It seems like this entire year I have been really struggling with death or maybe fear of death? I’m not really sure. The strange thing is I’m not talking about my death. I’m actually not even a little afraid of that. (This is not to say I’m not afraid of pain, because I am) I’m just not worried about dying. So what is this obsession I am having?!?!!?!?
Earlier this month I wrote about parenting my parents. In the last few months, I’ve taken over medical power of attorney’s for them both. We are in the process of doing financial poa’s as well. I’m sure that is part of it. Yesterday, I was at my parents helping my dad move these incredibly heavy logs onto his wood- splitter. Out of nowhere I yell, “I’m not ready to lose you!!!!”, and began bawling!!!!!! (I’m surprised my outburst didn’t cause him to have a heart attack.)
He stopped working and immediately put his arms around me. I don’t even know how long we stood there while I just cried. Eventually, I wiped the frozen snot and tears off my face and said, “Ok I’m ready to get back to work.” and we did.
MS Graceful...NOT! 
Hugs. xoxo
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for the record, I am NOT READY TO LOSE YOU EITHER!!!!!!!
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I think the circumstances of the year with the pandemic and all that death from it has put us all on edge emotionally. I feel it. Plus it makes us confront our mortality and of those we love. So don’t be so hard on yourself
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Thank you Steve! I think I am an emotional train wreck
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awww………you are such a beautiful loving soul Grace!
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I’m feeling a little more bat shit crazy atm wendi, but ty
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I feel your words Grace………bat shit crazy is very relatable. I am so sorry…….
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I don’t think we’ll be ever ready to lose our beloved ones. I watch my parents play with B, thinking all the time, How long is this going to last. Who will be the first to go? How will I feel?
It’s normal.
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Yes all of those things! Ty for saying that it’s normal….. I need the anxiety about it to go away and remember that it’s ok
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Of course it is. Like it’s normal that we grieve long after they are gone.
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Oh lovely, I don’t know what to say. I’m very close to my parents, who’re now in their 70s. For me, losing them is something I can’t bring myself to think about. Just the split second thought of it is too painful. I can’t. I won’t.
I think more open conversations with those we’re afraid of losing are probably a good thing, to let each other know how we’re feeling.
There’s nothing I can say to make the worry and the fear any less, but I just wanted to let you know I hear you, I feel that same fear of loss and concern for my parents.
Caz xxxx
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I have the same worry about mine. A few years ago, my dad had cancer and he himself was sure it might be the end. There was a lot of hugging and crying, especially after the treatments were over and he went into remission:-)
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Grace, it’s so good to read your words. But I am sorry you are going through what you are, it’s not easy. Life is like the upside down right now, so take some deep breaths and say fuck a lot, that’s what I do!! Take care of yourself and I will see you around. xo
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SO GLAD to read YOUR words!!!!!! Seeing your post on Facebook, got me so excited!! I immediately went to wp to make sure you hadn’t changed your mind!!!!! Cancer is a BITCH! I’m sorry to read about what your family is dealing with. FUCK FUCK FUCK
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