There are flashlights everywhere

Last week?  I think it was last week, I asked someone to hold the flashlight for me.  I don’t know why I was so surprised by the number of offers I received, but I  was genuinely and pleasantly surprised.  Thank YOU for that!

In my post I talked about how I don’t do “feelings” very well, and that I was going to take some time working on that.  What I have discovered is that I am not very nice to myself.  My ‘inner’ voice says the most atrocious things to myself.  I call myself fat.  I call myself lazy.  I call myself mean, and to be honest, I am very mean TO MYSELF.  “you should have done better , Why didn’t you try harder? You should have been able to fix that!!!”

Did I mention pretty fucking mean?  The thing is the things I say to myself, I would never say to another human being.  EVER!.  So why is it ok to say it to myself?!?!?  I’ve been spending the last week trying to find the answer to that question, and I have come up with…. IT’S NOT OKAY!

That’s as far as I have gotten with my observations.

I am very mean to myself and IT IS NOT OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have tried the whole stand in front of the mirror and telling myself that I am a warrior thing, which resulted in my spitting toothpaste on the mirror.  When I finished cleaning that up, I did realize that I was laughing.  I also came to the conclusion that laughing makes up two of my strengths.  1.  I have a good sense of humor.  AND 2.  I am able to laugh at myself.  Those are both good qualities to have.

A third “positive affirmation” that I was able to come up with, is that I am good at making people feel good about themselves.  It truly makes me happy to watch someone grow and stand taller.  I need to spend more time thinking about how I do that and apply it to myself.

Before I go, I want to thank you all for your comments and messages, it really does help to know that I’m not alone here in the dark.

It’s called R E S P E C T folks….

Have you met Tom?  I’ve never actually physically met Tom, yet I have an enormous amount of respect for Tom….Who is this Tom?  I’m talking about Tom from Tom Being Tom.

My first “interlude” with Tom, was when he commented on someone else’s blog that he was going to busy on Thursday, because he would be saving the world.  I commented something like, “well I thought that was my job” or something like that.  As the weeks went by, I would occasionally see Tom comment and support his community.  The blogging community.  Wow someone who practices what he preaches…..intriguing… so I wondered over to his “page”….ugh big words and politics….. hmmm ok, so that’s Tom…and I closed the browser.  Not because he said anything offensive, but because I had no interest in following another keyboard warrior’s rantings about why we should BLAME this person or that person for the sad state of this country.  Who has time for that?

egg on my face

And now I have egg on my face……

I am guilty of many of the things I complain about other people doing.  I complain about the state of the world (in my own mind), yet I don’t REALLY get involved.  I don’t participate in DISCUSSIONS, which is where change has to start.  I’m ‘too busy’ dealing with my own drama that I avoid REAL discussion.  Who has the energy to fight?

So Back to Tom….

I mentioned that the first post I saw from Tom was political, and that I immediately closed that door, but I would still see Tom comments on other peoples blogs and admired his sense of humor.  As time went on, I learned that Tom not only has a great sense of humor, but he love’s dogs….That is something we have in common.

hmmmm maybe I shut the door a little too quickly.  I went back to his blog and learned about a man who REALLY is trying to make the world a better place, not buy shoving information down your throat or saying “You’re wrong, I’m right”, but by putting himself out there, and by encouraging DISCUSSION about sometimes uncomfortable topics.  He asks people to THINK.

Not long ago, Tom posted a blog about Guns.  (Oh shit here we go again.)  But this time I didn’t close the browser.  I read the post AND the comments, and maybe even offered a comment of my own.  I watched the arguments, and name calling start on Tom’s Facebook page.  I only watched.  I didn’t jump into that pile.  As I watched several people “show their ignorance and their asses” I learned something new about Tom.  He wasn’t trying to start a fight with his post, he really was trying to start a discussion.  Even when the name calling started, he didn’t lose his cool, he just asked that people think.  He also LISTENED and in some cases just agreed to disagree.  He didn’t tell the dumbass that was being a dumbass that he was a dumb ass, (I wanted to).  He just asked the ‘dumbass’ to think.

I gained a whole new R.E.S.P.E.C.T, for Tom that day.  He really is trying to save the world.  I have a great deal of respect for the man who practices what he preaches.

I have been thinking about writing a tribute, recommendation, liebster nomination etc about Tom for awhile, and yesterday when I tried to ruffle his feathers and he didn’t take the bait sealed the deal.  See Tom and I disagree about some things.  (Society’s reliance on Technology for one.)  I posted Fuck Fuck Fuck, and Tom commented

I am one of those who believe that technology is a great boon. I’d hate to live away from it. I thrive on connectivity. With my big 5-0 coming up I was asked by some if I’d want to do a camping trip for it, to which I promptly responded “not on your damn life.” Is there free wi-fi there? No, we’re gonna do this thing in Reno, where there are morning bed turns, room service, and m-f’ing CON-NEC-TIV-I-TY!


Nah, fishing is an addiction. An absolute waste of time and energy when one could be online, interacting with real human beings or studying the progression of events in Turkey.

Simplification is an addiction. Life should be complicated and engaged, particularly in this information age.

Not having a mobile phone is an addiction to detachment and privacy. This is the new millennium for chrissakes!

Give me a computer. Give me a phone. Give me instant access, every time.

But every time you don’t give me instant access (like last night when my new comp wouldn’t connect INSTANTLY) I want to do like you say … throw the damn thing through the window. I don’t need a million layers of security … I need CON-NEC-TIV-I-TY!!

(This rant brought to you by Tom Being Tom, of — please join me for more random nonsense soon!)

Obviously our opinions differ, but there is nothing wrong with that!  In fact what a boring place this world would be if we all felt and thought the same about everything.

So Tom, I want to thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities.  Thank you for opening up discussions.  Thank you for supporting the growth of others even when your views clash.  Thank you for just being Tom.

I don’t think there is a “Respect” award floating around wordpress, but I give you mine.

To everyone that is reading this, if you have a moment, check out Tom’s blog at Tom being Tom, I really think that you will enjoy it.

This is my favorite post, if you are looking for a place to start.


Better late than never

I’m sure by now most of you have seen, heard, or been nominated for the 3 day quote challenge.  Way back on April 18, 2018, my dear friend Steve Markesich nominated, challenged, or otherwise taunted me to participate in this challenge.  As with most things, I promised to get around to it as long as I could adjust the rules a bit.

The Rules as they have been explained:

1. Thank the person that nominated you.

2. Write one quote each day for three consecutive days (3 quotes total)

3. Explain why the quote is meaningful for you.

4. Nominate three bloggers each day to participate in the challenge

My translation of the rules:

1.  Thank the person that nominated you.

Thank you Steve.  BUT, not only for the nomination.  Thank you for being a great sounding board, my being a friend, for being an inspiration to other “MSer’s”, and thank you for the cup of coffee you will be buying me for “participating”  😛

2.  Write one quote a day for 3 consecutive days.

I can barely commit to taking a shower every day for 3 consecutive days in a row, so HAVING to write for 3 days in a row…not gonna happen.  BUT, I will say that I really liked the quote you used and your explanation of why it’s meaningful to you.

You can either accept your new reality, confront it head on, and make the best of a bad situation. Or, you can curl into the fetal position, say whoa is me, lament about all the things that you’ve lost, become obsessed with the shitty hand you’ve been dealt, and wither away. In other words, you can get busy living or get busy dying.

I did watch the movie, and I really enjoyed it, so THANK YOU again for the recommendation.

3.  I don’t know if it qualifies as a quote, more a clip from the movie, “The Green Mile”.  “I’m tired Boss” Why it’s meaningful to me is because I AM TIRED, as John Coffey says in the movie….

Mostly, I’m tired of people being ugly to each other. I’m tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world every day. There’s too much of it. It’s like pieces of glass in my head, all the time… Can you understand?”

4.  I’m not going to nominate 3 bloggers to participate in the challenge, instead I am going to challenge EVERYONE (well anyone who reads this)…. If you can’t be part of the solution, please don’t be part of the problem.  For one day, if you don’t have anything nice to say, Don’t say anything.  I am convinced, if everyone could do this for one day the world would not only be a better place, but it would also be a quiet one.

Better than I was yesterday

I overthink!…. it’s true.  I OVERTHINK about EVERYTHING ALL the time!!!  So much so that I get lost in my brain playing devil’s advocate, trying to make sure I am seeing all sides of a situation.  I was in a funk this morning and couldn’t shake it,  I didn’t even have a known reason.  Then I turned on the camera, and started talking to myself.  I did a “brain dump”.

After making this video, before actually uploading it, I called a very wise, honest new friend of mine and asked him to help me “get out of my head”.  I felt like he listened to me ramble without judgment, and then I listened to him.  He gives good advice! Lots of advice, but good advice.  Thank you for that “Superman”!!!!

Anyway the moral of all of this, is that I want to be a better person.  I’m not saying that I am a bad person, but I want to be better than I was yesterday.  Sometimes I really hate that I overthink everything, but maybe its the overthinking that will get me there?

What started all of this…. I belong to many Facebook groups for people dealing with Chronic Illness, more specifically Multiple Sclerosis.  Yesterday in one of the groups someone posted a picture of a “nasty note” that was left on their car, saying something to the effect of “you don’t look sick, why are you taking a spot that someone who is sick needs?”  The note was much more harsh than that, but I think you get my point?  Anyway, the person posted the picture of the note saying, “because people suck”.  I assume she was hurt and just wanted to vent, and was looking for support.  Ok I get it…kind of….  What I don’t get though is why of the 409 emoji’s and comments that followed on the thread, I was one of the few that simply replied, “I am sorry that happened to you”.  People started sharing their own stories about how much people suck and the cocky comments they respond to people with like, “Well maybe I don’t look sick, but you don’t look stupid!”  (no offense, but after saying that and “showing your ass” to me, you kind of do)  Why does one wrong make a right?  Someone said or did something to hurt you and it’s automatically ok to hurt them back?!?!??!  I don’t get it.  Why not be better than them?  Why not be stronger than them?

What really set me off about the thread of comments, was one woman talking about how her 9 year old “told off” someone that confronted her when she was questioned for parking in the handicap spot.  Seriously?!~?~!?  Why didn’t she pull her child aside and say, “Some people just don’t get it”?  Why didn’t she take this as a learning opportunity for her child to NOT Be judgmental and filled with hate?  Why did no one in this thread, suggest that to her?  I chose not to comment on the thread further because I realize that I will not “fix” everyone.  Honestly, I don’t have the time or energy for that.  But I also know that I don’t want to feed into that either.

In the 20 years that I have lived with MS, and however many years I have used a handicap parking placard, I have been confronted numerous times both verbally and in writing that I don’t LOOK disabled. Shrug…. Ok?  Do you feel better after saying that to me?  I literally just shrug and walk away.  Sometimes I TRY to smile first, sometimes I don’t.  Again….SHRUG.  Occasionally, I will attempt to educate someone that not all disabilities are visible, but most of the time I smh and walk away.

People wonder why their is so much hate and anger in the world, yet they feed into it themselves.  I know that I will be confronted again, I can not control that, but I can control how I react to it. I CAN BE A BETTER ME!!!!

Here is another link to the video of my “brain dump” if you would care to watch.

Thank you again to “superman” for letting me unload this morning!.  Treadmill time.  Busy Busy weekend here.  I hope everyone is able to stay warm this weekend 🙂

Why isn’t there a universal “I’m sorry” sign or symbol?

Earlier today I started to back out in front of someone.  Thankfully, I looked again before I continued and she was paying enough attention to catch me backing out before she hit me.  She stopped her car, I continued to back out, and I tried to tell her that I was sorry from my car, but I didn’t know how.  As I put my hands up, they didn’t know what to do.  I mouthed the words, “I’m sorry” as I put one hand over my heart and shook my head.  She nodded at me and parked in the spot that I had previously occupied and I drove away.

For the entire day I have been plagued with the question…

“Why isn’t there a universal sign to tell someone that you are sorry?”

I don’t know of a single individual, that doesn’t recognize the “Middle Finger” as a sign of Fuck you, you are an idiot etc…so why isn’t there a sign that says I’m sorry?!?!?fuck you

As a society are we that accustomed to negativity and blame that we know how to “tell someone off”, but we don’t know how to apologize?  Is it bigger than that?  Do we not know how to accept responsibility for our own shortcomings?

I spent almost an hour on google trying to find a “universal sign” for I’m sorry.  The closest thing I could find was the ASL or American Sign Language, and again that is not universal, and from any kind of distance would appear that I was giving the middle finger.

What would you do in a situation like that?  How do you convey that YOU SCREWED UP, when another driver can’t clearly see your facial expressions or hear your voice?  I had even thought of pulling over and getting out of my car to apologize, but in the city I live in you DON’T just walk up to someone’s car and not expect to get shot.

I’m sure I will go back to my busy life soon, and “forget” this incident, but I still wonder…. “Why isn’t there a sign for apologies?!?!?”