Are you ready to live?

A couple of weeks ago, I shared some admittedly pretty scary information with you in my post, “Are you prepared to Die“?

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking, reading, and otherwise researching what my next steps should be.  While doing this, I have created two more quandaries for myself.  The first being not knowing who or what to believe.  People that claim to be specialists tout one thing, while other people claiming to be specialists tout the exact opposite.  You also have your everyday ‘average people’, also equally divided, demanding with as much fervor as two rivals debating politics that they have the answer.  (They must, they live with it everyday)?????  I find that I am overwhelmed not only with all the information available, but also by verifying the ‘credentials’ of the sources.

I’m going to table this quandary for now because I honestly feel like I am playing Russian Roulette.

The other decision that is plaguing me is, “Am I prepared to live?”    You’re probably thinking, “OF COURSE YOU ARE!!!”  At first it seems like a no-brainer doesn’t it?  Well duh, of course you want to live!!!  But is it really that simple?

Let’s say your doctor tells you that in order to live you have to murder, and eat someone once a week.  Apparently, the nutrients in another human would allow you to not only be disease free for a week, but they would return you to a more ‘youthful’ state with unlimited energy etc.  While some people may feel that this would be acceptable to them, for me it’s a deal breaker.  I would probably go so far as to purposely end my life to prevent some well meaning person from TRYING to save me.

I know that my example sounds extreme, but as a “professional addict” I assure you it’s not.  Do you know that smoking can kill you?  I still smoke.  Being overweight can also kill you, yet I won’t turn down cheesecake. etc etc…In addition to taking away those vices, you should change the things you eat.  Yes take away the things you enjoy, and ADD eating dirt (the food you most abhor) or  only being allowed to eat something that someone else has chewed up and spit out.

I am purposefully being facetious because what one person finds an acceptable another would NEVER do,  and I’m trying to make a point.  DECIDING TO LIVE takes a lot of work.  It requires many changes and some sacrifices. while at the same time knowing that you are going to die at some point anyway.  Up the ante by adding the FACT that there is no guarantee these changes will help, they may even make you sicker.

But it worked for my neighbor’s sister’s third cousin once removed’s dog?!?!?!? 

All sarcasm aside, I am beginning to accept the fact that in order to continue living, I have to make some serious changes in my life.  None of them are appealing to me, but I find I’m not quite ready to die.  I’m not prepared to swear to a course of action yet, but I have begun making changes. I reduced the number of cigarettes I smoke from more than a pack a day to 2 cigarettes a day.  I have been tracking everything that goes into and out of my body. ( I promised no more sarcasm today so I will just leave that one alone for now)  I have been investigating 4 MS drugs that I have been introduced since I began TYSABRI.  To be honest, the side effects of all of them are scary as hell so discontinuing any disease modifying treatment is also on the table.

It’s very dangerous for me to “get all lost in my mind”, so if you are willing please take a minute to share something you have struggled with or are struggling with and how you are working to overcome it.  It helps so much to know that we are not alone.

26 thoughts on “Are you ready to live?

  1. I missed your previous post, Grace, so I had to go back and read that one first…. I’m sorry to hear you’re facing more challenges, but it sounds like you’re on the right track with determining where you are with everything at present. Sometimes just processing everything and getting it down in writing helps us know how we want to move forward. You are a strong woman, and I know you’re going to get through this just as you’ve gotten through all the other challenges you’ve faced and overcome. You’ve got this! Sending love and hugs sweet friend!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Whoa. Well, the only thing I can tell you about ‘deciding to live’ stems back from a severe Pancreas issue, having seven surgeries, and praying for death. I was so damn sick. Twice, the surgeon came into the room pre-op and asked to what lengths should he go to save my life on the table. None of us (me, the doc, or my hubby) thought I’d be getting up off that operating table… I signed TWO DNRs and the hubby and I said our goodbyes. But I lived! And I would have missed so much if I wouldn’t have fought!!! My husband asked me to TRY to wake up after each and every surgery, I did. I guess life is forever changed, I have to take better care of myself. And I do. I really don’t have a feeling of being denied things, I realize how lucky I am to be afforded the opportunity to live a life even within limits.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You last sentences remind me of the conversations I have with people that are so sad for me that I’m in a wheelchair at my age. I always very honestly tell them not to fell sorry for me. I do enjoy my life!. The wheelchair is a tool not a ball and chain. I need to remember that as I make changes and think that they are allowing me to be healthier rather than feeling that I am missing something. Ty Kim 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. trying to figure out a course of action is always a difficult place to be. I struggled with having a serious spinal surgery or not and although I went through with it, I still question my decision……… was not the cure all I was told. I guess you just make the decision that is the best for you at a particular place in time…………I am not sure what else we can really do.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Between a rock and a hard place right?! As much as I don’t like being told what to do, it would almost be easier if someone did tell me….then I could be angry at them if it didn’t work. Not at all healthy I know. Thank you for sharing your experience with me Wendi. I’m sorry that it wasn’t the cure all. You are correct though, we make the decision that is best for us at the time with the information we have :/

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh Grace………I can feel your struggle. I so want others (that I trust) to tell me what to do so I don’t have to figure it out myself…….it’s mentally exhausting. I am sure you will make the right choice for you for this moment in time.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. My challenge right now is moving out of here within the year. I wrote steps down and started taking them. Small steps so as not to get overwhelmed. I also continue to pray and trust that it is God’s Will. God has a plan for you, as well. It is not your burden, alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Your analogy reminds me of the first time I heard about vampirism, and how a vampire has to drink the blood of a human every day or die, and I thought “why would he choose that over dying?”

    I was kinda naive, I suppose.

    To answer your question I still “struggle” with drinking. Mostly on Sundays. Most of my other sins are packed away nicely, and are up in the attic, but no matter how good I am during the week I always overindulge in the beers on Sundays and (mostly) feel terrible on Mondays with the same promise of drinking less beers “next” Sunday. Or some Sunday soon. Hey, I’m 52 this year and I can’t keep putting that many beers away and stay healthy and live forever, right?

    I have friends who disagree. 😉

    Make the changes you have to make, my friend, to have the best and longest quality of life ever. Drink blood. Eat dirt. Don’t kill.

    Smoking two, incidentally, ain’t bad. When I quit smoking I went months and months having one in the morning and one at night. Then only one before bed. Then none. Now I’ve had none for more than a dozen years.

    Now about those Sundays …

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Tom! As much as I want everyone to win at life, it helps to know that I’m not the only one with a list of things that should change. I have been on the seesaw about smoking because Einstein wants to quit too. He stopped for a full week, then saw me and started again, then vice versa…Then we decided to work on it separately in our own homes for a week ( you know the whole aa thing about addicts being together?) that was worse for us though, because we started associating being together with smoking. 😦 Now we dont smoke in front of each other and we don’t bring cigarettes around the other… smh…. when we add alcohol…everything goes out the window

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I have to add something. Smoking. I quit and I still ‘want’ a smoke every single damn day! I think I quit about two years ago? It wasn’t a fast hard quit! I vape now but that’s getting a bad rap now too. However, it has kept me off cigs and my 8th time quitting is successful!!! My BFF smokes. One in the AM and one in the PM. Who cares if that’s it? 2 lousy cigs a day? That’s nothing. Shoot, I easily smoked 2 packs a day… easily, not kidding. The damn price of smokes is what kills us! Ha! The smell… OMG. I can’t believe I smelled like that! Put your buts in a jar. When you want a smoke, smell that! Or just continue what your doing… when you drink, chew gum, if you can’t chew on a straw. Shoot I have so many ‘tips’ I should blog about it. Want more? Let me know!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like the cigarettes in a jar idea! When I first tried to quit for the 800th time I woke up and smelled an ashtray next to the bed (Einstein was still smoking) It made me sick to my stomach. A couple hours later I was digging out old butts from the same ashtray for just one more drag. I have tried to envision a cigarette like an adult pacifier. Would I want to walk around with that in my mouth? It didn’t take me long to tell myself that I WOULD do that too, just to be different. I think the hardest part for me is that I associate cigarettes with my best memories. (You know the ‘extra smoke breaks’ at work with my best friend? Coffee, catching up and cigarettes…. 😦 UGH!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. “DECIDING TO LIVE takes a lot of work” – absolutely agree. It’s exhausting. And those changes? I’m imagining they’re probably rather out of your comfort zone, too. I’m very much stuck in mine at the moment so I don’t know if I would/could make the changes and do the things I know I should/need to do. You didn’t have to worry about not commenting on the tracking of everything in & out of your body, I already thought of a rude comment as soon as soon as I read it 😂

    As alone as you may feel at times, perhaps often, you’re not. I wish we were closer, or at least in the same country. You can do this, just slow and steady and remember we’re all here, we know you’ll be okay. And I’m always around, if ever you want to email (you may be better off talking to a sack of sugar but hey, it’s an option!) Sending love  ♥

    Caz xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A sack of sugar? The only time I would compare you to one, is in reference to your heart. You are one of the kindest woman I have ever had the pleasure of ‘meeting’! In fact, you have given me an item to put on my bucket list. Not only would I love to visit the UK, but I would love to meet you!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Aww this ol’ sack of sugar is happy! I’m very glad to have ‘met’ you in the online world and I’d love to actually meet you in ‘real life’, too. If ever you head to the UK though try the summer-ish months (not that we get much of a summer) because it’s pretty grey and rainy and cold otherwise! If it’s nicer where you are then maybe I’ll head that way! 😉xx


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