Please tell me “It’s OK to be NOT OKAY”

I’m going through something right now that I find very hard to explain, and I don’t understand why it’s happening to me.  So I’m telling myself that it is OK to not be “OK” while I work on figuring it out.  I don’t know if there is a clinical term for it, and to be honest I don’t want another label.  I just really want it to be OK.

Over the last few months, I have developed a few “obsessions” for lack of a better word, and I am overthinking everything.

I NEED the people in my life (this seems to include EVERYONE that has shown me ANY form of kindness) to know that I appreciate them.

Some examples:

I have a very difficult time walking.  Someone takes the time to not only hold the door for me, but waits for me to drag myself through it.  I want to kiss them, hug them, buy them coffee to THANK THEM for their kindness.  (I usually only smile and say thank you for fear that they will call the white coats to have me committed if I showed any more gratitude.)

The other day I read a blog post that I thought was very motivational and included some great advice for me.  I wanted to share it with everyone, because maybe it was the “magic answer”.  Then I got worried that she would think I was “stealing her stuff” if I shared it, so I had to message her and ask if it was ok and how to share it without stealing her words.  I worry that she thinks I am the biggest nut case out there, because I’m sure I over-thanked her for her kindness.

Another blogger shared some tips with me about backing up my wordpress site, and I wanted to “repay” the kindness so I offered to like her blog, instagram, twitter, and anything else I could do to say thank you and maybe drive some traffic her way.  Then I worried, I must appear like a stalker and felt the need to explain myself.

Yes, I realize that logically a simple “thank you” should be enough, but for some reason right now it isn’t.

“They” say the first step in dealing with a problem, is realizing that you have a problem.  I get it, ok, so what exactly is the problem.  I’m too nice?  I care too much? I’m obsessive? I want to be a good person.  I am having trouble identifying just one problem.  And I have  even less of a clue on how to fix it/them.

Then I worry that people think, “seriously, you call that a problem?”  I realize there are much bigger problems in the world, and I should be grateful that this is currently my biggest problem.  But it is consuming me.  I am literally getting migraines from overthinking.  I can feel myself causing my MS to flare and I need to stop worrying and obsessing.

I still can’t identify the actual problem.  Overthinking and being obsessive are only “symptoms”.

Other contributing factors:

  • My best friend just went through several major surgeries and I was unable to talk to or see him for almost a month (long story)
  • my oldest daughter is getting married, and while this is a great and healthy thing I feel like I am losing another best friend ( I was a single parent for most of her life and we have a gilmore girls kind of relationship)
  • my youngest daughter is super busy making her IMPRESSION on the world and quite honestly doesn’t have time for my “neediness” while she conquers mountains.  (she shouldn’t have to take care of her mother)
  • I am “single” but in a relationship (you know the on again off again kind)

Maybe that’s it.  Maybe I am searching for something, or someone while I try to find myself.  Did I mention I really don’t know WHAT my problem is?  I just know that I have one and I really really need to hear that “IT’S OK, TO NOT BE OK” while I figure it out.