There are flashlights everywhere

Last week?  I think it was last week, I asked someone to hold the flashlight for me.  I don’t know why I was so surprised by the number of offers I received, but I  was genuinely and pleasantly surprised.  Thank YOU for that!

In my post I talked about how I don’t do “feelings” very well, and that I was going to take some time working on that.  What I have discovered is that I am not very nice to myself.  My ‘inner’ voice says the most atrocious things to myself.  I call myself fat.  I call myself lazy.  I call myself mean, and to be honest, I am very mean TO MYSELF.  “you should have done better , Why didn’t you try harder? You should have been able to fix that!!!”

Did I mention pretty fucking mean?  The thing is the things I say to myself, I would never say to another human being.  EVER!.  So why is it ok to say it to myself?!?!?  I’ve been spending the last week trying to find the answer to that question, and I have come up with…. IT’S NOT OKAY!

That’s as far as I have gotten with my observations.

I am very mean to myself and IT IS NOT OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have tried the whole stand in front of the mirror and telling myself that I am a warrior thing, which resulted in my spitting toothpaste on the mirror.  When I finished cleaning that up, I did realize that I was laughing.  I also came to the conclusion that laughing makes up two of my strengths.  1.  I have a good sense of humor.  AND 2.  I am able to laugh at myself.  Those are both good qualities to have.

A third “positive affirmation” that I was able to come up with, is that I am good at making people feel good about themselves.  It truly makes me happy to watch someone grow and stand taller.  I need to spend more time thinking about how I do that and apply it to myself.

Before I go, I want to thank you all for your comments and messages, it really does help to know that I’m not alone here in the dark.

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Questions for Ex-smokers

Ok I did it.  NO I haven’t quit smoking, but I picked a day to quit smoking.  Before you think, heh big deal you picked a day, please let me tell you that this is more than I have ever done in regards to quitting.  In fact, just thinking about quitting smoking causes the emotions in my head to get so fired up that I end up lighting up another cigarette to ‘calm my nerves’.

I honestly don’t remember a time that I didn’t smoke.  No, I don’t remember my first cigarette.  I don’t remember why I started, as I said, it’s just something that I have always done.  It’s hard to find a picture of me without a cigarette in my hand.  I wake up, I smoke.  I drink coffee, I smoke.  I walk the dog, I smoke.  I drive the car, I smoke. Talk about a list of triggers?!?!?

I have been trying to make a list of reasons to quit smoking, and I keep coming up with more reasons not to.  (self sabotaging much?)

I made a promise that I would quit.   I picked a day.  August 15, 2018.

The things that I have been reading about quitting smoking say that some helpful tips are to:  make a plan, pick a day, tell friends and family etc.  I am working on the plan.

Would you mind sharing your story about quitting with me?

What were your reasons for quitting?

What tools did you find helpful in quitting?

What positives did you personally notice after quitting?

What was the hardest part about quitting?  How did you work through that?

Anyone want to jump on the wagon with me?

August 15, 2018 is my day.

Will you hold the flashlight?

So Yeah, I’m in a really dark place right now…. I chuckle as I say that because I think it almost goes without saying if you have talked with me recently, or read anything that I have written in the last month or so.

So now what?  What’s next?  What’s the plan?  How do I fix this?

I’m gonna stay right here for a little while and just be.  I am going to let myself FEEL each emotion GOOD, BAD, or UGLY and NOT judge them.  I am also not going to give myself a time limit on this.

I have mentioned before that I don’t “do feelings” well.  When I ‘mention’ it though, I say it offhandedly or in a joking matter, as I immediately begin looking for the next task or chore I am supposed to complete. (anything that I can do to “get out of my head”)

Over the last couple months, I have tried eating, drinking too much, smoking more, taking xanax and sleeping as much as possible.  If you have tried these things you know that they don’t really help, and are a temporary fix at best.  In fact, usually as in my case, they cause more problems.

So for now, I’m done running.  I need to sit in the dark a bit and just be, without a time limit.  I am, however, asking for someone to ‘hold the flashlight’ as I let my eyes adjust to the darkness that I have let consume me.

As I get ready to hit enter, I am acknowledging that I feel Fear.  I also feel vulnerable, and kind of weak at the moment.  I know these feelings will pass, but they are there.

Open Mouth Insert Foot

I think I’ve said it 100000000000 times before.  I am a “fixer”.  You can’t do it?  That’s ok, I’ve got it, or here let me help.

Maybe bend over so I can kick you in the ass?!?!?

Stop doing that Grace!!!!!!!

This weeks “I’ve got this” involves offering to keep a grieving family’s dog for them while they work on funeral arrangements and finding a new place to live.

I thought, oh never mind what I thought…. The moral of the story is “It’s too much”.

While I’m glad I was able to help “a little”, I need to take care of myself and my animals (2 dogs and 3 cats).  I need to practice some of this “self-love” stuff I keep hearing about.  (Thank you D.G.)  I would seriously pay you to be my therapist, if I didn’t have to spend some much money cleaning up the coffee spilling damages 😛

My “Funeral” dress

Do you have a funeral dress?  I do 😦  I didn’t realize it until this morning though.

I was raised that you wear ALL BLACK to a funeral.  I don’t know the meaning behind it, just that that is what you do.  After I showered this morning my hand instinctively reached for the one all black dress I own.  Tears came to my eyes when I realized that it has a pretty central location in my closet.  ( I didn’t have to dig it out)  That can’t be normal.  I am only 44 years old, and I have buried almost as many people in my life.  WTF?!?!?!?

As I pushed Einstein to get ready this morning, I realized that he doesn’t have a funeral dress, I mean funeral clothes.  This is the first time that he has had to bury a friend, and loved one.

I just sat on the floor and cried.  Finally let myself cry.

Of course I am not upset about a damn dress, but I am upset that I have been through this what I consider TOO GOD DAMN MANY TIMES.  I know what I am supposed to wear.  I know what I am “supposed” to say to Dan’s grieving wife, and kids.  Hell I even know how to comfort his traumatized dog.  Enough!  Enough Damn loss!!!!!  I don’t think my heart can take much more.

I have to go now and bury another friend.  Another life taken way too soon.   SMH

Dan’s obituary.  Doesn’t even begin to touch on the life that was his

update:  video of the military honors at the funeral  May he rest in peace