“I’m not ready to lose you!”

It seems like this entire year I have been really struggling with death or maybe fear of death? I’m not really sure. The strange thing is I’m not talking about my death. I’m actually not even a little afraid of that. (This is not to say I’m not afraid of pain, because I am) I’m just not worried about dying. So what is this obsession I am having?!?!!?!?

Earlier this month I wrote about parenting my parents. In the last few months, I’ve taken over medical power of attorney’s for them both. We are in the process of doing financial poa’s as well. I’m sure that is part of it. Yesterday, I was at my parents helping my dad move these incredibly heavy logs onto his wood- splitter. Out of nowhere I yell, “I’m not ready to lose you!!!!”, and began bawling!!!!!! (I’m surprised my outburst didn’t cause him to have a heart attack.)

He stopped working and immediately put his arms around me. I don’t even know how long we stood there while I just cried. Eventually, I wiped the frozen snot and tears off my face and said, “Ok I’m ready to get back to work.” and we did.

14 thoughts on ““I’m not ready to lose you!”

  1. I think the circumstances of the year with the pandemic and all that death from it has put us all on edge emotionally. I feel it. Plus it makes us confront our mortality and of those we love. So don’t be so hard on yourself

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh lovely, I don’t know what to say. I’m very close to my parents, who’re now in their 70s. For me, losing them is something I can’t bring myself to think about. Just the split second thought of it is too painful. I can’t. I won’t.
    I think more open conversations with those we’re afraid of losing are probably a good thing, to let each other know how we’re feeling.

    There’s nothing I can say to make the worry and the fear any less, but I just wanted to let you know I hear you, I feel that same fear of loss and concern for my parents.

    Caz xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have the same worry about mine. A few years ago, my dad had cancer and he himself was sure it might be the end. There was a lot of hugging and crying, especially after the treatments were over and he went into remission:-)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Grace, it’s so good to read your words. But I am sorry you are going through what you are, it’s not easy. Life is like the upside down right now, so take some deep breaths and say fuck a lot, that’s what I do!! Take care of yourself and I will see you around. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. SO GLAD to read YOUR words!!!!!! Seeing your post on Facebook, got me so excited!! I immediately went to wp to make sure you hadn’t changed your mind!!!!! Cancer is a BITCH! I’m sorry to read about what your family is dealing with. FUCK FUCK FUCK

      Liked by 1 person

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