If you have nothing nice to say….

My parents taught me at a very young age, if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.  (I may still have the handprints on my face or belt marks on my ass to prove it.)  Although, I don’t necessarily agree with the methods used to teach me this, I do think that it is a very important lesson to have learned.

Lately, I haven’t had anything nice to say….so I haven’t said anything.  This isn’t to say that my life is terrible, but to be honest, I don’t even like being with myself lately …..so I say nothing.  I don’t like that I am getting angry over small things, and more importantly I don’t like that I don’t understand why I’m upset.

A friend said to me today, “Are you ok Grace? I’m worried about you.”  My response was “No I’m not, but I will be.”.  I KNOW that I will be.  I don’t know when, but I will get through this slump whatever it is, just like I have 100x before.

For those of you that use music to relate or express your emotions….the song Downtime by Jo Dee Messina kind of sums up what I am feeling at the moment.  If you listen to it let me know what you think.  How do you handle those days when you’ve got nothing nice to say?

 

 

How did I get here?

I woke up this morning feeling,  I would like to call it “recharged”, but it is better than that, and I really can’t find a word to “define” it.  Liberated? Free? Optimistic?….I guess the definition doesn’t really matter, but the feeling is INCREDIBLE.

Today, I was “supposed” to run electricity with my dad, but the weather changed our plans.  As I reached for my “to do list” to fill up my day, a thought hit me.  I really LIKE this feeling.  Instead of rushing to fill the “free time” with some other task, I decided to do nothing, just for a minute…. Did I mention I like this feeling??!?!?  I still don’t have a word for it, but I really like it.

codependentyThose damn feelings of CO-Dependency kept trying to creep in.  Someone, somewhere must need something.  I am positive that I am forgetting something for the wedding, maybe I should start packing now, so I can recheck it 50x before we leave Friday morning?           STOP IT GRACE!!!

I looked at the calendar, everything is right on or ahead of schedule.  How the hell did that happen?  The last two? three? weeks are kind of a blur.

Okay so how did I get here?

I reread some of last weeks blog posts.  Oh yeah, I kind of remember doing that…. maybe?  I’ve been living on auto- pilot.  I have been “going through the motions” and not letting myself FEEL anything.

Yesterday, when I arrived at the hospital for my Tysabri infusion, the nurses kept asking me if I was ok.  “Are you sure, you’re ok?”  I replied, “Yes, I’m good, just overdue for this infusion and I’m really tired.”  and then they asked again…”Grace, are you going to be able to drive home after this?” I responded, “I’m not driving, I promise…my parents will be here in a little bit.”…. one more time….”Are you sure?”….. uh huh…..and I was out.

I woke up to my dad’s voice in the hallway calling out my name to see which room I was in.  The minute, I saw their faces, tears came pouring out of my eyes.  What the hell is this,  why was I crying?  It didn’t really matter, it’s not like I could stop the tears anyway.  So I just let them flow.

I don’t remember anything else from yesterday.  I know my parents brought me home.  I know I ate at some point etc etc.  and I slept.  I really slept.  I still don’t have the adjective to describe this feeling and I am going to let that be ok.

In the past two hours that I have been sitting here, drinking coffee and reflecting I have “learned” some thing about myself.

I can “handle” physical pain, but I do everything in my power to run from emotional pain, in fact,  I think I have done this my entire life.  I stay busy all the time.  I go out of my way to try to make people feel better all the time, because I can’t handle tears.  I can’t handle watching someone who is grieving suffer.  I literally would rather go to the dentist, get shot, jump off a cliff, you name it, than to FEEL emotional pain.

My first thought, was “that’s just pathetic”.  But then I asked myself, “Why?”.  Who says it’s pathetic?  Seriously, who’s voice is that judging and belittling me?  The voice was my own.  There is no one to blame.  It’s that VERY FRICKING LOUD “little voice”, in my own head trying to sabotage myself.  When I type it out in black and white, it looks just plain silly.

Ok, so I have some work to do on myself.  (But not today).  Today I am going to just be.  I am not “planning for tomorrow”, or “thinking about yesterday.”  Today, I am just going to be.

 

 

 

 

Will I ever learn?

Will I ever learn patience or to slow down?

Nope, probably not.  (Hey don’t shoot me, I’m being honest here)  My whole life I have struggled with patience, and I have always been “in a hurry”.  When My MS is at it’s worst though, my body won’t allow me to be impatient or in a hurry, and when I  try to, I get hurt.

Yes I got hurt again 😦

I got hurt, but I’m not dead.  I will explain what happened in just a moment, and you can even “yell” at me if you think it will help, but first let me explain, well try to explain why I did it.

So I wrote the other day that a trailer “fell into my lap”.  I had help for a couple hours, I moved what I set out to do and that’s all I was going to do.  My dad told me that since he thought he was having surgery the trailer was free for a couple weeks, and I might as well  have the kids drop it at Einstein’s since he wouldn’t be using it.  (That way I could take a “slow and steady approach” to loading it.)  Thing 2 and her boyfriend “D” dropped the trailer off in Einstein’s driveway for me, when they were done moving the bikes.

Just because I am proud of my daughter I took a video of her backing the trailer in.  This is funny to me because “D” doesn’t “trust her” to drive HIS Truck, but knows she is better at backing up a trailer than he is….That’s MY GIRL!!!!   but I digress….

BUT THEN….

The temperature changed, not just the outside weather temperature, but the temperature in Einstein’s house wasn’t as frigid.   I will write more about that another time and in another place, ( I think a new blog is coming ) but the verbal knives weren’t flying anymore and I started “getting cold feet” about leaving, so I HAD TO GO.

Einstein had been complaining about where the trailer was parked, and had even tried to move it by hand….  I did not say out loud “THAT”S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN”….but it did inspire me to make a call….

There was help available. A young man that I had friended a year or two ago while I was taking classes, was willing to help me move.  We will call him “J”. (He said, “Hell I’ve got a truck, trailer, and plenty of friends”)  just pick a day.  That’s something that I would say, not something I am used to hearing so….ok “How about NOW?” came out of my mouth.

and that’s how it all began……

When you have help you take it!!!!  “BUT don’t you EVER take help without working your ass off just as hard as the person who is giving you help!!!!”  This one I think was literally beat into my ass as a kid, so no way is it going away anytime soon.

Einstein was NOT happy that I was having a “DATE” (as he called it ) over to help me move, so it was only “J” and no friends.  Einstein moved most of my furniture to the doorway in preparation.  (Did I mention a new blog coming soon?….when I don’t live in HIS house)

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So the trailer was quickly loaded, and my car was filled, and off I went.  Almost all of my furniture that can not be strategically shoved in my car has been “deposited” in my new place.  (Of course it wasn’t until I had set up my big comfy couch that I realized there is no electricity run to the wall of the west side of the “living room”)  But that is another story for a different day.

So what did I do?

I worked my ass off!!!!….and then some….I THOUGHT I broke my foot again.  I remember the doctor saying, “this is going to hurt a bit”, as he stuck a needle in my foot.  There was quite a bit of pain.  (enough to make me vomit and then pass out)  His orders were keep it elevated and iced all day.  Back in the boot or use your wheelchair for one week…and of course take these drugs.  I give in, not up, but I give in…for now.

The “moral” of the story is I did what needed to be done and now my body says IT’S done.  I didn’t PURPOSELY over do it or rush.  It’s so hard not to “overdo it” when you ARE feeling well, considering you KNOW that the “NOT feeling well” is just around the corner.

A Trailer “fell in my lap”

Ok not literally, but YAH I have a “Free trailer”

I have mentioned before that I grew up “in the sticks”, and I have also alluded to the fact that I was kind of raised as a tom boy.  I know how to drive a tractor, trailer, dirt bikes, 3 wheelers, and even a skid loader.  My father owns many of these items, but in his “old age” I think he has “forgotten” how to use them.  I am being very sarcastic here, because he still uses them all the time, except for in the winter.  For some silly reason, he no longer takes his truck off road, he barely takes it out in the winter for fear of rust….SMH (more sarcasm) AND when he bought his newest truck, he bought one with only a 6 foot bed.  real truck

(The guy who raised me telling me that if you couldn’t fit a full sheet of drywall or plywood in the back of a truck it wasn’t a REAL Truck, bought a truck with a 6 foot bed!!!!!!!!) SMH  He even owns two plows, but doesn’t drive his “new baby” in the winter?!?!??!?!

Figuring I still had a few more weeks of winter before I had access to a truck and trailer, and the ‘silly doctor’s’ “don’t lift 15 lbs for 2 weeks limit” I’d been packing a little here and a little there to try to respect the doctor’s restriction, so I had stacks and stacks of rubbermaid totes all over Einstein’s house. ( a few in this room and a few in that room)  but then a trailer “fell in my lap”….how could I resist?!?!?

Thing two and her boyfriend “D” were using D’s truck with my father’s trailer to move a couple motorcycles and I “conned” D into giving me a couple hours of his time in exchange for homemade lasagna.  The ‘Catch’ was, I only had the trailer and D’s help for a couple hours…. hurry hurry hurry.

OK PRIORITIZE, what goes first?

  • Air mattress already set up at the new place…so don’t worry about the bed
  • You’ve got some clothes and essentials there so don’t bother with more ( besides they will fit in your car)
  • The most important non negotiable material things that I need a trailer for are my Grandma’s kitchen table and my desk  (both had to be disassembled though)  So I decided to start there.  I went into the office…and froze… OMG this is real.

Anxiety Can Paralyze You

I immediately started having doubts.  “Were things really that bad here?”  “So much work, for so many years….shouldn’t I try harder?” It didn’t help that Einstein has been the man I fell in love with for the last couple weeks since I said I was moving, he even tried to take care of me post surgery and cooked me dinner?!??! (ftr this has NEVER happened) He helped me with a 3 d printer design and and and….. oh no….NOT AGAIN….. You’ve got this Grace.  So I froze. and then I stopped breathing….wtf?!?!?  I was just about to walk out of the office making excuses that I should follow doctors orders blah blah blah and then not one but two familiar faces popped up on messenger….”Just checking on you grace.”  Suddenly I could breathe again. (This anxiety shit really is no joke.)

The Therapeutic Power of Music

I selected random play for the music on my phone and Kesha “Praying” came on.  (  I am in no way religious, although maybe it would be helpful if I was, I am not.  It doesn’t change the fact that the song is incredible and something I will continue to listen to)  If you have a second, the link is for her official video, and for me it hits home.  The next song was “New Rules” by Dua Lipa, followed by “Not meant to be” by Theory of a Deadman.  Before I knew it the desk was not only disassembled, but I had dragged it out of the “office” to the front door.  I set up a card table where the desk used to be and reconnected my computer.  The legs were removed from my Grandma’s table ( I couldn’t dream of moving that by myself though, WAY TOO HEAVY)  But I did it!

One Step at a Time

 

 

Plan for the worst, hope for the best

Last week, as I was planning for the rough road ahead, I wrote and scheduled several blog posts in between packing.  ( I really do have a lot of shit…smh)

I  believe in planning for the worst while hoping or planning for the best.  ( I assumed I will be too emotional and busy packing to focus on keeping up with my blog and maybe too drugged from surgery)  So, tomorrow I have a video post coming out about Advice for those newly diagnosed with ms and a video about how I was diagnosed with MS (previously recorded of course).  I have asked a few fellow bloggers to add their advice and stories as well in the form of guest posts during the following week.

The bloggers I have included have been more than inspirational to me during this “rough time” WHILE still dealing with their own MS issues.  Please come back and check out their posts, and if you have time their blogs as well.  If you know anyone that has MS or another chronic illness, these guys are GREAT sounding boards and examples of how to make it day to day with MS.

Let me repeat, I AM NOT LEAVING THE BLOGGING world, I just don’t want to set myself up for failure or lose any progress I have made scheduling posts etc.  I have met so many wonderful people here in the blogging world (one positive addiction) that I know I will  be checking and responding to comments.

AND…. On the positive side, Thing 1 is getting married on March 10th, family is coming in from out of town, my Boston Trip is coming up…busy busy busy 🙂

Please check out my post and videos that are coming out tomorrow, and if we aren’t able to “Catch up” ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND!!!!!