I woke up this morning feeling, I would like to call it “recharged”, but it is better than that, and I really can’t find a word to “define” it. Liberated? Free? Optimistic?….I guess the definition doesn’t really matter, but the feeling is INCREDIBLE.
Today, I was “supposed” to run electricity with my dad, but the weather changed our plans. As I reached for my “to do list” to fill up my day, a thought hit me. I really LIKE this feeling. Instead of rushing to fill the “free time” with some other task, I decided to do nothing, just for a minute…. Did I mention I like this feeling??!?!? I still don’t have a word for it, but I really like it.
Those damn feelings of CO-Dependency kept trying to creep in. Someone, somewhere must need something. I am positive that I am forgetting something for the wedding, maybe I should start packing now, so I can recheck it 50x before we leave Friday morning? STOP IT GRACE!!!
I looked at the calendar, everything is right on or ahead of schedule. How the hell did that happen? The last two? three? weeks are kind of a blur.
Okay so how did I get here?
I reread some of last weeks blog posts. Oh yeah, I kind of remember doing that…. maybe? I’ve been living on auto- pilot. I have been “going through the motions” and not letting myself FEEL anything.
Yesterday, when I arrived at the hospital for my Tysabri infusion, the nurses kept asking me if I was ok. “Are you sure, you’re ok?” I replied, “Yes, I’m good, just overdue for this infusion and I’m really tired.” and then they asked again…”Grace, are you going to be able to drive home after this?” I responded, “I’m not driving, I promise…my parents will be here in a little bit.”…. one more time….”Are you sure?”….. uh huh…..and I was out.
I woke up to my dad’s voice in the hallway calling out my name to see which room I was in. The minute, I saw their faces, tears came pouring out of my eyes. What the hell is this, why was I crying? It didn’t really matter, it’s not like I could stop the tears anyway. So I just let them flow.
I don’t remember anything else from yesterday. I know my parents brought me home. I know I ate at some point etc etc. and I slept. I really slept. I still don’t have the adjective to describe this feeling and I am going to let that be ok.
In the past two hours that I have been sitting here, drinking coffee and reflecting I have “learned” some thing about myself.
I can “handle” physical pain, but I do everything in my power to run from emotional pain, in fact, I think I have done this my entire life. I stay busy all the time. I go out of my way to try to make people feel better all the time, because I can’t handle tears. I can’t handle watching someone who is grieving suffer. I literally would rather go to the dentist, get shot, jump off a cliff, you name it, than to FEEL emotional pain.
My first thought, was “that’s just pathetic”. But then I asked myself, “Why?”. Who says it’s pathetic? Seriously, who’s voice is that judging and belittling me? The voice was my own. There is no one to blame. It’s that VERY FRICKING LOUD “little voice”, in my own head trying to sabotage myself. When I type it out in black and white, it looks just plain silly.
Ok, so I have some work to do on myself. (But not today). Today I am going to just be. I am not “planning for tomorrow”, or “thinking about yesterday.” Today, I am just going to be.