Letter to My Best Friend (Munch)

It’s hard to believe that it’s been over a month since we’ve talked……

Who am I kidding, I talk to you everyday?!!??!

If I really think about it, I guess it also hasn’t been a month since I’ve seen you. I have 1000’s of pictures, both physical ones and all of those images and memories of us and our 30 years of friendship that are burned in my mind.

Hmmm in reality, it hasn’t even been a month since I have heard your voice. (I have never been more thankful for the technology of voicemails and videos!!!!)

SO WHY DOES IT STILL HURT SO BAD?!?!?!? I feel like I have a huge hole in my heart, yet my heart is so full of you.

FUCK CANCER! Fuck all the pain I watched you endure! Fuck all the pain I still feel!!!!

Well now that the emotional shit is out of the way… ( NOT) We should probably catch up…

Oh wait! I’m mad at you!

I don’t care if it makes any sense!

I’m mad that you aren’t here! I’m mad that my RIDE OR DIE friend DIED! How could you do this to me?!?!?!?

We are supposed to turn 50 next year!!! Remember the party of a lifetime?!?!!? So where the hell are you?!?!?!?

When I opened wordpress today, I had every intention of “catching up with you”. I wanted to tell you that my surgery went ok. The new MS drug hasn’t hurt me, I don’t think…, I finally kicked the crazy bitch out of my house, although she is threatening to sue me…smh, and so many more things, but then the emotions came pouring out.

I’m sorry. I miss you.

I’ve been looking at memorial tattoo idea’s to add to our “eyes in the back of our head” tattoos. I found one that says, “You may be gone from my sight, but you are never gone from my heart.” , which I kind of liked. I also thought about tattooing the last note you wrote me, under the eyeballs. With as emotional as I have been, I know that I need to wait a little longer. Maybe I do that for the big 50?

Rest in Peace my friend!

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One post a day… APAD Day 9 Gone but never forgotten

Remembering Snuff and D.O.G.

We purchased D.O.G in 2008. I was very depressed. My step daughter that I had been raising for the last 5 years decided to move across the country to live with her biological mother. I was in and out of the hospital having MS exacerbations every couple of months. I was in A. Bad. Place. Adding D.O.G. to our family was just what I needed. She was my constant companion or copilot. The MS exacerbations continued to occur every two or three months finally landing me in a wheelchair almost full time and having to use a Foley catheter. Again, I. was. DEPRESSED. I was put in a rehabilitation center for 3 months to learn how to walk again. (That is another story though) D.O.G. also became very depressed. She would not eat unless she could visit me or hear my voice on the phone. Did I mention co-dependent? My ex-husband and I decided to get a dog for D.O.G.

Buying a dog for your dog

Yes I bought a dog for my dog. I have always loved German Shepherds. They are hands down my favorite breed. A friend of the family’s German Shepherd had puppies and she said I could take my pick for $300.00. If you have ever purchased a purebred dog, you know that $300.00 is a hell of a deal. (more on that later) Thing One, Thing Two and I went to meet the puppies. Out of 12 of them we were all able to agree that Snuff was the one. The fact that we were all able to agree, MADE her the one. That and she kind of picked us.

Getting two dogs was one of the few Good Decisions that I have made in my life. Over the next few years I learned the importance of training your dogs to be “Good Citizens” or in Layman’s terms “not to be assholes”. Again that’s another story though.

Losing a pet is devastating

Snuff died in June of 2019

Time of Death 10:30 pm 06/15/2019

and I lost D.O.G. in January of 2021

I didn’t write a post about losing D.O.G. I COULDN’T write. I couldn’t sleep. I just couldn’t…well anything.

Both of these girls will always be in my heart!

Calling all Dog owners

Many of you know that Snuff is no longer with us.  I knew it was going to hurt like hell, but I had not counted on the additional pain of watching D.O.G. mourn Snuff.  FUCK!!!!

How do you help an animal grieve the loss of another?

When we got home from the animal hospital that night, D.O.G. was laying on the towel that snuff had been laying on that night.  She wouldn’t move.  She wouldn’t go outside, she wouldn’t eat, and didn’t even want to be cuddled.  Like me, my dogs are wanderers or travelers.  They have beds, bowls, and favorite spots at my house, Einstein’s, and at Thing Two’s.  Even though we don’t always sleep at the same house, the dog’s have never been apart.

The next morning, when I moved my car keys, D.O.G. popped up and ran right to the garage door.  Was she looking for Snuff?  Did she think Snuff was at my house, or did she just want to be home?  Did she know snuff wasn’t coming back?  Did she hurt as bad as I did?  So many questions and emotions.  I decided to take her home.

When we got home, she almost tripped me to get into the house where she immediately went room to room in search of….?  When I let her outside, she went ran the perimeter of my yard as well.  Once she was worn out, she crawled up next to me in bed, and wouldn’t leave my side.  I’m not sure if being there helped D.O.G. or not, but I was not ready to be there without Snuff, so we went back to Einstein’s that night.

Thing two asked if she could pick up D.O.G.  the next night after work.  Her house would be the last place D.O.G. would associate with Snuff, so maybe she could begin to understand Snuff wasn’t coming back.

Have you ever had to help one pet grieve the loss of another?  What things have you found make it easier?  Were there things that didn’t help? I have tried to keep our routine as similar as possible (feeding time, walk time, play time etc)  Until a few days ago, I had not removed Snuff’s dishes or kennel and D.O.G. spent most of her time lying on Snuff’s bed.

To complicate matters, I found a flea on D.O.G.  Are you freaking kidding me?!??!?  I have had dogs, my entire life and have NEVER had to deal with fleas, ticks, mites etc.  So I turned to Google.  Big mistake!  Google had me convinced that we all needed to shave all hair from our bodies and that I had to burn my house down.  ( Ok that was only my initial reaction…but ewwww)

What I HAVE done after telling Einstein and Thing Two, is steam clean my furniture and carpet.  I have bombed (Raid flea fogger) my house 2 times, and washed all bedding and toys in hot water.  (this is the reason I broke down Snuff’s kennel) 😦  I have flea dipped D.O.G. and check her daily but I am overly anxious that it is not enough.  Have you ever had to deal with fleas?  What steps did you have to take to be sure they were gone?

I know I have alot of questions in this post.  I am feeling very overwhelmed at the moment.  I appreciate any suggestions you might be willing to share.

On a final note, Snuff’s ashes have been returned to me.  In addition to putting them in an urn, Einstein put some in a necklace for me and Thing Two and put some aside to be added to the tattoo I got of her paw print on my right leg were she always stood.

Time of Death 10:30 pm 06/15/2019

I don’t know if you remember, back in March of this year, we received the devastating news that Snuff had Hemangiosarcoma– CANCER.  The vet performed surgery to remove her ruptured spleen, but the cancer had spread too far.  The vet said that we would lose her within the next few months.

While I am grateful that I had 3 more months with her, THEY WEREN’T ENOUGH.!!!!

Snuff took her last breath at 10:30 pm on Saturday.

As I looked at this “collection” of the snuff’s things this morning, thinking this is all I have left of her, I realized that I was wrong.  My heart is full of love for her, my brain full of memories.

So now Snuff is gone, but she will NEVER be forgotten!!!!!!!

So many road trips together

“Helping” with the yard work

 

So

Much

Personality

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Snuff,

I hope you know that it goes without saying that I would hold onto your forever if I could.  Watching you these last few days, I know the time has come that I have to let you go.  I can’t watch you struggle to rise each time I leave the room.    I feel that you are only holding on to make sure that we are ok.  We aren’t.  It hurts like hell, but worrying about you being pain hurts more.

Though you will no longer be by our sides, you will forever be in our hearts.

 

Rest in Peace MY GIRL

Hemangiosarcoma

If you have followed me for any amount of time, I am sure that you have heard me talk about my GSD, SNUFF.  If you haven’t heard about or met her please take a moment to get to know her while there is still a little bit of time.

When you spend as much time with your animals as I do, you quickly notice any different or unusual personality traits.  Last week, Snuff ‘s ears were down, and when I would get up to leave the room she didn’t sprint up in front of me to see where we were going.  She was eating normally and when I felt her belly and limbs she didn’t cry or pull away but she just didn’t appear to be “up to SNUFF”.

I called the vet and said I needed to bring her in to be examined, for the reasons I mentioned above.  They told me to watch her for a couple of days and see if anything changed.  I made an appointment for Friday.

When Dan got home, I asked him to look at Snuff and see if I was overreacting.  When he lifted her chin to look into her eyes, she collapsed on the floor.

We called the vet back and they said to bring her in immediately.

A series of tests and xrays showed that she was bleeding internally and if we had any hope to save her, she would need emergency surgery.

OK SO DO THE GOD DAMNED SURGERY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Several hours  later, the doctor’s reported that there had been a tumor on her spleen that had ruptured, so they performed a splenectomy.  They said that her liver and kidneys looked good, but that we should still send the tumor out for a histopathology to see if it was cancerous.

Over the last week Snuff’s personality has returned. I told myself that the tumor had to be benign and that she would only continue to improve.

(She has really been letting me know that she hates wearing the cone to prevent her from licking her staples) 

The vet called with the results Thursday and crushed my hopes.  We were no longer calling the tumor a hemangioma, but now it was called Hemangiosarcoma  ….. CANCER.

They have given her 2- 12 months to live stating that the former is more likely as it is a very aggressive cancer.  I am hoping, wishing, and praying or whatever its called that it’s the later.  I am just not ready.  Although I know I never will be.  Snuff is part of the family!

As I try to wrap my head around this news, I am trying to find comfort in the fact that we do still have some time and we have loads and loads of memories.  I am going to share some now.

<– This picture is of Snuff and D.O.G. a few weeks after she choose us and we brought her home.

The picture of the right demonstrates he obsession with “balls” and playing fetch.

 

I will upload a video to youtube later this week of Snuff and her “pet rock” (apparently I don’t have the right subscription to put it here…..smh and another about her making small talk with me.

We were trying to figure out why snuff “put herself in timeout”

She didn’t.  She was using her body to keep the other animals away from HER BALL…smh

Speaking of other animals…. Yes I have a few.  Thing 2 was giving them treats to try to  get a “family picture.”  From left to right there is Neewollah (black cat), D.O.G (boston bull dog), Beauty (other black cat and neewollah’s sister), Snuff , and finally Foxy (the White sheep?..I mean cat) of the family.

I think the only think Snuff cares about more than her ball is Thing 2.  They are Best friends.

Thank you for letting me introduce you to SNUFF.  I am sure I will be posting more pictures, stories, and videos in the future.

As shitty as this news has been, I do feel blessed to have a “warning” if you will.

For all of you that consider your pets your family too, is there anything you can recommend to ease the pain it causes you?  Is there anything you do or have done to “keep them close”?  For example, I will be getting a tattoo of her pawprint.  I found a “memory box” picture frame with a place for not only her pictures, but her collar as well.