Damn Girl! Where’s your bottom?

That might just be the title for my new book! KIDDING!!!! Like I need another project in my life…smh

“Where’s your bottom?”, is however what a respected ‘friend’ said to me after I reached out to her last week. I was speechless. Not because I was offended, I don’t think, but I honestly started questioning myself. Have I hit rock bottom? What exactly is rock bottom? Is it a level you set for yourself? Does society dictate what rock bottom is?

I should probably go back and elaborate or provide more context about the original conversation. This person I reached out to is someone whose strength I admire, who’s stubbornness rivals my own, someone who has MS and is also a blogger. I reached out to her, because over the past year, I have seen bits and pieces of her life here and there on Facebook and she seemed to be doing really well, while I on the other hand…. HAVE NOT….

I have been struggling a lot. Treading water maybe? Maybe I was looking for a magic pill? I’m not sure. What I do know is that whatever the hell I have been doing has not been working. I have been sleeping 10-12 hours a day, waking up tired and wanting to go back to sleep. Once I have dragged my ass out of bed, I went through the motions of adulting, and parenting my parents, then I watched the clock waiting for it to signal that it was time to get away from it all again. In between waking and the relief of bedtime, I was just kind of “going through the motions”. I hated the sound of my phone ringing or texting…who the hell is that and what do they want from me?!?!? Not to mention the 20-40 spam likely calls that I get a day. So I was there, but not there.

I needed something to be happy about, even if it was just being happy that someone else is happy. I NEEDED to hear something positive. (I have been surrounded by toxic people and so much negativity lately that it almost killed me) So I reached out.

I loved hearing the happiness in her voice and the excitement as she told me some stories. I did need that, but then the topic shifted to me. She told me that she had seen some of what I have been going through the last year on Facebook, and thought, “Damn girl, where’s your bottom”? And I have been thinking about that phrase ever since.

Where’s your bottom?

I don’t know. I really don’t. Honestly, I don’t want to know.

There is no prize for how much shit can one person go through, although it does seem like it’s a contest I have been having with the world lately. Do you win, if you can fight another day?

The thing is, whether I have reached my bottom or not, I do know that I don’t like where I am. I guess the real question is, “What am I gonna do about it?”

Advertisement

I have a Job!

Before you read any further, close your eyes and imagine someone, ANYONE saying those words to you. “I have a job”.

Good for you? How do you respond to that? Yay?!?!? I mean seriously, why does the phrase, ” I have a job”, sound like an insult? Maybe I feel that way because I currently don’t have a job? It’s strange to me, because even when I did have a job, I don’t think I have EVER said, “I have a job”.

I am sure I have said, “I GOT A JOB!!!!”, after being unemployed for a while. I know that I have apologized to my friends and my children, that I couldn’t do something because I had to work. I’ve even talked about my job, but I honestly don’t believe that I have ever uttered the phrase, “I have a job”. To me, it’s offensive. Like, I have one and you don’t! Why would you ever go out of your way to point out to someone that you have something they don’t?

Of course there is more to this story than me being upset by a seemingly simple phrase, but it got me thinking…really thinking. I have had 3 people use that exact phrase to try to hurt me, and those words hit the mark EVERY. DAMN. TIME. How do you respond to that? Good for you?!? Are you trying to say that somehow that makes you better or more important that me?

In the end, I guess the words don’t really matter, it’s the intent. You are purposefully trying to hurt me, therefore, I no longer need to give you the time of day. For the record, the only job that really matters, is NOT BEING A DICK ( or in this case a Bitch)… you didn’t do that so well did you!

APAD Day 38 $1.72 to pee

Have you ever heard of a foley catheter? It is an indwelling catheter that is a attached to an external urine collection bag. If you have ever been hospitalized and needed a catheter this is the kind they used. Not fun right? RIGHT! Fortunately, they also make one time use catheters. They are individually packaged. When you need to urinate, you insert the single use catheter while sitting on the toilet. Your bladder is emptied, then you remove it and discard it. YAY!!!!…. or not.

Single use catheters are expensive! $1.72 each to be exact. So if I have to pee 10 times a day that’s $17.20 a day to pee or $516.00 a month. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?!?!

The reason this comes up is because I have Medicare and they have decided that I am allowed to pee free of charge 6x a day but no more. If I have to pee more, I’m gonna have to pay for it. $206.40 a month to be exact. Yeah that’s not going to happen. I do have other choices though

1. Reuse the single use catheters ( Mind you the box they come in, the patient information, and just about every website that sells catheters STRONGLY insists that they are not to be reused.) Medicare even has a commercial on tv that a person should be able to use a new catheter each and every time they urinate. (Then why the hell won’t you pay for it?!?!!?)
2. I can use a foley catheter (walk around with a bag of pee strapped to my leg everyday) for a couple weeks a month when I run out.
3. Try to spread awareness of this issue, hoping it will make a change.
4. Try to enlist others to spread awareness as well.

I’ve chosen to do all four of the choices that I feel I have. I am also going to attempt to contact Cure Medical to see if they have any patient assistance programs. https://curemedical.com/contact-us/

If you are able, please share this story or blog, tell someone the story, something. It would mean a great deal to me if you would.

Do you have any other thoughts on how to work around this problem?

A Post a day APAD Day 12 Can you help me?

“Can you help me”?

Don’t Answer that! It’s a trick question! At least for me it is. When someone, hell anyone, asks “Can you help me?” In all of two seconds I respond, “sure” or “probably”. What they don’t ask and I don’t ask myself is, “Do I want to?”. I really need to learn to start saying, “No”.

I absolutely HATE asking for help. It’s probably more that I hate NEEDING help, but either way I hate it. So when someone asks me for help, I automatically feel that it must have taken them alot to ask me and I pretty much automatically respond “Yes”.

Just say no

Grace just say no.

Grace just say no.

Do you think it will help?

A Post a Day APAD Day 8- thrown under the bus

Thrown Under the Bus

Before you try to throw me under the bus, make sure you know who’s driving it. I have been thrown under the bus so many times, I have permanent tire tracks on my head, I’m sure of it.

Last year was a pretty rough year for me in many ways. At one point when I needed help I reached out to someone I normally would not have. I HATE asking for help, absolutely hate it. But there it is I did. As a result, when the person that helped me reached out to me asking for help, I felt obligated to help when normally I would not have gotten involved.

I got involved.

So I got involved. I took care of shit that H, should have handled on her own. A couple weeks later I get a call from T, her boyfriend, asking why I got involved. I responded, because “H asked me to”. She did?!?!? YES. I’m not surprised that H didn’t tell T. I am surprised and a little hurt that she tried to pin it all on me though. I guess oh well, my “debt” is paid. I didn’t do anything wrong, illegal, or unethical, I just got involved in something I normally wouldn’t and while I “fixed” the problem, trying to throw me under the bus created 100 new problems for them.

I know this post may seem a little cheesy, but I wanted to ” get it out of my head”, but I don’t need to throw someone under the bus to do it. I don’t need to air someone else dirty laundry, but I do need a reminder to continue to mind my own business. This is that reminder.