Letter to My Best Friend (Munch)

It’s hard to believe that it’s been over a month since we’ve talked……

Who am I kidding, I talk to you everyday?!!??!

If I really think about it, I guess it also hasn’t been a month since I’ve seen you. I have 1000’s of pictures, both physical ones and all of those images and memories of us and our 30 years of friendship that are burned in my mind.

Hmmm in reality, it hasn’t even been a month since I have heard your voice. (I have never been more thankful for the technology of voicemails and videos!!!!)

SO WHY DOES IT STILL HURT SO BAD?!?!?!? I feel like I have a huge hole in my heart, yet my heart is so full of you.

FUCK CANCER! Fuck all the pain I watched you endure! Fuck all the pain I still feel!!!!

Well now that the emotional shit is out of the way… ( NOT) We should probably catch up…

Oh wait! I’m mad at you!

I don’t care if it makes any sense!

I’m mad that you aren’t here! I’m mad that my RIDE OR DIE friend DIED! How could you do this to me?!?!?!?

We are supposed to turn 50 next year!!! Remember the party of a lifetime?!?!!? So where the hell are you?!?!?!?

When I opened wordpress today, I had every intention of “catching up with you”. I wanted to tell you that my surgery went ok. The new MS drug hasn’t hurt me, I don’t think…, I finally kicked the crazy bitch out of my house, although she is threatening to sue me…smh, and so many more things, but then the emotions came pouring out.

I’m sorry. I miss you.

I’ve been looking at memorial tattoo idea’s to add to our “eyes in the back of our head” tattoos. I found one that says, “You may be gone from my sight, but you are never gone from my heart.” , which I kind of liked. I also thought about tattooing the last note you wrote me, under the eyeballs. With as emotional as I have been, I know that I need to wait a little longer. Maybe I do that for the big 50?

Rest in Peace my friend!

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Damn Girl! Where’s your bottom?

That might just be the title for my new book! KIDDING!!!! Like I need another project in my life…smh

“Where’s your bottom?”, is however what a respected ‘friend’ said to me after I reached out to her last week. I was speechless. Not because I was offended, I don’t think, but I honestly started questioning myself. Have I hit rock bottom? What exactly is rock bottom? Is it a level you set for yourself? Does society dictate what rock bottom is?

I should probably go back and elaborate or provide more context about the original conversation. This person I reached out to is someone whose strength I admire, who’s stubbornness rivals my own, someone who has MS and is also a blogger. I reached out to her, because over the past year, I have seen bits and pieces of her life here and there on Facebook and she seemed to be doing really well, while I on the other hand…. HAVE NOT….

I have been struggling a lot. Treading water maybe? Maybe I was looking for a magic pill? I’m not sure. What I do know is that whatever the hell I have been doing has not been working. I have been sleeping 10-12 hours a day, waking up tired and wanting to go back to sleep. Once I have dragged my ass out of bed, I went through the motions of adulting, and parenting my parents, then I watched the clock waiting for it to signal that it was time to get away from it all again. In between waking and the relief of bedtime, I was just kind of “going through the motions”. I hated the sound of my phone ringing or texting…who the hell is that and what do they want from me?!?!? Not to mention the 20-40 spam likely calls that I get a day. So I was there, but not there.

I needed something to be happy about, even if it was just being happy that someone else is happy. I NEEDED to hear something positive. (I have been surrounded by toxic people and so much negativity lately that it almost killed me) So I reached out.

I loved hearing the happiness in her voice and the excitement as she told me some stories. I did need that, but then the topic shifted to me. She told me that she had seen some of what I have been going through the last year on Facebook, and thought, “Damn girl, where’s your bottom”? And I have been thinking about that phrase ever since.

Where’s your bottom?

I don’t know. I really don’t. Honestly, I don’t want to know.

There is no prize for how much shit can one person go through, although it does seem like it’s a contest I have been having with the world lately. Do you win, if you can fight another day?

The thing is, whether I have reached my bottom or not, I do know that I don’t like where I am. I guess the real question is, “What am I gonna do about it?”

One post a day… APAD Day 9 Gone but never forgotten

Remembering Snuff and D.O.G.

We purchased D.O.G in 2008. I was very depressed. My step daughter that I had been raising for the last 5 years decided to move across the country to live with her biological mother. I was in and out of the hospital having MS exacerbations every couple of months. I was in A. Bad. Place. Adding D.O.G. to our family was just what I needed. She was my constant companion or copilot. The MS exacerbations continued to occur every two or three months finally landing me in a wheelchair almost full time and having to use a Foley catheter. Again, I. was. DEPRESSED. I was put in a rehabilitation center for 3 months to learn how to walk again. (That is another story though) D.O.G. also became very depressed. She would not eat unless she could visit me or hear my voice on the phone. Did I mention co-dependent? My ex-husband and I decided to get a dog for D.O.G.

Buying a dog for your dog

Yes I bought a dog for my dog. I have always loved German Shepherds. They are hands down my favorite breed. A friend of the family’s German Shepherd had puppies and she said I could take my pick for $300.00. If you have ever purchased a purebred dog, you know that $300.00 is a hell of a deal. (more on that later) Thing One, Thing Two and I went to meet the puppies. Out of 12 of them we were all able to agree that Snuff was the one. The fact that we were all able to agree, MADE her the one. That and she kind of picked us.

Getting two dogs was one of the few Good Decisions that I have made in my life. Over the next few years I learned the importance of training your dogs to be “Good Citizens” or in Layman’s terms “not to be assholes”. Again that’s another story though.

Losing a pet is devastating

Snuff died in June of 2019

Time of Death 10:30 pm 06/15/2019

and I lost D.O.G. in January of 2021

I didn’t write a post about losing D.O.G. I COULDN’T write. I couldn’t sleep. I just couldn’t…well anything.

Both of these girls will always be in my heart!

Healthy resources for chronic illnesses

Last week I shared, my list of Not your Typical Blogger Awards recommendations.  I mentioned in the post that I also had recommendations for chronic illness bloggers that were inspirational and motivating that I would share if requested.

As I continued to reread posts from February of last year, I realized that I had completely forgotten that not only did I actually write a little about MS in February, but I also made a video about being newly diagnosed> I was also fortunate enough to have some of those very same inspirational and motivational bloggers do guest posts on my blog.  Their names and links to their blogs can be found here.

I would like to add a few of the chronic illness bloggers that I have also begun following since that post was written that I also find very motivating and helpful.

First is Terri, from Reclaiming Hope.   Terri lives with Fibromyalgia, and offers great tips on total wellness, sharing advice on complete wellness encompassing emotional, social, spiritual, occupational, intellectual, financial, and physical aspects.  Whether or not, you suffer from a chronic illiness, I think you may find a lot to gain by visiting her site.

Next up is Heather and Dizzy from Dinosaurs, Donkeys, and MS.  Heather was diagnosed with MS a only a couple of years ago, but you would think she had been living with MS for a long time, based on the amount of information she shares.  Heather shares information about the OMS program, many exercising techniques, and relaxation techniques through her stories with her Donkey Dizzy.  She has also begun a podcast featuring two herself and two other MS bloggers from the UK.  If you have a minute, potter over  to her page, again you will not be disappointed!

Also from the UK is Caz, the author of Invisibly Me.  For a quick glimpse at her personality, check out her post, This and That.  As with most invisible illnesses, you wouldn’t know that anything is “wrong” with Caz, by looking at her, but she takes this one step further by sharing tips on how she continues to fight and rise above the trials she faces.  I especially like her post, What my invisible illness(es) have taught me. If you have another moment, (while you are in the UK :P) take a few steps over to her page.  About once a month she will share frugal finds for things she has found that help beat the heat and work on relaxation.

While I’m taking you around the world (well yah the internet is) I’d like to take a moment to visit Vancouver and talk about Amanda from Walk a Myelin* My shoes.  Not only does Amanda talk about the realities of living with Chronic Illness on her blog, but she is in the process of writing a book, and often talks about the other side ( caregivers and support people for those of us living with an invisible or chronic illness). To keep in line with the subject I wrote about earlier with being newly diagnosed, I would like to share this post written by Amanda as a place to start.

It is so easy to fall in with “the bad crowd” of people living with chronic illness.  By “bad crowd”, I don’t mean bad people, I mean people that spend more time succumbing to  their diagnosis and limitations than they do focusing on the positives in their life or are resigned to let the disease consume them.  (I think we may all go there from time to time.) Personally, I find it so much more helpful to spend time with people that while maybe struggling, continue to fight each day.

I hope you can take some time to visit the above mentioned websites, and that you find them as helpful as I do!

I have showed you mine, will you show me yours?

Do you have any websites or bloggers that you follow that share tips for dealing with chronic illness?  I would love to hear your thoughts

Maybe you can share some recommendations that you have?

 

I hit Einstein with the car

True story!

and not once but twice!!

I know it sounds terrible and it probably is, but now it is something we try to laugh about.  Maybe the story will make you fear me, but I truly hope you will chuckle instead, since no one was ever actually hurt.

Back in January, I talked about almost hitting Einstein with a car for the 3rd time.

Fortunately it never happened.  Well THAT time it didn’t happen, but on one occasion, almost 30 years ago, I intentionally hit him with a car.  That’s the only time I did it intentionally, but it was not my intention to kill him, or even hurt him seriously, it was to make him go away and to stop hurting me.  Other than to say there was alcohol, bad decisions, and police involved, I’m going to leave that story there.

Several years later, when I dropped our then teenage daughter off with him for visitation, she was wearing a bright red Tshirt, like the one pictured above.  I found it funny, he didn’t.

Several more years later, the three of us were looking through Thing One’s old photo albums and found a picture of her wearing said Tshirt.  Neither of us laughed at that point.  Actually we both got quiet, quiet enough that Thing One gave us a questioning look for an explanation.  We revisited that bad time with her briefly reminding her that good people make bad decisions, and that we had both changed and had many regrets from our past.  She shrugged it off, because she fortunately had never been witness to that part of our lives.

Maybe seven? years ago, Einstein had to take his car into Discount Tire, and asked me to meet him there to pick him up.  This was the “alleged” or 2nd time I “hit him” w/the car.

When I pulled into the cul-de-sac ( my path in blue) Einstein walked from the store to stand approximately where the red X is.  As he was walking out, I continued past him and did a U-turn in the culdesac.  Before I stopped completely, HE WALKED into the front of my car.  He says I ran into him, I say he walked into the car.  (Contact was at Two miles an hour and bumper to pant leg…not even touching skin).  We both stopped dead in our tracks and stared at each other.  What the hell just happened?!??! 

“Why did you keep walking?”, I shouted.

“Why didn’t you stop sooner?”, he retorted.

I don’t think either one of us said anything for many minutes.

My phone started ringing and I answered over the Bluetooth in my car.  It was our daughter, Thing One.  Before she could say anything, I said, ” OMG, Thing ONE, I just hit your dad with the car”.  Her response was………wait for it…… “again?!?!?”  Einstein exclaimed, “Seriously kiddo, that’s all I get?  Not a is Dad ok? Why did you do it?!?!?, really just AGAIN?!?!?”  She laughed and said, “Well you know how mom drives, and if she did actually hit you, you probably deserved it”.

Please be chuckling at this part!!!!

I know that it’s not a FUNNY story, but it is true.

At the beginning of this post, I said that I ALMOST hit him for a third time.  Here is another picture.

So back in January, Einstein needed to do some work on his car, that he kept putting off, because he had my car to use as a back up, or me to drive him to and from work.

Usually, I got there 15 minutes before he got off work and sat in the parking lot waiting, but as I explained in my earlier post, MScog fog,slump week, and grieving, I had overslept.

When I arrived in the parking lot, (again me in blue and Einstein in Red) we both just stopped.  Neither one of us moved for a few moments, until I moved the car along the green path and parked.

This time when he got in the car, we both said, “It really shouldn’t be this hard.”

The following month I moved out.

At the time I moved out, I foolishly thought that would be the end of US…whatever US was.  At the end of the post I wrote in February, The Elephant in the room, I stated, “Can I please get off this roller coaster now?”

Moving out was the best thing I could have done.  It did allow me to get off that particular roller coaster of emotions and start focusing on myself.  But I didn’t leave the “theme park” entirely.  Our daughter’s wedding, the upcoming birth of our grandchildren, the death of Einstein’s best friend, and many other things have brought us together again repeatedly, with the most recent being my needing help after my surgery.

Why am I writing about this?    For many reasons.

A couple weeks ago, I wrote that it had been almost a year since I started blogging.  I decided to take this time to reflect on how I survived last year, which areas I needed to improve on, and what goals I wanted to accomplish in the upcoming year.  Einstein has been a big factor of my life for many years.

Living apart has been beneficial to us both.  We no longer rely on or depend on each other.  When we choose to spend time together, it is because we choose to, not because we have to.  I am comfortable with that.

I really feels good to say I am comfortable.  I am not looking at the future with or without him, I am just letting things be and for us, for me… THAT is progress.  I am focusing on me.  Focusing on improving my health both mentally and physically, FOR ME!

As I have spent the last couple of week rereading posts, one thing that continually proves itself is that I have found a wonderfully supportive group of friends in the blogging world and words alone can not convey my gratitude.  In fact, if you have another minute I want those of you that have stuck around and keep coming back to know… You are one of the “resources” that keeps me going.   THANK YOU!!!!

( Remember this part in the upcoming weeks)