Damn Girl! Where’s your bottom?

That might just be the title for my new book! KIDDING!!!! Like I need another project in my life…smh

“Where’s your bottom?”, is however what a respected ‘friend’ said to me after I reached out to her last week. I was speechless. Not because I was offended, I don’t think, but I honestly started questioning myself. Have I hit rock bottom? What exactly is rock bottom? Is it a level you set for yourself? Does society dictate what rock bottom is?

I should probably go back and elaborate or provide more context about the original conversation. This person I reached out to is someone whose strength I admire, who’s stubbornness rivals my own, someone who has MS and is also a blogger. I reached out to her, because over the past year, I have seen bits and pieces of her life here and there on Facebook and she seemed to be doing really well, while I on the other hand…. HAVE NOT….

I have been struggling a lot. Treading water maybe? Maybe I was looking for a magic pill? I’m not sure. What I do know is that whatever the hell I have been doing has not been working. I have been sleeping 10-12 hours a day, waking up tired and wanting to go back to sleep. Once I have dragged my ass out of bed, I went through the motions of adulting, and parenting my parents, then I watched the clock waiting for it to signal that it was time to get away from it all again. In between waking and the relief of bedtime, I was just kind of “going through the motions”. I hated the sound of my phone ringing or texting…who the hell is that and what do they want from me?!?!? Not to mention the 20-40 spam likely calls that I get a day. So I was there, but not there.

I needed something to be happy about, even if it was just being happy that someone else is happy. I NEEDED to hear something positive. (I have been surrounded by toxic people and so much negativity lately that it almost killed me) So I reached out.

I loved hearing the happiness in her voice and the excitement as she told me some stories. I did need that, but then the topic shifted to me. She told me that she had seen some of what I have been going through the last year on Facebook, and thought, “Damn girl, where’s your bottom”? And I have been thinking about that phrase ever since.

Where’s your bottom?

I don’t know. I really don’t. Honestly, I don’t want to know.

There is no prize for how much shit can one person go through, although it does seem like it’s a contest I have been having with the world lately. Do you win, if you can fight another day?

The thing is, whether I have reached my bottom or not, I do know that I don’t like where I am. I guess the real question is, “What am I gonna do about it?”

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I have a Job!

Before you read any further, close your eyes and imagine someone, ANYONE saying those words to you. “I have a job”.

Good for you? How do you respond to that? Yay?!?!? I mean seriously, why does the phrase, ” I have a job”, sound like an insult? Maybe I feel that way because I currently don’t have a job? It’s strange to me, because even when I did have a job, I don’t think I have EVER said, “I have a job”.

I am sure I have said, “I GOT A JOB!!!!”, after being unemployed for a while. I know that I have apologized to my friends and my children, that I couldn’t do something because I had to work. I’ve even talked about my job, but I honestly don’t believe that I have ever uttered the phrase, “I have a job”. To me, it’s offensive. Like, I have one and you don’t! Why would you ever go out of your way to point out to someone that you have something they don’t?

Of course there is more to this story than me being upset by a seemingly simple phrase, but it got me thinking…really thinking. I have had 3 people use that exact phrase to try to hurt me, and those words hit the mark EVERY. DAMN. TIME. How do you respond to that? Good for you?!? Are you trying to say that somehow that makes you better or more important that me?

In the end, I guess the words don’t really matter, it’s the intent. You are purposefully trying to hurt me, therefore, I no longer need to give you the time of day. For the record, the only job that really matters, is NOT BEING A DICK ( or in this case a Bitch)… you didn’t do that so well did you!

There are flashlights everywhere

Last week?  I think it was last week, I asked someone to hold the flashlight for me.  I don’t know why I was so surprised by the number of offers I received, but I  was genuinely and pleasantly surprised.  Thank YOU for that!

In my post I talked about how I don’t do “feelings” very well, and that I was going to take some time working on that.  What I have discovered is that I am not very nice to myself.  My ‘inner’ voice says the most atrocious things to myself.  I call myself fat.  I call myself lazy.  I call myself mean, and to be honest, I am very mean TO MYSELF.  “you should have done better , Why didn’t you try harder? You should have been able to fix that!!!”

Did I mention pretty fucking mean?  The thing is the things I say to myself, I would never say to another human being.  EVER!.  So why is it ok to say it to myself?!?!?  I’ve been spending the last week trying to find the answer to that question, and I have come up with…. IT’S NOT OKAY!

That’s as far as I have gotten with my observations.

I am very mean to myself and IT IS NOT OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have tried the whole stand in front of the mirror and telling myself that I am a warrior thing, which resulted in my spitting toothpaste on the mirror.  When I finished cleaning that up, I did realize that I was laughing.  I also came to the conclusion that laughing makes up two of my strengths.  1.  I have a good sense of humor.  AND 2.  I am able to laugh at myself.  Those are both good qualities to have.

A third “positive affirmation” that I was able to come up with, is that I am good at making people feel good about themselves.  It truly makes me happy to watch someone grow and stand taller.  I need to spend more time thinking about how I do that and apply it to myself.

Before I go, I want to thank you all for your comments and messages, it really does help to know that I’m not alone here in the dark.

It’s called R E S P E C T folks….

Have you met Tom?  I’ve never actually physically met Tom, yet I have an enormous amount of respect for Tom….Who is this Tom?  I’m talking about Tom from Tom Being Tom.

My first “interlude” with Tom, was when he commented on someone else’s blog that he was going to busy on Thursday, because he would be saving the world.  I commented something like, “well I thought that was my job” or something like that.  As the weeks went by, I would occasionally see Tom comment and support his community.  The blogging community.  Wow someone who practices what he preaches…..intriguing… so I wondered over to his “page”….ugh big words and politics….. hmmm ok, so that’s Tom…and I closed the browser.  Not because he said anything offensive, but because I had no interest in following another keyboard warrior’s rantings about why we should BLAME this person or that person for the sad state of this country.  Who has time for that?

And now I have egg on my face……

I am guilty of many of the things I complain about other people doing.  I complain about the state of the world (in my own mind), yet I don’t REALLY get involved.  I don’t participate in DISCUSSIONS, which is where change has to start.  I’m ‘too busy’ dealing with my own drama that I avoid REAL discussion.  Who has the energy to fight?

So Back to Tom….

I mentioned that the first post I saw from Tom was political, and that I immediately closed that door, but I would still see Tom comments on other peoples blogs and admired his sense of humor.  As time went on, I learned that Tom not only has a great sense of humor, but he love’s dogs….That is something we have in common.

hmmmm maybe I shut the door a little too quickly.  I went back to his blog and learned about a man who REALLY is trying to make the world a better place, not buy shoving information down your throat or saying “You’re wrong, I’m right”, but by putting himself out there, and by encouraging DISCUSSION about sometimes uncomfortable topics.  He asks people to THINK.

Not long ago, Tom posted a blog about Guns.  (Oh shit here we go again.)  But this time I didn’t close the browser.  I read the post AND the comments, and maybe even offered a comment of my own.  I watched the arguments, and name calling start on Tom’s Facebook page.  I only watched.  I didn’t jump into that pile.  As I watched several people “show their ignorance and their asses” I learned something new about Tom.  He wasn’t trying to start a fight with his post, he really was trying to start a discussion.  Even when the name calling started, he didn’t lose his cool, he just asked that people think.  He also LISTENED and in some cases just agreed to disagree.  He didn’t tell the dumbass that was being a dumbass that he was a dumb ass, (I wanted to).  He just asked the ‘dumbass’ to think.

I gained a whole new R.E.S.P.E.C.T, for Tom that day.  He really is trying to save the world.  I have a great deal of respect for the man who practices what he preaches.

I have been thinking about writing a tribute, recommendation, liebster nomination etc about Tom for awhile, and yesterday when I tried to ruffle his feathers and he didn’t take the bait sealed the deal.  See Tom and I disagree about some things.  (Society’s reliance on Technology for one.)  I posted Fuck Fuck Fuck, and Tom commented

I am one of those who believe that technology is a great boon. I’d hate to live away from it. I thrive on connectivity. With my big 5-0 coming up I was asked by some if I’d want to do a camping trip for it, to which I promptly responded “not on your damn life.” Is there free wi-fi there? No, we’re gonna do this thing in Reno, where there are morning bed turns, room service, and m-f’ing CON-NEC-TIV-I-TY!

Addiction?

Nah, fishing is an addiction. An absolute waste of time and energy when one could be online, interacting with real human beings or studying the progression of events in Turkey.

Simplification is an addiction. Life should be complicated and engaged, particularly in this information age.

Not having a mobile phone is an addiction to detachment and privacy. This is the new millennium for chrissakes!

Give me a computer. Give me a phone. Give me instant access, every time.

But every time you don’t give me instant access (like last night when my new comp wouldn’t connect INSTANTLY) I want to do like you say … throw the damn thing through the window. I don’t need a million layers of security … I need CON-NEC-TIV-I-TY!!

(This rant brought to you by Tom Being Tom, of tombeingtom.com — please join me for more random nonsense soon!)

Obviously our opinions differ, but there is nothing wrong with that!  In fact what a boring place this world would be if we all felt and thought the same about everything.

So Tom, I want to thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities.  Thank you for opening up discussions.  Thank you for supporting the growth of others even when your views clash.  Thank you for just being Tom.

I don’t think there is a “Respect” award floating around wordpress, but I give you mine.

To everyone that is reading this, if you have a moment, check out Tom’s blog at Tom being Tom, I really think that you will enjoy it.

This is my favorite post, if you are looking for a place to start.

 

Better late than never

I’m sure by now most of you have seen, heard, or been nominated for the 3 day quote challenge.  Way back on April 18, 2018, my dear friend Steve Markesich nominated, challenged, or otherwise taunted me to participate in this challenge.  As with most things, I promised to get around to it as long as I could adjust the rules a bit.

The Rules as they have been explained:

1. Thank the person that nominated you.

2. Write one quote each day for three consecutive days (3 quotes total)

3. Explain why the quote is meaningful for you.

4. Nominate three bloggers each day to participate in the challenge

My translation of the rules:

1.  Thank the person that nominated you.

Thank you Steve.  BUT, not only for the nomination.  Thank you for being a great sounding board, my being a friend, for being an inspiration to other “MSer’s”, and thank you for the cup of coffee you will be buying me for “participating”  😛

2.  Write one quote a day for 3 consecutive days.

I can barely commit to taking a shower every day for 3 consecutive days in a row, so HAVING to write for 3 days in a row…not gonna happen.  BUT, I will say that I really liked the quote you used and your explanation of why it’s meaningful to you.

You can either accept your new reality, confront it head on, and make the best of a bad situation. Or, you can curl into the fetal position, say whoa is me, lament about all the things that you’ve lost, become obsessed with the shitty hand you’ve been dealt, and wither away. In other words, you can get busy living or get busy dying.

I did watch the movie, and I really enjoyed it, so THANK YOU again for the recommendation.

3.  I don’t know if it qualifies as a quote, more a clip from the movie, “The Green Mile”.  “I’m tired Boss”.  Why it’s meaningful to me is because I AM TIRED, as John Coffey says in the movie….

Mostly, I’m tired of people being ugly to each other. I’m tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world every day. There’s too much of it. It’s like pieces of glass in my head, all the time… Can you understand?”

4.  I’m not going to nominate 3 bloggers to participate in the challenge, instead I am going to challenge EVERYONE (well anyone who reads this)…. If you can’t be part of the solution, please don’t be part of the problem.  For one day, if you don’t have anything nice to say, Don’t say anything.  I am convinced, if everyone could do this for one day the world would not only be a better place, but it would also be a quiet one.