Will I ever learn?

Will I ever learn patience or to slow down?

Nope, probably not.  (Hey don’t shoot me, I’m being honest here)  My whole life I have struggled with patience, and I have always been “in a hurry”.  When My MS is at it’s worst though, my body won’t allow me to be impatient or in a hurry, and when I  try to, I get hurt.

Yes I got hurt again 😦

I got hurt, but I’m not dead.  I will explain what happened in just a moment, and you can even “yell” at me if you think it will help, but first let me explain, well try to explain why I did it.

So I wrote the other day that a trailer “fell into my lap”.  I had help for a couple hours, I moved what I set out to do and that’s all I was going to do.  My dad told me that since he thought he was having surgery the trailer was free for a couple weeks, and I might as well  have the kids drop it at Einstein’s since he wouldn’t be using it.  (That way I could take a “slow and steady approach” to loading it.)  Thing 2 and her boyfriend “D” dropped the trailer off in Einstein’s driveway for me, when they were done moving the bikes.

Just because I am proud of my daughter I took a video of her backing the trailer in.  This is funny to me because “D” doesn’t “trust her” to drive HIS Truck, but knows she is better at backing up a trailer than he is….That’s MY GIRL!!!!   but I digress….

BUT THEN….

The temperature changed, not just the outside weather temperature, but the temperature in Einstein’s house wasn’t as frigid.   I will write more about that another time and in another place, ( I think a new blog is coming ) but the verbal knives weren’t flying anymore and I started “getting cold feet” about leaving, so I HAD TO GO.

Einstein had been complaining about where the trailer was parked, and had even tried to move it by hand….  I did not say out loud “THAT”S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN”….but it did inspire me to make a call….

There was help available. A young man that I had friended a year or two ago while I was taking classes, was willing to help me move.  We will call him “J”. (He said, “Hell I’ve got a truck, trailer, and plenty of friends”)  just pick a day.  That’s something that I would say, not something I am used to hearing so….ok “How about NOW?” came out of my mouth.

and that’s how it all began……

When you have help you take it!!!!  “BUT don’t you EVER take help without working your ass off just as hard as the person who is giving you help!!!!”  This one I think was literally beat into my ass as a kid, so no way is it going away anytime soon.

Einstein was NOT happy that I was having a “DATE” (as he called it ) over to help me move, so it was only “J” and no friends.  Einstein moved most of my furniture to the doorway in preparation.  (Did I mention a new blog coming soon?….when I don’t live in HIS house)

20180225_101320

So the trailer was quickly loaded, and my car was filled, and off I went.  Almost all of my furniture that can not be strategically shoved in my car has been “deposited” in my new place.  (Of course it wasn’t until I had set up my big comfy couch that I realized there is no electricity run to the wall of the west side of the “living room”)  But that is another story for a different day.

So what did I do?

I worked my ass off!!!!….and then some….I THOUGHT I broke my foot again.  I remember the doctor saying, “this is going to hurt a bit”, as he stuck a needle in my foot.  There was quite a bit of pain.  (enough to make me vomit and then pass out)  His orders were keep it elevated and iced all day.  Back in the boot or use your wheelchair for one week…and of course take these drugs.  I give in, not up, but I give in…for now.

The “moral” of the story is I did what needed to be done and now my body says IT’S done.  I didn’t PURPOSELY over do it or rush.  It’s so hard not to “overdo it” when you ARE feeling well, considering you KNOW that the “NOT feeling well” is just around the corner.

A Trailer “fell in my lap”

Ok not literally, but YAH I have a “Free trailer”

I have mentioned before that I grew up “in the sticks”, and I have also alluded to the fact that I was kind of raised as a tom boy.  I know how to drive a tractor, trailer, dirt bikes, 3 wheelers, and even a skid loader.  My father owns many of these items, but in his “old age” I think he has “forgotten” how to use them.  I am being very sarcastic here, because he still uses them all the time, except for in the winter.  For some silly reason, he no longer takes his truck off road, he barely takes it out in the winter for fear of rust….SMH (more sarcasm) AND when he bought his newest truck, he bought one with only a 6 foot bed.  real truck

(The guy who raised me telling me that if you couldn’t fit a full sheet of drywall or plywood in the back of a truck it wasn’t a REAL Truck, bought a truck with a 6 foot bed!!!!!!!!) SMH  He even owns two plows, but doesn’t drive his “new baby” in the winter?!?!??!?!

Figuring I still had a few more weeks of winter before I had access to a truck and trailer, and the ‘silly doctor’s’ “don’t lift 15 lbs for 2 weeks limit” I’d been packing a little here and a little there to try to respect the doctor’s restriction, so I had stacks and stacks of rubbermaid totes all over Einstein’s house. ( a few in this room and a few in that room)  but then a trailer “fell in my lap”….how could I resist?!?!?

Thing two and her boyfriend “D” were using D’s truck with my father’s trailer to move a couple motorcycles and I “conned” D into giving me a couple hours of his time in exchange for homemade lasagna.  The ‘Catch’ was, I only had the trailer and D’s help for a couple hours…. hurry hurry hurry.

OK PRIORITIZE, what goes first?

  • Air mattress already set up at the new place…so don’t worry about the bed
  • You’ve got some clothes and essentials there so don’t bother with more ( besides they will fit in your car)
  • The most important non negotiable material things that I need a trailer for are my Grandma’s kitchen table and my desk  (both had to be disassembled though)  So I decided to start there.  I went into the office…and froze… OMG this is real.

Anxiety Can Paralyze You

I immediately started having doubts.  “Were things really that bad here?”  “So much work, for so many years….shouldn’t I try harder?” It didn’t help that Einstein has been the man I fell in love with for the last couple weeks since I said I was moving, he even tried to take care of me post surgery and cooked me dinner?!??! (ftr this has NEVER happened) He helped me with a 3 d printer design and and and….. oh no….NOT AGAIN….. You’ve got this Grace.  So I froze. and then I stopped breathing….wtf?!?!?  I was just about to walk out of the office making excuses that I should follow doctors orders blah blah blah and then not one but two familiar faces popped up on messenger….”Just checking on you grace.”  Suddenly I could breathe again. (This anxiety shit really is no joke.)

The Therapeutic Power of Music

I selected random play for the music on my phone and Kesha “Praying” came on.  (  I am in no way religious, although maybe it would be helpful if I was, I am not.  It doesn’t change the fact that the song is incredible and something I will continue to listen to)  If you have a second, the link is for her official video, and for me it hits home.  The next song was “New Rules” by Dua Lipa, followed by “Not meant to be” by Theory of a Deadman.  Before I knew it the desk was not only disassembled, but I had dragged it out of the “office” to the front door.  I set up a card table where the desk used to be and reconnected my computer.  The legs were removed from my Grandma’s table ( I couldn’t dream of moving that by myself though, WAY TOO HEAVY)  But I did it!

One Step at a Time

 

 

Plan for the worst, hope for the best

Last week, as I was planning for the rough road ahead, I wrote and scheduled several blog posts in between packing.  ( I really do have a lot of shit…smh)

I  believe in planning for the worst while hoping or planning for the best.  ( I assumed I will be too emotional and busy packing to focus on keeping up with my blog and maybe too drugged from surgery)  So, tomorrow I have a video post coming out about Advice for those newly diagnosed with ms and a video about how I was diagnosed with MS (previously recorded of course).  I have asked a few fellow bloggers to add their advice and stories as well in the form of guest posts during the following week.

The bloggers I have included have been more than inspirational to me during this “rough time” WHILE still dealing with their own MS issues.  Please come back and check out their posts, and if you have time their blogs as well.  If you know anyone that has MS or another chronic illness, these guys are GREAT sounding boards and examples of how to make it day to day with MS.

Let me repeat, I AM NOT LEAVING THE BLOGGING world, I just don’t want to set myself up for failure or lose any progress I have made scheduling posts etc.  I have met so many wonderful people here in the blogging world (one positive addiction) that I know I will  be checking and responding to comments.

AND…. On the positive side, Thing 1 is getting married on March 10th, family is coming in from out of town, my Boston Trip is coming up…busy busy busy 🙂

Please check out my post and videos that are coming out tomorrow, and if we aren’t able to “Catch up” ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND!!!!!

MS Cog Fog, Slump Week, and Grieving

2 coffee makers

Have you ever had a night out drinking and then next morning “replayed” the events from the previous evening in your head? You try to fit the pieces and events together but you know you are missing parts…Everything is a little blurry…. I am doing that now, but not because I was drinking…. I wasn’t.  No xanax, or other mind numbing medications.  But the “blur” is there.

I don’t know which one is to blame, or if its a combination of all three, but I can tell you it was rough, and maybe a little dangerous.  That was yesterday, I’m hoping that I am better prepared for it today.  I have identified the problem, now I want to ‘laugh’ at it and try to prepare for today a little better. (plan for the worst, hope for the best?)

My new coffee makers ( yes two of them) arrived yesterday, and as I sit here drinking my 3rd espresso, I would like to review yesterdays events.  YAH COFFEE!!!! but more about that later.

I remember being woken up at 5 am to take Einstein to work.  I know that I walked on the treadmill at some point.  I remember thinking no workout today because my arms and abs still hurt from the abuse I had given them the day before.  (I think I only ‘remember’ that because they still hurt today….doh!)  I also know that I was on wordpress and facebook a bit, because the notifications and time stamps tell me that I was.  (I honestly don’t remember though)  Did I mention I wasn’t drinking?!?!?
I went to Aldi’s yesterday to buy eggs.  Only eggs.  This I do remember because I had a long discussion with myself that I didn’t need to use a cart for balance, I was only getting one thing and I COULD do this!… I make it to the back of the store, grabbed two dozen eggs, cradled them in my arm like a baby, and made my way to the checkout where I just stood.  I never put the eggs on the belt.  I stood there having the meaningless conversation with the cashier, “Hi, how are you?” etc.  The problem is I stood there for 5 mins, just holding the eggs.  “Oh Shit, I should probably give these to you huh?” I asked.  He smiled and said, “Nope I got you, $2.12.”  I remember that too.  I remember the price of the eggs, but I don’t remember driving home, putting them away etc.

At One O’clock this heavy cloud/weight settled on me.  I felt like I was going to pass out.  Not because I couldn’t breathe panic attack style.  I just couldn’t….. anything.  Well that sucks… I needed to pick Einstein up from work in a couple hours.  MORE COFFEE!!!! Fold the laundry? Somehow you must stay vertical!!!!  Yeah that didn’t happen.  I passed out, sitting up folding laundry.  I woke up 2 hours later to the sound of the 4th call from Einstein….”Did you forget me?!?!?”

OMG!!!!  YES I did!, I mean NO!…oh shit…. Sorry, I fell asleep…… I’m coming!!! I went to the bathroom, tripped over the coffee table, put my shoes on and ran out the door.  ARGH… I don’t take naps, I am NEVER late, in fact, if I am not 15 minutes early people begin to worry……smh

While I didn’t HURT myself or anyone else yesterday, I wasn’t there.  (Although, I did almost hit Einstein with my car for the 3rd time in his life.)  Yes I did just say that I hit him with my car 2 times, once WAS intentional the other I claim is his fault.  ( If you remind me, I will tell you about it in a couple weeks, it’s not a horror story, and it’s something we all laugh about, NOW)

So TODAY, I am prepared for the worst.  Einstein took my car to work, so I don’t have to leave the house until visitation tonight.  My only plan is enjoy my new coffee maker, and just be.  I am giving myself the gift of no expectations until this evening.  When all I have to do is show up.  My girls are going to the funeral home with me.  My parents are meeting us for dinner afterwards, and then I am coming home.  No lists today!

Tomorrow, or next week, or even a week after that ( Yah Tysabri on the First) I will make another to do list, but for now, for today…. I will just be…..

While I am here though, I want to thank everyone for letting me share my pain and memory with you the other day.  Thank you for your presence, support, and kind words!!!!

 

 

 

Pushing my buttons…. battle of the sexes

OMG, I don’t even know where to start!!!!!!  Have you ever had a “battle, argument, disagreement or whatever” with someone that started as a somewhat serious issue, but just turned into the most laughable, ignorant thing ever.   I am having so much trouble finding the words…… but Einstein has done it again…...DAMN BUTTON PUSHER!!!!

Ok So here’s the thing…. I am very very organized and have OCD about the cleanliness of my house….. most importantly things NOT being left on the floor.  I can, and frequently do, trip on air, and have broken many bones from falling etc.  ( to be honest though, I have probably always been OCD)  Either way, I hate things on the floor!!!!!

Einstein has an issue with ….you guessed it leaving things on the floor….most notably his laundry.  I have two hampers set up in our bedroom, the black one for his work clothes and the white one for everything else.  They are both right outside the bathroom, with absolutely no obstacles in their way.  So why can’t he hit the fucking thing?!??!!  There is not just one but TWO of them!!!!!  20180107_125708

Silly me thinking maybe he hadn’t been taught how to use a hamper in his lifetime, even made signs for the hampers.  I gave him a two minute instructional lecture on how to take off dirty clothes and place them in the hamper.  I have attempted to show him how easy it is to drop wet towels from his shower right into the basket.  NOTHING WORKS!!!!  Einstein is not ignorant in away way.  If nothing else, the fact that he is so successful at work, proves this.  SO Why the hell can’t he hit the hamper?!?!?

Ok, we are getting older, maybe his eyesight is starting to fail.  Maybe the fact that he has too many choices is overwhelming for him.  So I took ONE HAMPER and put it RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR BEDROOM thinking “he can’t miss this”….  I come home to this…..

laundry goes inside the hamper
Laundry goes INSIDE the hamper

are you fricking kidding me?!?!??!  He took the time to lay his pants on one side, his tshirts on another and so on and so on.  ( I staged this picture, because I can’t find the original one from maybe 3 years ago)…. Yes 3 years ago!!!!  We are still having this battle!!!!!

I have tried not washing his clothes if he doesn’t hit the hamper.  ( apparently the smells from the chemicals he gets on his clothing bother me more than him though)  I have tried hamper relocation, purchasing multiple hampers etc. and am now at my wits end.  Last week after actually falling on his clothes,  I “snapped”.  I took blue painters tape, and outlined the “common areas” of our bedroom.  I told him, “If you insist on leaving your clothes on the floor, do it outside of the COMMON AREAS.  The common area is now outlined to help make this clear for you.”…… The tape is making him nuts, but he still can’t hit the hamper.  (to be honest it is kind of making me nuts too, but I really don’t know what else to do)… a bit of passive aggressiveness here….  This is what the bedroom floor looks like this morning……..20180107_125613

So now I guess I wait?   I told him that I was going to make a blog post about this.  Maybe he thinks no one will read it.  Maybe he thinks everyone will just think I am crazy?  I don’t know, but there it is….Evidence to be used against me for when I finally lose it?  To all the woman out there…… help?

….to all the guys……. Is this a guy thing?

to all the doctors (psychiatrists) ……..why does he push my buttons

and more importantly why do I let him?!?!??!

This blog is MEANT to be funny.  I can’t very well dispose of his body now that I have shared this story with the world, (and I have removed the “body” I outlined on the floor in tape) but maybe I can Push his buttons a bit, by showing him that I did indeed make a blog about this and people actually read it?  Please like this, comment, share etc.  at the very least smile and know that there is someone out there more messed up than you 😛