Conflicting Emotions

Have you ever felt emotions that were complete polar opposites at the exact same time?

Last week, I wrote  One Step forward, two steps back.   I saw the surgeon this morning.  I should be happy that he was able to see me so quickly, and that they will be getting me in for surgery soonish.  I AM happy…kind of.

BUT, I am also pissed off.  I’m mad at the doctor who dismissed my foot pain and swelling as gout, but I’m even more upset with myself for letting him.  I should have fought harder for myself.  Three weeks have passed since my original visit to the doctor,. Three weeks before I couldn’t handle the pain anymore, and went to immediate care.  THREE weeks more damage to my foot because I continued to walk on it.  and NOW surgery.

The doctor is trying to get me in for surgery this week, but I have Medicare for insurance, and they don’t do anything quickly, so maybe not until next week.  I suppose I am to blame for this too, since I refuse to take pain meds, it can’t hurt that bad??!?!?!??!   I don’t refuse pain meds because I have a high pain tolerance, I refuse them because even one norco binds me up for at least a week and the mood swings are scary…. In hindsight, I will ask for them anyway.

While on the subject of being angry.  I am also mad that I bought another pack of cigarettes.  No one forced me to do that, and I know that recovering from surgery will take longer if I continue to smoke, yet I did it anyway……I have thrown the pack out 3x only to dig it back out of the trash….yes disgusting I know……

But did I mention yah surgery?…..smh


34 thoughts on “Conflicting Emotions

  1. Bloody hell hun. At least you are going to get it sorted now.

    I’m in that situation of Yay! NOOOOO!!! Crap!!! Useless!!! emotional phase. Yay – Fentanyl working & not taken oramorph for 5 days, Nooooo!!! – I’m still stuck in bed but now on a more powerful drug, Crap!!!! I’ve got a wedding to go to on Fri , I haven’t been out of bed in 6 wks, Useless & Upset (magnitude scale) – not seen youngest son in 6 wks and he’s just downstairs and I’m failing my family!!!!

    Emotions are crap and I bloody hate them. Hope your surgery is sooner rather than later!!!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. everything i have read about the surgery (dr. google) says anywhere for 6-12 weeks in a plaster cast, no weight…. the doctor sounded like I would be able to use a boot to my knee as long as I used a walker….i don’t know who or what to believe

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I am sorry and glad for you and Grace, seriously, don’t beat yourself up about buying the pack; you can only do what you can do and you did throw it out 3 times, which means you are thinking about it. I reiterate what I said earlier…..being a person can be so hard.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Yikes! That’s a lot of crap, no wonder your emotions are all over the place. I hope the surgery happens super fast and you feel better soon. Don’t beat yourself up about the smoking, you’ll take control back from those nasties – it takes a long time and many times quitting before it sticks.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. If smoking has been an emotional ‘crutch’, you can’t be hard on yourself for wanting that at this time. Your emotions must be all over the place, such a rollercoaster you’re on. You do what you need to do to for you. Good luck with the surgery.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh Grace!!! Be kind to you—your dealing with a lot. I wish I could give you a big hug. Then I wish I could come over during recovery and chit chat for hours!!!

    Sometimes you have to walk through tough times to get to the good stuff. Twin baby boys are a huge focus and motivation!!
    Thinking about you!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. With all that I think it would be weird if you didn’t have conflicting emotions. You have to wonder after what you’ve been through if the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.
    Well, on the bright side…I’m sure there’s s bright side somewhere.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. It is no wonder your emotions are all over the place lately! You really have been through what seems like hell and I hate that for you! I am noticing more and more that MOST doctor’s are pretty incompetent which just forces us as the patient to steer them towards the right answers. They seem so confused with what their job is and how to do it. I often wonder if there was stupid bomb that burst and only hit some people!
    I wish we lived next to each other so I could give you a HUGE hug and tell you to not be SO hard on yourself. You need to give yourself credit and not be your own worst enemy because then you end up a nut case like me:)!!!!
    Much love to you my dear sweet friend!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I am sorry you have to go through that; I felt your pain when I was reading this. But I understand all too well what it is like to have conflicting emotions; being ecstatic one moment and completely depressed the next; part of being bi polar; I guess. I hope things work out for you


  9. I think reaching for cigs is pretty understandable given what’s going on, so don’t be too hard on yourself for that (I can’t say anything else as I’m a hypocrite, still smoking like a trooper…)
    I’m glad they’re getting you in for surgery as soon as possible and that something will be done now, but I get the frustration. Vent it all out. But don’t be so mad at yourself. You push as much as you can at the time but you didn’t know then what you now know, and not taking pain meds is a no-brainer if you don’t like the thought of them (I’m not a big fan) or they mess you up health-wise (which a lot of these things do).
    Arrrrrghhhhh on your behalf!!
    Sending hugs xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  10. What the hell, Grace? Sorry, I am a little behind on reading, so I have no clue what is happening with your foot. Ugh. I am sorry for whatever it is! My doctor dismissed my swollen uterus as IBS, so I suffered for another year as my belly continued to balloon, and I was forced to wear maternity gear. A naturopath is the one who finally identified the problem and got the ball rolling for surgery. I had one fibroid that was the size of a baseball. My point is, don’t beat yourself up. We trust that doctors know what the fuck they are talking about, but sometimes they just talk out their asses. Good luck, darling. I hope that you aren’t in too much pain and relief comes soon!!! xo​

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I am hearing that more and more about doctors these days, and while I am sorry other people have first hand experience, I am glad to hear that I am not the only one who “just listened” to what I was told to do…..and people wonder why I am a rule breaker? Can I blame it all on the doctors? 😉


    1. I will end up taking them AFTER surgery I am sure, for now I am trying to stay off of it…which is hard because I am trying to get so much done PRE surgery… did I mention, it’s nice to have you back? 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes. And it’s so nice to hear back from you.
        So you’re back to the old site,, right? Not self-hosted any more?

        BTW, when’s your surgery?
        How’s your dad?

        So many questions….It’s been a while.


      2. Surgery is scheduled for the 4th of sept (pending any other testing issues). I have to get my infusion this week and recover from that, then I should be good to go. My dad is still going through physical therapy, but he has been recovering nicely.
        And yes I am back on my old site, only a bit wiser now


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