Letter to My Best Friend (Munch)

It’s hard to believe that it’s been over a month since we’ve talked……

Who am I kidding, I talk to you everyday?!!??!

If I really think about it, I guess it also hasn’t been a month since I’ve seen you. I have 1000’s of pictures, both physical ones and all of those images and memories of us and our 30 years of friendship that are burned in my mind.

Hmmm in reality, it hasn’t even been a month since I have heard your voice. (I have never been more thankful for the technology of voicemails and videos!!!!)

SO WHY DOES IT STILL HURT SO BAD?!?!?!? I feel like I have a huge hole in my heart, yet my heart is so full of you.

FUCK CANCER! Fuck all the pain I watched you endure! Fuck all the pain I still feel!!!!

Well now that the emotional shit is out of the way… ( NOT) We should probably catch up…

Oh wait! I’m mad at you!

I don’t care if it makes any sense!

I’m mad that you aren’t here! I’m mad that my RIDE OR DIE friend DIED! How could you do this to me?!?!?!?

We are supposed to turn 50 next year!!! Remember the party of a lifetime?!?!!? So where the hell are you?!?!?!?

When I opened wordpress today, I had every intention of “catching up with you”. I wanted to tell you that my surgery went ok. The new MS drug hasn’t hurt me, I don’t think…, I finally kicked the crazy bitch out of my house, although she is threatening to sue me…smh, and so many more things, but then the emotions came pouring out.

I’m sorry. I miss you.

I’ve been looking at memorial tattoo idea’s to add to our “eyes in the back of our head” tattoos. I found one that says, “You may be gone from my sight, but you are never gone from my heart.” , which I kind of liked. I also thought about tattooing the last note you wrote me, under the eyeballs. With as emotional as I have been, I know that I need to wait a little longer. Maybe I do that for the big 50?

Rest in Peace my friend!

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Damn Girl! Where’s your bottom?

That might just be the title for my new book! KIDDING!!!! Like I need another project in my life…smh

“Where’s your bottom?”, is however what a respected ‘friend’ said to me after I reached out to her last week. I was speechless. Not because I was offended, I don’t think, but I honestly started questioning myself. Have I hit rock bottom? What exactly is rock bottom? Is it a level you set for yourself? Does society dictate what rock bottom is?

I should probably go back and elaborate or provide more context about the original conversation. This person I reached out to is someone whose strength I admire, who’s stubbornness rivals my own, someone who has MS and is also a blogger. I reached out to her, because over the past year, I have seen bits and pieces of her life here and there on Facebook and she seemed to be doing really well, while I on the other hand…. HAVE NOT….

I have been struggling a lot. Treading water maybe? Maybe I was looking for a magic pill? I’m not sure. What I do know is that whatever the hell I have been doing has not been working. I have been sleeping 10-12 hours a day, waking up tired and wanting to go back to sleep. Once I have dragged my ass out of bed, I went through the motions of adulting, and parenting my parents, then I watched the clock waiting for it to signal that it was time to get away from it all again. In between waking and the relief of bedtime, I was just kind of “going through the motions”. I hated the sound of my phone ringing or texting…who the hell is that and what do they want from me?!?!? Not to mention the 20-40 spam likely calls that I get a day. So I was there, but not there.

I needed something to be happy about, even if it was just being happy that someone else is happy. I NEEDED to hear something positive. (I have been surrounded by toxic people and so much negativity lately that it almost killed me) So I reached out.

I loved hearing the happiness in her voice and the excitement as she told me some stories. I did need that, but then the topic shifted to me. She told me that she had seen some of what I have been going through the last year on Facebook, and thought, “Damn girl, where’s your bottom”? And I have been thinking about that phrase ever since.

Where’s your bottom?

I don’t know. I really don’t. Honestly, I don’t want to know.

There is no prize for how much shit can one person go through, although it does seem like it’s a contest I have been having with the world lately. Do you win, if you can fight another day?

The thing is, whether I have reached my bottom or not, I do know that I don’t like where I am. I guess the real question is, “What am I gonna do about it?”

I have a Job!

Before you read any further, close your eyes and imagine someone, ANYONE saying those words to you. “I have a job”.

Good for you? How do you respond to that? Yay?!?!? I mean seriously, why does the phrase, ” I have a job”, sound like an insult? Maybe I feel that way because I currently don’t have a job? It’s strange to me, because even when I did have a job, I don’t think I have EVER said, “I have a job”.

I am sure I have said, “I GOT A JOB!!!!”, after being unemployed for a while. I know that I have apologized to my friends and my children, that I couldn’t do something because I had to work. I’ve even talked about my job, but I honestly don’t believe that I have ever uttered the phrase, “I have a job”. To me, it’s offensive. Like, I have one and you don’t! Why would you ever go out of your way to point out to someone that you have something they don’t?

Of course there is more to this story than me being upset by a seemingly simple phrase, but it got me thinking…really thinking. I have had 3 people use that exact phrase to try to hurt me, and those words hit the mark EVERY. DAMN. TIME. How do you respond to that? Good for you?!? Are you trying to say that somehow that makes you better or more important that me?

In the end, I guess the words don’t really matter, it’s the intent. You are purposefully trying to hurt me, therefore, I no longer need to give you the time of day. For the record, the only job that really matters, is NOT BEING A DICK ( or in this case a Bitch)… you didn’t do that so well did you!