Better late than never

I’m sure by now most of you have seen, heard, or been nominated for the 3 day quote challenge.  Way back on April 18, 2018, my dear friend Steve Markesich nominated, challenged, or otherwise taunted me to participate in this challenge.  As with most things, I promised to get around to it as long as I could adjust the rules a bit.

The Rules as they have been explained:

1. Thank the person that nominated you.

2. Write one quote each day for three consecutive days (3 quotes total)

3. Explain why the quote is meaningful for you.

4. Nominate three bloggers each day to participate in the challenge

My translation of the rules:

1.  Thank the person that nominated you.

Thank you Steve.  BUT, not only for the nomination.  Thank you for being a great sounding board, my being a friend, for being an inspiration to other “MSer’s”, and thank you for the cup of coffee you will be buying me for “participating”  😛

2.  Write one quote a day for 3 consecutive days.

I can barely commit to taking a shower every day for 3 consecutive days in a row, so HAVING to write for 3 days in a row…not gonna happen.  BUT, I will say that I really liked the quote you used and your explanation of why it’s meaningful to you.

You can either accept your new reality, confront it head on, and make the best of a bad situation. Or, you can curl into the fetal position, say whoa is me, lament about all the things that you’ve lost, become obsessed with the shitty hand you’ve been dealt, and wither away. In other words, you can get busy living or get busy dying.

I did watch the movie, and I really enjoyed it, so THANK YOU again for the recommendation.

3.  I don’t know if it qualifies as a quote, more a clip from the movie, “The Green Mile”.  “I’m tired Boss” Why it’s meaningful to me is because I AM TIRED, as John Coffey says in the movie….

Mostly, I’m tired of people being ugly to each other. I’m tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world every day. There’s too much of it. It’s like pieces of glass in my head, all the time… Can you understand?”

4.  I’m not going to nominate 3 bloggers to participate in the challenge, instead I am going to challenge EVERYONE (well anyone who reads this)…. If you can’t be part of the solution, please don’t be part of the problem.  For one day, if you don’t have anything nice to say, Don’t say anything.  I am convinced, if everyone could do this for one day the world would not only be a better place, but it would also be a quiet one.

If you have nothing nice to say….

My parents taught me at a very young age, if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.  (I may still have the handprints on my face or belt marks on my ass to prove it.)  Although, I don’t necessarily agree with the methods used to teach me this, I do think that it is a very important lesson to have learned.

Lately, I haven’t had anything nice to say….so I haven’t said anything.  This isn’t to say that my life is terrible, but to be honest, I don’t even like being with myself lately …..so I say nothing.  I don’t like that I am getting angry over small things, and more importantly I don’t like that I don’t understand why I’m upset.

A friend said to me today, “Are you ok Grace? I’m worried about you.”  My response was “No I’m not, but I will be.”.  I KNOW that I will be.  I don’t know when, but I will get through this slump whatever it is, just like I have 100x before.

For those of you that use music to relate or express your emotions….the song Downtime by Jo Dee Messina kind of sums up what I am feeling at the moment.  If you listen to it let me know what you think.  How do you handle those days when you’ve got nothing nice to say?

 

 

Still, I have no words…can you help?

I don’t know if you remember my post from January, Holding on when I talked about a young mother, losing her life WAY TOO SOON and not knowing how to comfort those left behind.  Although I know there is no way to FIX This tragedy,  I do believe that it’s important for Brandon to share his grief and to know that he is NOT ALONE.  I have met so many wonderful friends in this blogosphere and I am asking you to listen to and read his story and if you can please let him know that he is NOT ALONE in this.  I have included a link a blog he created last night.  Thank you all in advance

I’ve started writing this post 4 times in 4 different ways. True to form, my crazy brain makes me keep deleting it and starting over. I want to tell the story of my wife and I, i want the whole world to know that I am nothing without her and that I don’t want […]

via Episode 1: Intro to Insanity — CaptainScrublord

How did I get here?

I woke up this morning feeling,  I would like to call it “recharged”, but it is better than that, and I really can’t find a word to “define” it.  Liberated? Free? Optimistic?….I guess the definition doesn’t really matter, but the feeling is INCREDIBLE.

Today, I was “supposed” to run electricity with my dad, but the weather changed our plans.  As I reached for my “to do list” to fill up my day, a thought hit me.  I really LIKE this feeling.  Instead of rushing to fill the “free time” with some other task, I decided to do nothing, just for a minute…. Did I mention I like this feeling??!?!?  I still don’t have a word for it, but I really like it.

codependentyThose damn feelings of CO-Dependency kept trying to creep in.  Someone, somewhere must need something.  I am positive that I am forgetting something for the wedding, maybe I should start packing now, so I can recheck it 50x before we leave Friday morning?           STOP IT GRACE!!!

I looked at the calendar, everything is right on or ahead of schedule.  How the hell did that happen?  The last two? three? weeks are kind of a blur.

Okay so how did I get here?

I reread some of last weeks blog posts.  Oh yeah, I kind of remember doing that…. maybe?  I’ve been living on auto- pilot.  I have been “going through the motions” and not letting myself FEEL anything.

Yesterday, when I arrived at the hospital for my Tysabri infusion, the nurses kept asking me if I was ok.  “Are you sure, you’re ok?”  I replied, “Yes, I’m good, just overdue for this infusion and I’m really tired.”  and then they asked again…”Grace, are you going to be able to drive home after this?” I responded, “I’m not driving, I promise…my parents will be here in a little bit.”…. one more time….”Are you sure?”….. uh huh…..and I was out.

I woke up to my dad’s voice in the hallway calling out my name to see which room I was in.  The minute, I saw their faces, tears came pouring out of my eyes.  What the hell is this,  why was I crying?  It didn’t really matter, it’s not like I could stop the tears anyway.  So I just let them flow.

I don’t remember anything else from yesterday.  I know my parents brought me home.  I know I ate at some point etc etc.  and I slept.  I really slept.  I still don’t have the adjective to describe this feeling and I am going to let that be ok.

In the past two hours that I have been sitting here, drinking coffee and reflecting I have “learned” some thing about myself.

I can “handle” physical pain, but I do everything in my power to run from emotional pain, in fact,  I think I have done this my entire life.  I stay busy all the time.  I go out of my way to try to make people feel better all the time, because I can’t handle tears.  I can’t handle watching someone who is grieving suffer.  I literally would rather go to the dentist, get shot, jump off a cliff, you name it, than to FEEL emotional pain.

My first thought, was “that’s just pathetic”.  But then I asked myself, “Why?”.  Who says it’s pathetic?  Seriously, who’s voice is that judging and belittling me?  The voice was my own.  There is no one to blame.  It’s that VERY FRICKING LOUD “little voice”, in my own head trying to sabotage myself.  When I type it out in black and white, it looks just plain silly.

Ok, so I have some work to do on myself.  (But not today).  Today I am going to just be.  I am not “planning for tomorrow”, or “thinking about yesterday.”  Today, I am just going to be.

 

 

 

 

My One thing box…. so DOING IT WRONG…..

A few months ago, the LAST time I almost had a “mini mental breakdown” from trying to be superwoman ( GRACE, the damn costume does NOT fit) a really great friend of mine said, “Damn it Grace, will you just slow down?!?!? Focus on ONE THING, just one thing at a time!!!”  “Yeah, yeah” I replied. ” I got it. (as I added 20 more things to my to do list)

We finished our conversation and she said, “I’ve got it!  I am making something for you.”  Ok?  I didn’t really think much more about it…..

A month later, a box arrived from Florida, ( I live in Illinois)…..hmmmm Not medical supplies, (they come from Texas)…. Not my prescriptions…(THOSE came LAST week) too big of a box to be more bills ( besides that, medical collectors like to use big flashy envelopes so that all your neighbors know you are a slacker)

light bulb over your head Duh, Florida!  Bones is from Florida!!!!!!!! tiki doll

She said she was sending you something…..

My mind went back to what I THOUGHT was our last conversation in which we had talked about going thrift shop shopping for an ugly “tiki like” statue.

The side story behind the “Tiki statue”.

Although I have “known” Bones for almost 3 years, we have only ever “hung out” (in person) two times.  I live in Illinois, she lives in Florida.  We “met” playing an online game on facebook, and it was over a year of talking on the phone, skype etc before we actually met in person.  She was supposed to come stay with me for a week in Sept. of last year, even had purchased her airline ticket, but Hurricane Maria hit the day she was supposed to fly out. 😦 So the trip was cancelled.

We tried to find time in our schedules to pick another day, but with the holidays coming and my daughter’s upcoming wedding, we decided to wait and try again next year.  To hold ourselves “accountable” we agreed to purchase the ugliest statue that we could find to be left at the other ones house.  The only way you could get rid of the statue was to “deliver” it in person to the other one.

So back to the package…..

Why was she sending me the Tiki package?  That wasn’t our plan.  We were going to pick one out together…..  😦 and it was supposed to be HAND delivered or retrieved…. Hmmmm well I’m just not gonna open it!  😛

The box sat by the door for 2 hours before Einstein pestered me enough to open it.

I’m glad I was sitting on the floor when I did.  Fucking tears came out of no where.  When I opened the box this is what I saw…..

She had HAND MADE me my very own “One Thing”  box to remind me to….. SLOW THE HELL DOWN!!!

Who knew that this woman that lives more than 1000 miles away from me, that I met playing an online game, would become one of the best friends anyone could ask for?!?!?

The box is not only a box to collect my to do lists.  Bones did research on why I use the ORANGE ROSE as my blog picture.  (Orange is the color for MS awareness and I printed the rose on our 3d printer, when I was feeling especially blah one day to remind myself that there is still beauty in the world)  I know….. cheesy, but it works for me.  She found images of butterflies, which I didn’t know also represent MS awareness.

Inside of the box she taped the picture of me skydiving that I had posted on my newly created blog’s welcome page.  She included cut out One Thing “tags” with a letter explaining that how I was supposed to use this box. She said, ” This is for your LONG list of To-do’s, but…. BUT you can ONLY place ONE task on each piece of paper.”  Of course there were more “rules”, but you get the gist?

Well I’m still doing it wrong……

right way

wrong way

I THOUGHT I was doing it right, but I was writing tags like the ones on the left, when I probably should have done more like the ones on the right.

Just because the words fit in the box, does not mean they will fit into a day!!!!…smh

Plan BOSTON?!?!?  Seriously what the hell was I thinking?!?!?  Yep I’m gonna plan a trip with 3 other people all by myself in one day! Doh! I tried, I reached out to everyone to confirm airline selections before booking. I couldn’t reach anyone, but outgoing messages were sent.  So let’s start with cleaning the house.  I probably should have chosen to vacuum OR dust OR laundry instead of tackling all of the rooms and all of the chores at once....but but…the tag said ONE thing…. and I only wrote ONE THING!!!  CLEAN THE HOUSE!!!!!

I did manage to make a lot of progress on the lists on the left, but didn’t actually finish anything except for cleaning the house. ALL OF THE LAUNDRY washed, dried, folded AND put away!!!!  All the dishes, vacuuming, dusting, and I even washed the floors and cleaned the bathrooms.  As I laid down, (passed out) on the couch, utterly exhausted, I looked at the vacuum cleaner that I had neglected to empty or put away, and started the next day’s list….

The next day…..

I laid on the couch all damn day and most of the next….I was in so much pain.

WHEN will I learn?!?!?!?

I really don’t understand why I push myself so hard.  smh I’m sure it has something to do with no longer being able to work outside my house, and self worth and all that, but I KNOW I will PAY for it later, yet I keep doing it.

Definition of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/unknown_133991
Thank you all for listening to me ramble!  (WordPress is cheaper than a shrink)
Anyone have any ideas why I’m always in such a hurry to get EVERYTHING done?
Bones?  Have I told you lately that I love you?!?!? ( get that song stuck in your head)
I never dreamed that this blogging adventure would lead me to so many supportive people and new friends. 🙂 I’ve had the time of my life 🙂 🙂 🙂