MS Cog Fog, Slump Week, and Grieving

2 coffee makers

Have you ever had a night out drinking and then next morning “replayed” the events from the previous evening in your head? You try to fit the pieces and events together but you know you are missing parts…Everything is a little blurry…. I am doing that now, but not because I was drinking…. I wasn’t.  No xanax, or other mind numbing medications.  But the “blur” is there.

I don’t know which one is to blame, or if its a combination of all three, but I can tell you it was rough, and maybe a little dangerous.  That was yesterday, I’m hoping that I am better prepared for it today.  I have identified the problem, now I want to ‘laugh’ at it and try to prepare for today a little better. (plan for the worst, hope for the best?)

My new coffee makers ( yes two of them) arrived yesterday, and as I sit here drinking my 3rd espresso, I would like to review yesterdays events.  YAH COFFEE!!!! but more about that later.

I remember being woken up at 5 am to take Einstein to work.  I know that I walked on the treadmill at some point.  I remember thinking no workout today because my arms and abs still hurt from the abuse I had given them the day before.  (I think I only ‘remember’ that because they still hurt today….doh!)  I also know that I was on wordpress and facebook a bit, because the notifications and time stamps tell me that I was.  (I honestly don’t remember though)  Did I mention I wasn’t drinking?!?!?
I went to Aldi’s yesterday to buy eggs.  Only eggs.  This I do remember because I had a long discussion with myself that I didn’t need to use a cart for balance, I was only getting one thing and I COULD do this!… I make it to the back of the store, grabbed two dozen eggs, cradled them in my arm like a baby, and made my way to the checkout where I just stood.  I never put the eggs on the belt.  I stood there having the meaningless conversation with the cashier, “Hi, how are you?” etc.  The problem is I stood there for 5 mins, just holding the eggs.  “Oh Shit, I should probably give these to you huh?” I asked.  He smiled and said, “Nope I got you, $2.12.”  I remember that too.  I remember the price of the eggs, but I don’t remember driving home, putting them away etc.

At One O’clock this heavy cloud/weight settled on me.  I felt like I was going to pass out.  Not because I couldn’t breathe panic attack style.  I just couldn’t….. anything.  Well that sucks… I needed to pick Einstein up from work in a couple hours.  MORE COFFEE!!!! Fold the laundry? Somehow you must stay vertical!!!!  Yeah that didn’t happen.  I passed out, sitting up folding laundry.  I woke up 2 hours later to the sound of the 4th call from Einstein….”Did you forget me?!?!?”

OMG!!!!  YES I did!, I mean NO!…oh shit…. Sorry, I fell asleep…… I’m coming!!! I went to the bathroom, tripped over the coffee table, put my shoes on and ran out the door.  ARGH… I don’t take naps, I am NEVER late, in fact, if I am not 15 minutes early people begin to worry……smh

While I didn’t HURT myself or anyone else yesterday, I wasn’t there.  (Although, I did almost hit Einstein with my car for the 3rd time in his life.)  Yes I did just say that I hit him with my car 2 times, once WAS intentional the other I claim is his fault.  ( If you remind me, I will tell you about it in a couple weeks, it’s not a horror story, and it’s something we all laugh about, NOW)

So TODAY, I am prepared for the worst.  Einstein took my car to work, so I don’t have to leave the house until visitation tonight.  My only plan is enjoy my new coffee maker, and just be.  I am giving myself the gift of no expectations until this evening.  When all I have to do is show up.  My girls are going to the funeral home with me.  My parents are meeting us for dinner afterwards, and then I am coming home.  No lists today!

Tomorrow, or next week, or even a week after that ( Yah Tysabri on the First) I will make another to do list, but for now, for today…. I will just be…..

While I am here though, I want to thank everyone for letting me share my pain and memory with you the other day.  Thank you for your presence, support, and kind words!!!!




Trying to find “Joy” (inside joke)

We have a 10 year plus old whirlpool tub that has a “hand held jet” to help you reach the spots you can’t position yourself in front of to feel the pulse.  Anyway the massaging part popped off, and Einstein won’t let me glue it back on, BUT he said I could buy a replacement for his tub,….. if I could find one.

That was my agenda for the day.  (Oh and a test video chat with zoom today at 12:30 p.m.) Thankfully, I had the company of an awesome friend to accompany me along on my errands.  To keep her identity personal we will call her “Joy” for the time being. So my friend “Joy” showed up (a little late as usual), but that’s ok, because I already new it was going to be a multi store experience and company was good…. NOTHING IS EVER SIMPLE!!!

We left for the mall a little before 9.  Who knew they didn’t open until 10?  😦  That’s ok, we could walk the mall to fit in my mile walk today.  We did!… It was actually kind of relaxing until a 90 year old man flew by us without so much as a hair out of place.  Yes I instantly felt 100 years old.  Can you be going through menopause at 44?... I just snarled at him (under my breath) and kept plugging and sweating along.

Finally 10 o’clock rolled around, and Sears opened.  I’m thinking Sears has everything, they will be able to help (when I was a kid, you always called Sears).  We had to walk through the entire store before we were finally directed to the “expert”. ( Over 13 hills, through mountains and a river even)  But the “expert” was no expert.  I will share his name though.  It is Don.  Don the NON expert.  But that’s okay….. Don had an expert to send us to.  ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN ( you know the part that you never go into after dark, let alone daylight?  YEP THAT PART OF TOWN)

“Joy” decided that she was up for the adventure so we headed out to find the new god of hand held spa jets.….Let me just say…it was a complete and utter DEAD END.  They didn’t carry parts for “bathtub type whirlpools”  at least I think that’s what they said.  Either way no help and no redirection…. Oh well tomorrow’s a new day and I still have to stock up at Sam’s club before my membership expires next month.  (honestly I had to pee and didn’t feel comfortable dropping my pants there)

“Joy” and I quickly (but of course safely, following all appropriate speed limit laws, etc) headed out the door and back to the first side of town.  YAH!…Sam’s club was simple.  Einstein had given me his credit card to pick up $200.00 in alcohol (for the imaginary new year’s party that we are FINALLY going to have).  I ran into some dear friends that I went to high school with, did the FAST “tell me all about your life in under 15 minutes”, add me on Facebook ( oh shit I have a new one), and let’s get together after the holidays thing.  FTR I really hope this happens!!!  I spent $193.18 and even got some granola and bananas in the process.  YAH under budget!!!! AND most importantly I made it to the bathroom in time….BONUS YAH!!!

I had run out of coffee at this point so I offered to buy “Joy” lunch for letting me DRAG her along.  She “milked” my guilt, and said that she wanted to go to a very expensive hibachi grill in the area, I thought about it for about 1/2 a second ( I did have Einstein’s credit card), and then took her to McDonald’s.  On the way back to my house, I did pull in the parking lot of the famous hibachi grill so she could eat her lunch there.  So I did try….

Clock check…. holy shit it’s 12:00, MAYBE we could pop in Great Escape very quickly to see if they could help us.  (It takes me 4 hours to walk a mile though remember?), but we could try…. besides I had to pee AGAIN, so off we went.  As I did the “I HAVE TO FRICKING PEE NOW” potty dance I tossed the bag to the guys behind the counter… (Maybe I even threw it?)…no no I’m sure I tossed it gently as I nearly screamed, “I have to pee, can you look at that, and where’s the BATHROOM?!?!?!?”

I won’t bore you with those details, but yah mission accomplished….( well the making it to the bathroom part.)  When we went back to the counter 4 guys were standing there just kind of staring at us.  ( probably still in shock at my entrance), but they hadn’t even looked in the bag.  When I asked if they could help us, they said, “Well what is it?”  OMG are you fricking kidding me?!?!?  Seriously hasn’t anyone seen a handheld whirlpool tub jet?!?!? (I posted the picture above if you haven’t)  Feeling my frustration, my friend “Joy” blurted out, “IT’S A VIBRATOR”.  Well THAT got their attention.  No help from them, but definitely their attention….and then we were out of time.

I raced ( again very safely, following all posted speed limits) home with 5 minutes to spare for my video call.  (Crap did I shower this morning?!?!?) No matter, it was happening anyway.

12:30pm.  ZOOM is awesome!  Similar to skype but I think more advanced.  My call was with a fellow blogger offering advice on setting up your blog for monetizing and increasing traffic to your site. (I’m not ready for that at this point, but maybe sometime in the future)  Either way she was very helpful and knowledge, and we had a great “chat”.  I’m waiting for her to let me know if I can use her link in my post, so I will add it tomorrow if she allows me too. (damn time difference and personal lives)  She is very helpful and has set up a fb group on blogging too.  UPDATE… I talked to her, and she said “cool”  so here is her link, if you want to join the group or connect.  Sophie is awesome!   Bloggers going pro facebook group .

As for my hand held whirlpool tub jet, I am at a dead end for the night.  I have no model or serial number, just a broken jet.  BUT, I had a fantastic, and somewhat productive day!! “Joy” listened to me whine about my empty nest syndrome, and every other adhd topic that came to mind….maybe I do owe her a REAL “very expensive hibachi grill in the area” for lunch after all ?!?!  Maybe a dinner too?

If I didn’t bore you, or put you to sleep and you are still reading….THANK YOU!!!  I needed this kind of day with this kind of friend ( the one who you aren’t sure who is the bad influence) to remind me that I am more than a mother, more than ms, and it’s ok to have some down days.  (ty to those that commented on my post the other night)

Okay no cliche’s tonight.  Have a wonderful evening everyone! I hope I didn’t “overshare”.  ( I am working on a “disclaimer” for the website, but I don’t think “I have no filter” is enough)  In fact, since the 4th person has recommended that I made a video or video blog, I am thinking of giving that a try in the upcoming weeks… so much to learn…..