Lately, I’ve been wearing a mask

As I began writing this, the original title was “I’m a hypocrite”, and something like I feel like a fraud.

The last couple of weeks have been hell!

For those of you that “know me” thank you for being understanding when I didn’t feel like talking.  Every time I opened my mouth, toxic shit came out of it.  When I tried NOT to open my mouth, I gave myself a migraine and had pain everywhere.

vicious circleThis is a vicious circle because after I say something mean or bitchy, then I have to apologize for being a bitch.  (Trust me I have to apologize, because it makes me feel like  a complete asshole when I can’t control my mouth or  my attitude.  Then,  I am so guilt ridden and and and. you get the point right?)

What do you mean last week was hell?

You posted multiple times last week, and they were all “silly” posts.  (Yah for the hidden power of scheduling your posts ahead of time)  To tell the truth, I spent most of the week crying, sleeping, or wanting to sleep.  When I woke up in the morning, if I had managed to sleep through the night, my body was on fire.  I had a migraine every single day, all day.

Saying “I’m fine” when you really are not

Instead of reaching out for a shoulder, I gave the typical “I’m fine” response.  I tried to make jokes, I tried to deflect.  I KNOW this is the WRONG way to deal, but it’s what I did.  Now I feel like a “fraud.”  ( I truly didn’t TRY to deceive, the posts were previously scheduled)  Many of you know that I’ve had a recent and tragic death in the family.  The grief was further exacerbated because I was going through slump week for my Tysabri infusion.

What I haven’t talked about is The Elephant in the Room.  After 30 years, I believe the Grace and Einstein roller coaster is out of commission and it’s hard, really fucking hard.  I am working on a piece called, The elephant in the room that may shed a bit of light on the REAL all time consuming issue in my life.