Letter to My Best Friend (Munch)

It’s hard to believe that it’s been over a month since we’ve talked……

Who am I kidding, I talk to you everyday?!!??!

If I really think about it, I guess it also hasn’t been a month since I’ve seen you. I have 1000’s of pictures, both physical ones and all of those images and memories of us and our 30 years of friendship that are burned in my mind.

Hmmm in reality, it hasn’t even been a month since I have heard your voice. (I have never been more thankful for the technology of voicemails and videos!!!!)

SO WHY DOES IT STILL HURT SO BAD?!?!?!? I feel like I have a huge hole in my heart, yet my heart is so full of you.

FUCK CANCER! Fuck all the pain I watched you endure! Fuck all the pain I still feel!!!!

Well now that the emotional shit is out of the way… ( NOT) We should probably catch up…

Oh wait! I’m mad at you!

I don’t care if it makes any sense!

I’m mad that you aren’t here! I’m mad that my RIDE OR DIE friend DIED! How could you do this to me?!?!?!?

We are supposed to turn 50 next year!!! Remember the party of a lifetime?!?!!? So where the hell are you?!?!?!?

When I opened wordpress today, I had every intention of “catching up with you”. I wanted to tell you that my surgery went ok. The new MS drug hasn’t hurt me, I don’t think…, I finally kicked the crazy bitch out of my house, although she is threatening to sue me…smh, and so many more things, but then the emotions came pouring out.

I’m sorry. I miss you.

I’ve been looking at memorial tattoo idea’s to add to our “eyes in the back of our head” tattoos. I found one that says, “You may be gone from my sight, but you are never gone from my heart.” , which I kind of liked. I also thought about tattooing the last note you wrote me, under the eyeballs. With as emotional as I have been, I know that I need to wait a little longer. Maybe I do that for the big 50?

Rest in Peace my friend!

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A Post a Day APAD Day 8- thrown under the bus

Thrown Under the Bus

Before you try to throw me under the bus, make sure you know who’s driving it. I have been thrown under the bus so many times, I have permanent tire tracks on my head, I’m sure of it.

Last year was a pretty rough year for me in many ways. At one point when I needed help I reached out to someone I normally would not have. I HATE asking for help, absolutely hate it. But there it is I did. As a result, when the person that helped me reached out to me asking for help, I felt obligated to help when normally I would not have gotten involved.

I got involved.

So I got involved. I took care of shit that H, should have handled on her own. A couple weeks later I get a call from T, her boyfriend, asking why I got involved. I responded, because “H asked me to”. She did?!?!? YES. I’m not surprised that H didn’t tell T. I am surprised and a little hurt that she tried to pin it all on me though. I guess oh well, my “debt” is paid. I didn’t do anything wrong, illegal, or unethical, I just got involved in something I normally wouldn’t and while I “fixed” the problem, trying to throw me under the bus created 100 new problems for them.

I know this post may seem a little cheesy, but I wanted to ” get it out of my head”, but I don’t need to throw someone under the bus to do it. I don’t need to air someone else dirty laundry, but I do need a reminder to continue to mind my own business. This is that reminder.

Conflicting Emotions

Have you ever felt emotions that were complete polar opposites at the exact same time?

Last week, I wrote  One Step forward, two steps back.   I saw the surgeon this morning.  I should be happy that he was able to see me so quickly, and that they will be getting me in for surgery soonish.  I AM happy…kind of.

BUT, I am also pissed off.  I’m mad at the doctor who dismissed my foot pain and swelling as gout, but I’m even more upset with myself for letting him.  I should have fought harder for myself.  Three weeks have passed since my original visit to the doctor,. Three weeks before I couldn’t handle the pain anymore, and went to immediate care.  THREE weeks more damage to my foot because I continued to walk on it.  and NOW surgery.

The doctor is trying to get me in for surgery this week, but I have Medicare for insurance, and they don’t do anything quickly, so maybe not until next week.  I suppose I am to blame for this too, since I refuse to take pain meds, it can’t hurt that bad??!?!?!??!   I don’t refuse pain meds because I have a high pain tolerance, I refuse them because even one norco binds me up for at least a week and the mood swings are scary…. In hindsight, I will ask for them anyway.

While on the subject of being angry.  I am also mad that I bought another pack of cigarettes.  No one forced me to do that, and I know that recovering from surgery will take longer if I continue to smoke, yet I did it anyway……I have thrown the pack out 3x only to dig it back out of the trash….yes disgusting I know……

But did I mention yah surgery?…..smh

There are flashlights everywhere

Last week?  I think it was last week, I asked someone to hold the flashlight for me.  I don’t know why I was so surprised by the number of offers I received, but I  was genuinely and pleasantly surprised.  Thank YOU for that!

In my post I talked about how I don’t do “feelings” very well, and that I was going to take some time working on that.  What I have discovered is that I am not very nice to myself.  My ‘inner’ voice says the most atrocious things to myself.  I call myself fat.  I call myself lazy.  I call myself mean, and to be honest, I am very mean TO MYSELF.  “you should have done better , Why didn’t you try harder? You should have been able to fix that!!!”

Did I mention pretty fucking mean?  The thing is the things I say to myself, I would never say to another human being.  EVER!.  So why is it ok to say it to myself?!?!?  I’ve been spending the last week trying to find the answer to that question, and I have come up with…. IT’S NOT OKAY!

That’s as far as I have gotten with my observations.

I am very mean to myself and IT IS NOT OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have tried the whole stand in front of the mirror and telling myself that I am a warrior thing, which resulted in my spitting toothpaste on the mirror.  When I finished cleaning that up, I did realize that I was laughing.  I also came to the conclusion that laughing makes up two of my strengths.  1.  I have a good sense of humor.  AND 2.  I am able to laugh at myself.  Those are both good qualities to have.

A third “positive affirmation” that I was able to come up with, is that I am good at making people feel good about themselves.  It truly makes me happy to watch someone grow and stand taller.  I need to spend more time thinking about how I do that and apply it to myself.

Before I go, I want to thank you all for your comments and messages, it really does help to know that I’m not alone here in the dark.

Will you hold the flashlight?

So Yeah, I’m in a really dark place right now…. I chuckle as I say that because I think it almost goes without saying if you have talked with me recently, or read anything that I have written in the last month or so.

So now what?  What’s next?  What’s the plan?  How do I fix this?

I’m gonna stay right here for a little while and just be.  I am going to let myself FEEL each emotion GOOD, BAD, or UGLY and NOT judge them.  I am also not going to give myself a time limit on this.

I have mentioned before that I don’t “do feelings” well.  When I ‘mention’ it though, I say it offhandedly or in a joking matter, as I immediately begin looking for the next task or chore I am supposed to complete. (anything that I can do to “get out of my head”)

Over the last couple months, I have tried eating, drinking too much, smoking more, taking xanax and sleeping as much as possible.  If you have tried these things you know that they don’t really help, and are a temporary fix at best.  In fact, usually as in my case, they cause more problems.

So for now, I’m done running.  I need to sit in the dark a bit and just be, without a time limit.  I am, however, asking for someone to ‘hold the flashlight’ as I let my eyes adjust to the darkness that I have let consume me.

As I get ready to hit enter, I am acknowledging that I feel Fear.  I also feel vulnerable, and kind of weak at the moment.  I know these feelings will pass, but they are there.