“I’m not ready to lose you!”

It seems like this entire year I have been really struggling with death or maybe fear of death? I’m not really sure. The strange thing is I’m not talking about my death. I’m actually not even a little afraid of that. (This is not to say I’m not afraid of pain, because I am) I’m just not worried about dying. So what is this obsession I am having?!?!!?!?

Earlier this month I wrote about parenting my parents. In the last few months, I’ve taken over medical power of attorney’s for them both. We are in the process of doing financial poa’s as well. I’m sure that is part of it. Yesterday, I was at my parents helping my dad move these incredibly heavy logs onto his wood- splitter. Out of nowhere I yell, “I’m not ready to lose you!!!!”, and began bawling!!!!!! (I’m surprised my outburst didn’t cause him to have a heart attack.)

He stopped working and immediately put his arms around me. I don’t even know how long we stood there while I just cried. Eventually, I wiped the frozen snot and tears off my face and said, “Ok I’m ready to get back to work.” and we did.


Are the words “White privilege” offensive?

The other day, I shared the following meme on Einstein’s facebook page.

Yesterday morning a friend commented on that post, “If the Supreme Court of the United States never had to determine if you have the same rights as every one else, you have white privilege”. My first thought was…..”where is the logic in that?” What about woman’s rights, suffrage etc? One does NOT equal the other!!!

I responded, “I disagree. Woman’s right’s? so I am not only not white privileged, I am testicularly challenged?”

My friend responded, ” Yes, but have you ever had to go to court to ride the bus, eat at the lunch counter, go to the school closest to you, live in the neighborhood you wanted to, be passed over for promotion or a job, get less pay than a coworker that did the same job, marry a person you wanted to? I have a cousin who’s father was half native american. Her mother and grandmother went shopping one day and took her with them. At noon they stopped at a restaurant on the way home. They were refused service because they thought her skin was too dark.”

GRRRRR! I am aware that things like that happen, but NOT on my watch!!! I have never treated someone differently because of their race or skin color. I have also never sat by and watched something like that happen.

I responded to his comment with, “I am not disputing that discrimination’s is DISGUSTING. I am disputing being told that I have a certain privilege because of the color of my skin. The entire argument is about HUMAN right’s no? Then why not focus on the fact that we are all human instead of pointing out differences in skin color, religion, hair color etc? I’m just saying that ‘picking a fight’ with someone telling them they are privileged is not the way to get their support is it?”

Our conversation pretty much ‘ended’ there. He went on to say that things won’t change unless the ones with the power admit there is a problem. I agree. But that still doesn’t mean that many people, including me, aren’t bothered or offended by the term “White privilege”.

I’m trying not to be bothered by it, (sticks and stones and all) but I am. Maybe I don’t understand the definition of privilege? I spent a good portion of the day yesterday (off and on) googling privilege. The first definition I found was “a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group.”

The next search showed:

  1. a right, immunity, or benefit enjoyed by a particular person or a restricted group of people beyond the advantages of most:the privileges of the very rich.
  2. the unearned and mostly unacknowledged societal advantage that a restricted group of people has over another group:white privilege based on skin color; male privilege; children of privilege.

While I still don’t like the term White privilege, I will say that for all of the reasons I have been discriminated against (weight, hair color, sex, tattoos, single parent, being agnostic, etc) I don’t believe that I have ever been singled out because of my race. Does that mean I don’t understand and disagree with discrimination? I don’t think so. 😦

Parenting your parents

Do you remember when you were a child and could not wait to grow up or get older? Be honest, I think everyone felt that at one point. Then almost overnight, you became an adult. I know that it doesn’t feel like that when you are going through your pre 18 years, but when you are in your 40’s looking back at the things you’ve done in your life, it sure seems like it’s gone pretty quickly. I graduated high school, had and raised children. ( I’m even a grandma now) I’ve been married …..and divorced. Bought and sold a car (or two)…hell bought and sold a house or two. I’ve traveled to far away places, jumped out of a perfectly good airplane….The list goes on and on.

I have also lost many people that I’ve cared about. I’ve held and comforted people while they were suffering, and tried to help them up after their loss.

My point is that I feel like I have done MOST of the things that adults are expected to do. Don’t get me wrong, I am sure I still have a lot to do with my time on Earth. I think my ‘confusion’ or quandary is that I never thought that one day I would be ‘parenting my parents.’

During the last couple of years, more and more frequently both of my parents have begun to rely on me. ….ALOT (Sometimes I feel like I’m being given chores AGAIN) Sometimes I think, OH My GOD you’ve got to be kidding me?!?!?! and then OTHER times ( like when I go to yet another classmate’s parents funeral ) I realize I would move heaven and earth to keep them around as long as possible.

I saw a meme or something on facebook one day that said, “when you lose your parents, you are an orphan. When you lose your spouse you are a widow. When you lose a child there is no word for it, just like there are no words to describe the pain.” I also don’t believe there is a word for the child that parents their parents. I wasn’t “in a hurry” to get to THIS part of life.

My mother has Dementia/ Alzheimer’s.

About a year ago, my father was told that he was going blind.

I am in a “new” phase of my life, that I was not prepared for.

Isn’t it Ironic?….smh

Have you ever heard of the Link or EBT card or food stamps? Usually people receiving government benefits such as these have some kind of disadvantage that prevents them from earning enough money to live on. Examples might include a mental or physical disability. Lack of childcare etc. So why are the benefits so hard to use?

I’m not sure if I ever stated that I was on Social Security Disability before. (very limited income) This year with the increase in my medical expenses, I have qualified to not only receive financial assistance to help with those bills, but also have qualified for the link card.

Last weekend, I tried to complete an online order at Sam’s club as I have frequently done in the past. Pre-covid, the system was called Click and pull. The process was usually fairly easy and straightforward. You selected the items you wanted by placing them in your cart, and when finished you would select the date and time you would be picking up your items. When you arrived at the store, you would go to a special “click and pull” desk with your list, or confirmation code and your payment. Someone would then bring all of the items to the front of the store for you, and even help load your car. Win win right?

Why not THIS time?

I went online, selected my items and was directed to a new area called, “curbside pickup”. Okay. no biggie right? Well apparently it is a big deal. You must pay for your order before the club will pull it. OK, I get that, but WHY DON’T they take link online?!?!?!? If I need to use the link card I have to shop for myself, which kind of defeats the advantage of online shopping doesn’t it?

I even called the store to explain my problem and asked if I could pay for my groceries with my credit card, but switch the payment types at customer service when I picked up the food…… NOPE! As a side note, a good portion of the items I tried to purchase where eligible for FREE SHIPPING, but you also can not use the link card for shipped items?!?!?

Everywhere in the US is still encouraging social distancing. People that are immuno-compromised are supposed to avoid others even more. So WHY do I have to go in the store?

Am I the only one who sees the irony of this?

I feel like the system is designed “to keep a man down” more than to help them.