A couple of weeks ago, I shared some admittedly pretty scary information with you in my post, “Are you prepared to Die“?
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking, reading, and otherwise researching what my next steps should be. While doing this, I have created two more quandaries for myself. The first being not knowing who or what to believe. People that claim to be specialists tout one thing, while other people claiming to be specialists tout the exact opposite. You also have your everyday ‘average people’, also equally divided, demanding with as much fervor as two rivals debating politics that they have the answer. (They must, they live with it everyday)????? I find that I am overwhelmed not only with all the information available, but also by verifying the ‘credentials’ of the sources.
I’m going to table this quandary for now because I honestly feel like I am playing Russian Roulette.
The other decision that is plaguing me is, “Am I prepared to live?” You’re probably thinking, “OF COURSE YOU ARE!!!” At first it seems like a no-brainer doesn’t it? Well duh, of course you want to live!!! But is it really that simple?
Let’s say your doctor tells you that in order to live you have to murder, and eat someone once a week. Apparently, the nutrients in another human would allow you to not only be disease free for a week, but they would return you to a more ‘youthful’ state with unlimited energy etc. While some people may feel that this would be acceptable to them, for me it’s a deal breaker. I would probably go so far as to purposely end my life to prevent some well meaning person from TRYING to save me.
I know that my example sounds extreme, but as a “professional addict” I assure you it’s not. Do you know that smoking can kill you? I still smoke. Being overweight can also kill you, yet I won’t turn down cheesecake. etc etc…In addition to taking away those vices, you should change the things you eat. Yes take away the things you enjoy, and ADD eating dirt (the food you most abhor) or only being allowed to eat something that someone else has chewed up and spit out.
I am purposefully being facetious because what one person finds an acceptable another would NEVER do, and I’m trying to make a point. DECIDING TO LIVE takes a lot of work. It requires many changes and some sacrifices. while at the same time knowing that you are going to die at some point anyway. Up the ante by adding the FACT that there is no guarantee these changes will help, they may even make you sicker.
But it worked for my neighbor’s sister’s third cousin once removed’s dog?!?!?!?
All sarcasm aside, I am beginning to accept the fact that in order to continue living, I have to make some serious changes in my life. None of them are appealing to me, but I find I’m not quite ready to die. I’m not prepared to swear to a course of action yet, but I have begun making changes. I reduced the number of cigarettes I smoke from more than a pack a day to 2 cigarettes a day. I have been tracking everything that goes into and out of my body. ( I promised no more sarcasm today so I will just leave that one alone for now) I have been investigating 4 MS drugs that I have been introduced since I began TYSABRI. To be honest, the side effects of all of them are scary as hell so discontinuing any disease modifying treatment is also on the table.
It’s very dangerous for me to “get all lost in my mind”, so if you are willing please take a minute to share something you have struggled with or are struggling with and how you are working to overcome it. It helps so much to know that we are not alone.