Damn Girl! Where’s your bottom?

That might just be the title for my new book! KIDDING!!!! Like I need another project in my life…smh

“Where’s your bottom?”, is however what a respected ‘friend’ said to me after I reached out to her last week. I was speechless. Not because I was offended, I don’t think, but I honestly started questioning myself. Have I hit rock bottom? What exactly is rock bottom? Is it a level you set for yourself? Does society dictate what rock bottom is?

I should probably go back and elaborate or provide more context about the original conversation. This person I reached out to is someone whose strength I admire, who’s stubbornness rivals my own, someone who has MS and is also a blogger. I reached out to her, because over the past year, I have seen bits and pieces of her life here and there on Facebook and she seemed to be doing really well, while I on the other hand…. HAVE NOT….

I have been struggling a lot. Treading water maybe? Maybe I was looking for a magic pill? I’m not sure. What I do know is that whatever the hell I have been doing has not been working. I have been sleeping 10-12 hours a day, waking up tired and wanting to go back to sleep. Once I have dragged my ass out of bed, I went through the motions of adulting, and parenting my parents, then I watched the clock waiting for it to signal that it was time to get away from it all again. In between waking and the relief of bedtime, I was just kind of “going through the motions”. I hated the sound of my phone ringing or texting…who the hell is that and what do they want from me?!?!? Not to mention the 20-40 spam likely calls that I get a day. So I was there, but not there.

I needed something to be happy about, even if it was just being happy that someone else is happy. I NEEDED to hear something positive. (I have been surrounded by toxic people and so much negativity lately that it almost killed me) So I reached out.

I loved hearing the happiness in her voice and the excitement as she told me some stories. I did need that, but then the topic shifted to me. She told me that she had seen some of what I have been going through the last year on Facebook, and thought, “Damn girl, where’s your bottom”? And I have been thinking about that phrase ever since.

Where’s your bottom?

I don’t know. I really don’t. Honestly, I don’t want to know.

There is no prize for how much shit can one person go through, although it does seem like it’s a contest I have been having with the world lately. Do you win, if you can fight another day?

The thing is, whether I have reached my bottom or not, I do know that I don’t like where I am. I guess the real question is, “What am I gonna do about it?”

Advertisement

I have a Job!

Before you read any further, close your eyes and imagine someone, ANYONE saying those words to you. “I have a job”.

Good for you? How do you respond to that? Yay?!?!? I mean seriously, why does the phrase, ” I have a job”, sound like an insult? Maybe I feel that way because I currently don’t have a job? It’s strange to me, because even when I did have a job, I don’t think I have EVER said, “I have a job”.

I am sure I have said, “I GOT A JOB!!!!”, after being unemployed for a while. I know that I have apologized to my friends and my children, that I couldn’t do something because I had to work. I’ve even talked about my job, but I honestly don’t believe that I have ever uttered the phrase, “I have a job”. To me, it’s offensive. Like, I have one and you don’t! Why would you ever go out of your way to point out to someone that you have something they don’t?

Of course there is more to this story than me being upset by a seemingly simple phrase, but it got me thinking…really thinking. I have had 3 people use that exact phrase to try to hurt me, and those words hit the mark EVERY. DAMN. TIME. How do you respond to that? Good for you?!? Are you trying to say that somehow that makes you better or more important that me?

In the end, I guess the words don’t really matter, it’s the intent. You are purposefully trying to hurt me, therefore, I no longer need to give you the time of day. For the record, the only job that really matters, is NOT BEING A DICK ( or in this case a Bitch)… you didn’t do that so well did you!

A Post a Day APAD Day 27 …I thought you left him

I thought you left him

Yes I did!!!

and then I went back…

.and then I left again….

you’ve heard the story before I’m sure.

It’s no lie that things got pretty bad between Einstein and I again toward the end of last year. Bad enough that I went back to MY HOUSE again. We took some time apart and both agreed that we have too much time, energy, and money invested in our relationship to permanently throw in the towel. Custody battles with Dogs are no more fun or less painful than the ones involving children. The last time I left was in February of 2018. The Elephant in the Room. While we did end up getting “back together” we each own our own house. We primarily live at his house and mine is the escape house since I rent half of it out to a “friend/roomate”.

After some time apart in December, we both agreed that there were things that we could both change. I’m not going to air our dirty laundry at this time. (Actually I think I have literally done that in the past.) Laundry blog here. But I will tell you one of the major changes. Einstein quit his job. He was absolutely miserable there, and I can understand why. I have encouraged him to quit for years. He finally did, with the promise he would bitch less and have more to give to us. I really hope that is the case. At the same time, I don’t want to be around anyone 24/7. I mean anyone! I am used to having the full run of the house for 8-10 hours a day if I want. These last couple of weeks with him home have been difficult, but they are necessary while he figures out his next path. I have absolutely NO DOUBT that this man CAN accomplish anything he puts his mind to, now its a matter of figuring out which direction that is going to be.

Have you ever heard the song, It’s What He didn’t do- by Carly Pearce? It’s not only very catchy, but I think it paints a good picture of where we ended last year. I am not holding my breathe, but I am not done yet.

Partial Lyrics to What He Didn’t Do- Carly Pearce

And I’ve got my side of the story and he’s got his side, too
So I ain’t gonna go and tell you what he did
But I’ll tell you what he didn’t do

Treat me right, put me first, be a man of his word
Stay home ’cause he wanted to
always fight for my love, hold on tight like it’s something
That he couldn’t stand to lose
The devil’s in the details, I won’t tell the hell that he put me through
All I know is in the end, it wasn’t what he did, no
It was what he didn’t do

I was searching for a “relationship help” book on Amazon. There are 1000’s. Can anyone recommend one? If not here, maybe message me? Thank you in advance.

Day One

Can you tell me why you are here?

Honestly, I’m not sure. I just knew that I couldn’t be THERE.

Are you safe?

You’re going to need to be more specific with that question. I mean at the moment I have absolutely no energy or emotion so a field mouse could kick my ass, but do I think that’s going to happen? No. So I guess I’m safe. Also, I don’t really have to go back, so I guess I am safe there too. The thing I am really struggling with is my own brain. I can not seem to get the would have, could have, and should have’s to stop.

How did you get here?

I drove.

Was that a good idea?


I will not claim that it was a good idea, but it was a better idea than me staying where I was.

Why did you leave?

Because I couldn’t answer the question, why should I stay?

Our Last conversation was:

You’re really leaving because I am playing a porn game?

Yes

Unbelievable!

No comment

When will you be bringing the dogs back?

I will drop them off on Tuesday.

Well why don’t you just wait until Thursday?!

Shrug/ Ok.

(It took me several trips to get this weeks things loaded into my car. Another couple to load the dogs, and the microwave dinner I had just finished nuking. But that was it. A few trips, no more words, no tears, no regrets. just a deep breath and a few steps.)

Why are you getting up? Where are you going?

  1. Because I don’t really know. and 2. Well, I guess the answer is kind of the same.

What’s next? I really don’t know.

I hit Einstein with the car

True story!

and not once but twice!!

I know it sounds terrible and it probably is, but now it is something we try to laugh about.  Maybe the story will make you fear me, but I truly hope you will chuckle instead, since no one was ever actually hurt.

Back in January, I talked about almost hitting Einstein with a car for the 3rd time.

Fortunately it never happened.  Well THAT time it didn’t happen, but on one occasion, almost 30 years ago, I intentionally hit him with a car.  That’s the only time I did it intentionally, but it was not my intention to kill him, or even hurt him seriously, it was to make him go away and to stop hurting me.  Other than to say there was alcohol, bad decisions, and police involved, I’m going to leave that story there.

Several years later, when I dropped our then teenage daughter off with him for visitation, she was wearing a bright red Tshirt, like the one pictured above.  I found it funny, he didn’t.

Several more years later, the three of us were looking through Thing One’s old photo albums and found a picture of her wearing said Tshirt.  Neither of us laughed at that point.  Actually we both got quiet, quiet enough that Thing One gave us a questioning look for an explanation.  We revisited that bad time with her briefly reminding her that good people make bad decisions, and that we had both changed and had many regrets from our past.  She shrugged it off, because she fortunately had never been witness to that part of our lives.

Maybe seven? years ago, Einstein had to take his car into Discount Tire, and asked me to meet him there to pick him up.  This was the “alleged” or 2nd time I “hit him” w/the car.

sherwin drawing

When I pulled into the cul-de-sac ( my path in blue) Einstein walked from the store to stand approximately where the red X is.  As he was walking out, I continued past him and did a U-turn in the culdesac.  Before I stopped completely, HE WALKED into the front of my car.  He says I ran into him, I say he walked into the car.  (Contact was at Two miles an hour and bumper to pant leg…not even touching skin).  We both stopped dead in our tracks and stared at each other.  What the hell just happened?!??! 

“Why did you keep walking?”, I shouted.

“Why didn’t you stop sooner?”, he retorted.

I don’t think either one of us said anything for many minutes.

My phone started ringing and I answered over the Bluetooth in my car.  It was our daughter, Thing One.  Before she could say anything, I said, ” OMG, Thing ONE, I just hit your dad with the car”.  Her response was………wait for it…… “again?!?!?”  Einstein exclaimed, “Seriously kiddo, that’s all I get?  Not a is Dad ok? Why did you do it?!?!?, really just AGAIN?!?!?”  She laughed and said, “Well you know how mom drives, and if she did actually hit you, you probably deserved it”.

Please be chuckling at this part!!!!

I know that it’s not a FUNNY story, but it is true.

At the beginning of this post, I said that I ALMOST hit him for a third time.  Here is another picture.

parking drawing

So back in January, Einstein needed to do some work on his car, that he kept putting off, because he had my car to use as a back up, or me to drive him to and from work.

Usually, I got there 15 minutes before he got off work and sat in the parking lot waiting, but as I explained in my earlier post, MScog fog,slump week, and grieving, I had overslept.

When I arrived in the parking lot, (again me in blue and Einstein in Red) we both just stopped.  Neither one of us moved for a few moments, until I moved the car along the green path and parked.

This time when he got in the car, we both said, “It really shouldn’t be this hard.”

The following month I moved out.

At the time I moved out, I foolishly thought that would be the end of US…whatever US was.  At the end of the post I wrote in February, The Elephant in the room, I stated, “Can I please get off this roller coaster now?”

Moving out was the best thing I could have done.  It did allow me to get off that particular roller coaster of emotions and start focusing on myself.  But I didn’t leave the “theme park” entirely.  Our daughter’s wedding, the upcoming birth of our grandchildren, the death of Einstein’s best friend, and many other things have brought us together again repeatedly, with the most recent being my needing help after my surgery.

Why am I writing about this?    For many reasons.

A couple weeks ago, I wrote that it had been almost a year since I started blogging.  I decided to take this time to reflect on how I survived last year, which areas I needed to improve on, and what goals I wanted to accomplish in the upcoming year.  Einstein has been a big factor of my life for many years.

Living apart has been beneficial to us both.  We no longer rely on or depend on each other.  When we choose to spend time together, it is because we choose to, not because we have to.  I am comfortable with that.

I really feels good to say I am comfortable.  I am not looking at the future with or without him, I am just letting things be and for us, for me… THAT is progress.  I am focusing on me.  Focusing on improving my health both mentally and physically, FOR ME!

As I have spent the last couple of week rereading posts, one thing that continually proves itself is that I have found a wonderfully supportive group of friends in the blogging world and words alone can not convey my gratitude.  In fact, if you have another minute I want those of you that have stuck around and keep coming back to know… You are one of the “resources” that keeps me going.   THANK YOU!!!!

( Remember this part in the upcoming weeks)