Teaching my phone to swear

Those of you that have ever talked to me on the phone, in person, gotten a text message from me etc, know that I have a “potty mouth”..  Not only do I frequently talk about “potty” and my bag of pee, but I just can’t seem to utter more than a few sentences without a cuss word or two popping out.  Popping, not pooping, although I do talk about pooping or not being able to alot also.

Last month, or the month before, I had to do a warranty trade on my smartphone, which in my opinion is Not very smart, although some would claim operator error. 😦

I have always struggled with the talk and type technology, because I speak quickly and do not enunciate.  This was proven when I asked my kids to “fix the damn phone” and they politely explained that I don’t enunciate when I speak.  To prove them wrong, I turned on the talk and type and said “ENUNCIATE”, the phone responded by typing E9C8!


So now I have this ‘New’ smartphone AND I am cutting down on the number of cigarettes I smoke each day, in effort to quit on August 15, 2018, so needless to say I have been swearing a bit more lately.

After talking out a message that contained some “cuss words”, I forgot to turn off the talk and type feature on my phone before I said,

“It’s not duck, the word is fuck.  I really don’t understand your objection to ass, and on that note what the hell is wrong with shit or even hell?  It’s not like I used all the words in one sentence”

My phone typed….

” It’s not duck, the word is duck.  I really don’t understand your objection to ASK, and on that note what the he’ll is wrong with fit or even ****?

Immediately after reading that I said, “Bastard”, which for the record translated into “Last Turd”.

So I have decided to teach my phone to swear.  I have been correcting THEN saving each of the words that it misspells or ***** out.  So far I have added

piece of shit





I cant say the C word, but it would probably come out as CANT anyway.

This morning I said, “I am coffeeing” which I know is technically not a word (its a way of life).  The phone typed doddering…which I left because I probably was.

Can you think of anything that I am missing?  When the day comes that I am finally ready to tell that ONE person that got on my last nerve off, I want to be prepared.


25 thoughts on “Teaching my phone to swear

  1. Why am I not at all surprised you are teaching you phone how to cuss? I think that is fantastic and the damn phone needs to listen to whatever the hell you say:)!! I swear I could be having the worst day and feeling like shit, but your posts always make me smile! Good luck with the phone learning the cuss like you!!

    Liked by 5 people

  2. In studies people who are allowed to swear are better able to endure pain so the power of swearing should be respected.
    What I really want though is for our phone assistants—I have an iPhone so it’s Siri—to swear so we can have exchanges like this:
    Me: What’s the temperature?
    Siri: Holy shit, it’s cold as a witch’s tit in a brass brassiere out there!
    Me: What’s the traffic like?
    Siri: A total clusterfuck. You should have left an hour ago, dickweed.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Can I write code? Are you kidding? I can write a letter, write on, write off, write a wrong, do the write thing, turn write, and write my name in the snow. I’m an English major. Of course I CAN’T write code.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. So, wait a minute, you can use the seven deadly words in your blog, and even allude to cant, but my comments still have to await moderation? Maybe Tom itself is a four-letter word. 😏


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