. I’m so sorry honey. 27, my God, life is so unfair.
    My HS friend died at 30, last year another friend at the age of 42, leaving behind 3 kids and his wife with MS. He was the sweetest person in the world. I think about them all the time.
    Talk about it, talk about her, whenever… You know where to find me. Hugs.

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    1. This is definitely one of those times where the heart and the mind are fighting. Logically I know there is “nothing” I can do for her, but my heart still hurts. To try to ease that pain, I want to ease Brandon’s and her parents pain as well….at the moment I would just like to stop thinking 😦 on a positive note, I have gotten an incredible amount of time in on that damn treadmill today. Thank you for the words and hugs Bojana 🙂

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  6. Oh shit, this is terrible news, and I am so very sorry. What a senseless tragedy. On a Friday afternoon in 2014, I said goodbye to my 29-year-old co-worker. The last words I ever said to him were, ‘be careful and have fun,’ because the next day he fell down a mountain and died. My advice is to feel whatever it is you need to feel. Don’t let anyone try to control your emotions. In order to heal, you have to feel it and find a way to come to terms with it. So, do what YOU need to do. Big hug to you. xo

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  7. I am sorry to hear about (your friend?) – it is such a tragedy when it is someone so young, with a young child and whose life seems so positive. I don’t have any advice from experience but, in time – definitely let the dust settle – then see how you can help Brandon with his little girl and possibly set up some kind of ‘fund’ in her name (maybe for animals?). I ‘m just throwing some ideas out there….right now, everything will be a blur for days.

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    1. TY Karyn! I did “kidnap” Brandon for a few hours yesterday, we laughed, we cried, he even asked me to take him back home to get his guitar for a bit. I MADE him eat, I tried to talk, I tried to listen, but at the end of it all, I don’t know if I helped at all. Brandon is my oldest daughters best friend, so Sarah was the daughter in law I never had. There was a go fund me set up in her name and they raised over $9000.00 in under a week. He has many people that love him and Riley and are there to offer support, so I worry that I will overwhelm him if I “keep checking” on him, but doing “nothing” is eating me up

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      1. My ‘understanding’ of these difficult times is that, after all the initial emotions pass and ‘life goes on as before’ …THEN after this period, after all the sympathies and help dissipate, THEN it will be more obvious where and how Brandon needs some help. That’s when you can be more ‘useful’. Everyone is different but it might help if you express positive memories. Some people avoid talking of the deceased, fear it will trigger sadness but some people feel that their loved ones are then forgotten because no one talks of them any more.

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      2. THANK YOU KARYN! I can see the next few months being very difficult for him, my daughter is getting married in March and he is part of it. I will make sure to make some alone time with him that day and leading up to it. Sincerely TY

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  8. Mom, you have to realize that you cant FIX everything. Nobody can fix this. I love my wife more than life itself, and this fucking blows.

    The most you can do is give me a shoulder when i need it, or be there to listen to me rage at the universe or tell funny stories while i cry my face off.

    I WILL be the best mommy and daddy to our baby that anyone could be. And youre the beat surrogate mom anyone could be.

    I love you ❤
    The Silent Garage Ninja

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    1. OMG!!! I thought you were staying off social media for the day!!! I am glad to see you either way kiddo…. I love you too!!!! Keep working on our lessen the rage a bit day plan… I will even karaoke with you if you have bail money…. Can I share the Garage ninja story sometime too please?!?!?!

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  9. Grace I am so sorry for your loss. I can not imagine what you and your son are going through right now. He is lucky to have you there for him because you are an incredibly strong and comforting woman! He will get through this horrific time because of you. I wish there were more I could do for you because you know I would do anything in the world to help you. Y’all are in my thoughts and prayers always and I am sending you LOTS of EXTRA Love and Comfort!! Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. You can email me anytime you want!! Much love my dear!!

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  12. Wow, To her husband and baby… my heart breaks for them. Parents should never have to bury their child no matter the age and 27 is too damn young. She is a life force that was amazing in her time on this earth and will be missed I am sure. I am so sorry for the loss of this beautiful young lady.

    Just be there, sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all… I think you will handle this and yes, it will be very hard. Very. ~Kim

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  13. About four years ago my phone rang after nine pm with an area code from a state we used to live in, I, like you, just knew. I answered and listened to the grandmother of my sons dearest friend when we lived in that state tell me her 18 year old grandson had been gunned down and left behind about an hour prior. This was a boy we’d made feel like our home was his home. His grandparents were raising him, his brother and his younger cousins. I’d made sure he’d had clothes, food and a shoulder. When we left the state I hated leaving him behind. He’d just come to stay with us a couple months prior and had plans to come back with his family.

    Like I said it’s been over four years and I can tell you it doesn’t go away, the pain, the knowing they are missing out. My heart still hurts. I still think about his loss for his family and ours. There are no words that ease that pain, there is just presence. Just being there, just bringing food and helping lighten the load. The truth is, and you know I try to keep it positive, but this is horrible. It’s not fair. It’s just not F fair. I’m so sorry for you and your family and her family. I shared my experience to let you know I get it, and I’m sending you hugs.🌸

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  14. I’m so sorry, and now I really don’t think I have the words either… So young, and so incredibly tragic, and also such a shock for those who loved her. It sounds as though she was an incredible woman and she would be smiling to see the lovely things you’ve said and the photos you’ve shared; she will leave behind beautiful memories and that will get her husband, daughter, family and friends through the loss. They will be stronger than you perhaps think right now, and you being there will mean the world. x

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  17. So very sorry to hear about your loss, Grace. Our lives are such precious things, so valuable yet so fragile. I try to remember in times like this how important it is to live everyday, to love, everyday. Tragedy can happen in an instant.

    Please know that our thoughts are with you today, and throughout this. Much love to you and to your entire family. ❤️

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    1. I’m grasping at straws here, but yesterday I was determined to try to do something positive to deal with all of my emotions. I ended up putting more miles on my treadmill in that day than I have all week. It certainly teaches you to appreciate the life you have been given. Thank you for your company Tom, I really appreciate it

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  18. There are no words for this, only holding on, you and your loved ones holding onto each other as you help each other grieve and heal in whatever ways you need to. Your love is extraordinary and powerful. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

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